through the eyes of a child...

this afternoon the sun decided to show it's face for a little while.

so i decided to get out of the house and go for a walk. but i wanted company. so my gorgeous little niece came with. she's 3. she's absolutely adorable.

we were gone for such a long time, because Noelle wanted to just keep on walking. the delight that she got from even just the little things that we found along the way was refreshing.

a praying mantis.

builders building a house

hearing a bird singing (which she mimicked in a sing-song voice "Good morning! How are you today? I'm fine, thank you. And you?)

watching the clouds in the sky (one of which she was sure was following her - "Maybe it wants to be my friend")

we went to the park. standard kid stuff. swing. see-saw. 

then the lake. to find the ducks (but there weren't any. Noelle's response? "oh well, maybe we come back tomorrow with some bread and they'll be there")

as we were walking we saw a HUGE flight of steps going up to the top of the hill. After we had already had a conversation about clouds, Noelle decided that she needed to be taller so she could touch the clouds. She decided that walking up the steps was how she would reach them.

"please, Rachel, we walk up the steps now?" are you sure? i asked, not actually very keen on walking all the way up and then having to come all the way down again. "Yes, sure!" she said excitedly.

so off we went. counting the steps as we went. we got half way. 

me: are you tired yet? do you want to go back down?

Noelle: no! we not at the top yet! we got to go up there to touch the clouds

we did make it in the end. all the way to the top. and what a view! we could see all the places we had just walked to, and the colours were beautiful. we couldn't quite touch the clouds, but noelle didn't seem to mind. she was happy that she was closer to them than before. and she enjoyed the view too. we talked about clouds for ages, and everything else we could see. we talked about how clouds can sometimes look like different things, and have different colours in them, like when the sun is setting. Noelle saw one that she was adamant looked like a caterpillar. i couldn't quite see it, but maybe i wasn't looking hard enough :)

walking with noelle today was lovely. not only to get out and get some fresh air and clear my head, but just watching the joy she found in the smallest things. it reminded me of me when i was little. every discovery was a major deal. every little outing was fun. every experience was a time to learn more and delight in.

what's happened? why do i not see life like that anymore? why is it that i forget that the little things i do everyday are important. the little short visits i have with people are valuable. the sights around me are beautiful. why have i let myself get so busy, and so caught up in what i think i should doing, or what people want me to do, that i have forgotten to just live life and enjoy it. 

i want to have the heart of a child again. i want to have the fresh view of the world - like every day i will discover something new, and everything is exciting. 

i had a bit of fun and googled 'clouds that look like things'....some funny results.

i'll share a few of my faves with you

i will remember to look up, and see the interesting shapes i can see in the clouds...and i will remember to take delight in the little things i do, and the beautiful things around me.

thanks Noelle. it seems i am getting a lot of insight into how to live life from people much younger than me lately. i'm not too proud to say it. i'm not too proud to learn life lessons from my 3 year old niece. or my friend's 19 year old sister.

you live and learn, everyday

30 things to do.....revisited

so, i can't sleep, and i just remembered that ages ago i wrote a blog about the things i want to do before i turn 30. i thought it would be fun to revisit that list and see how many (if any) things i could tick off the list.


hmmm...i might have a lot of work ahead of me.


#1 - perform in a stage musical - haven't even thought about this one yet
#2 - do a photography course - am looking at options now :)
#3 - go sky-diving
#4 - start business with Kylie
#5 - go to New York
#6 - do a make-up course - again - looking at options now! excited :)
#7 - go to the Melbourne Races - tickets are BOOKED! wooooooooo!
#8 - sell my first photograph - to someone i don't know :) - DONE! this was done ages ago....pretty exciting moment :)
#9 - sit my Grade 8 piano exam - i actually haven't even played since last year :(
#10 - be off my meds completely - nope. just got them upped. eeek.
#11 - help build a home for Habitat for Humanity
#12 - have been to 30 concerts in my life (so far i've been to 6, sad huh?) - getting better. i think it's more like 15 or something.
#13 - go skinny dipping
#14 - swim with sharks (well, at least cage diving anyway)
#15 - go scuba diving again (i haven't been for 6 years!)
#16 - learn french, enough to hold a decent conversation - am starting french classes next wednesday!
#17 - compete in and finish a half marathon - pfffft. whatever :)
#18 - write a letter to all the people in my life that i am close to, telling them what i appreciate about each of them - seems more important now than ever before. i WILL do this during my 2 weeks off.
#19 - learn a new sport
#20 - learn to surf (and NOT be scared of the sharks)
#21 - get back into dancing.  i will find a class and attend it - regularly.
#22 - lose 10kgs
#23 - have an overseas holiday with my 2 sisters
#24 - treat my bestie to something amazing (that she really needs)
#25 - set up an album where i take and print one picture every day - showing a highlight from that day
#26 - start writing a book
#27 - go on a Volunteer holiday with the hubby
#28 - be able to bait my own hook (this is one for the hubby, he'll be so please, haha) - this one i can actually do now! YES!
#29 - donate $500 to a local charity
#30 - have a baby (or at least get pregnant by the time i'm 30)





ah, see. still plenty of things to do before i'm 30. 
just as well. otherwise life would be pretty boring between now and january 2013!




also. i'm very excited that it's now autumn. i'm looking forward to getting the cameras out and having fun with the colours.

fear of failing & lessons from a 19 year old

wow. what a roller-coaster journey life has been recently.
one day, everything's perfect. life is good and you are truly happy.
the next, everything's different.

i don't know what it is (well, actually I do - it's a nasty thing called Depression) but i have this intense fear of failing. the last thing i want to do is let anybody down, no matter what the cost.
usually, the cost is my own health and sense of well-being.

this is the hardest thing for me. learning to be selfish. saying no to people when i can't do things.
the real me is a people pleaser. and i don't want to change that. because seeing others happy does make me happy. it's just temporary until i end up burnt out.
the real me is someone who is there for her friends and family when they really need her. and i don't want to change that either.

i think what i need to learn to do is find a good balance - time for me, and time for others.
i also need to be aware of how much of others' problems that i take onboard. because i do. if i'm involved in someone else's problems - it's never easy to walk away from it. i continue to dwell on the issue even when i'm not around them. i really take the full weight of the problem on my shoulders.
maybe that's why my back and neck are so munted. (wow. a little joke. ha)

i've been ordered by the doc to have at least 2 weeks off work. hmmmm.
as much as i know that he is probably right and i need some time for me, i can't help but feel that not being at work is meaning that i'm letting my boss down, the other teachers and the children down too. i know that may is a busy month for us with a few teachers away.... this doesn't help me feel less of a failure. it makes me feel completely useless.
but i know that if i don't do as i'm told, i'll end up even more useless later on - and the children deserve me at my best. i don't want to give them anything less than 100%

depression is such a difficult thing - because i KNOW there are people going through seriously difficult situations right now, who have a reason to be struggling with life. then there's me. i don't have any reason to be the way i am. no reason for crumpling into a crying mess at the drop of a hat. i have a lot to be thankful for, and i know that. it's just telling the depression that.

anyway. i also wanted to write about some things i have learned over the last week. things that my friend's 19 year old sister has taught me.
1) LIVE YOUR LIFE EVERYDAY
not everyone actually lives their life to the full, everyday. she did. i should.
2) FORGIVE EASILY
people are going to hurt you throughout your life. people hurt her. she forgave them.
holding a grudge and resenting others only really makes you bitter and unhappy.
people are truly only human. none of us are perfect - we all make mistakes.
3) LAUGH OFTEN
life is too short to be taken so seriously. laughter is the best medicine, and it's amazing how good you feel after a good, genuine chuckle.
4) LOVE MUCH
AJ loved all people. no judgement. accepting all differences. this is not easy to do.
nobody is less than anyone else, and therefore everyone deserves to be treated equally. with respect. with love. with compassion. and with acceptance. this is something i am going to try and do better at.

it is amazing how much she packed into her short 19 years. and it is humbling how much she had to share with and teach others. a truly inspiring young woman. thank you, AJ, for what you taught me. your smile, joy and love will be forever missed.

heavy heart

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart. And try to love the questions themselves . . ." – Rainer Maria Rilke




‎"Those who wish to sing always find a song." – Swedish Proverb




"Let us cry. Let us be. Let us open up our hearts without fear of anything." – Rise Against




‎"I want you to be everything that's you, deep at the center of your being." – Confuscious




"Happiness resides not in possessions and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul." – Democritus




‎"It is never too late to be what you might have been." – George Eliot




‎"Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?" – Lucy Maud Montgomery




"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." – E.E. Cummings




"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clear view again." – Alex Tan








This week has been a difficult one. My friend's little sister, who i wrote about in a previous blog, passed away in the early hours of Tuesday morning. Questions arise "why her?"
she was so young - only 19
and so full of joy and love....
reading her facebook wall, it is clear to see that to know her was to love her completely. she just radiated love. 
yet, i can't imagine the loss and pain her family are feeling. i can't even imagine losing a sister, a daughter. 


death can come so sudden. and life is so short and fragile. it really reminds me, again, to be grateful for the things i do have. grateful for my amazing family, my beautiful friends, my health.


it also reminds me, again, that at the end of the day - success isn't about what you have. it's about how much love you've generated. she was definitely a love generator - she loved many, and was loved in return by many. to me, that is the sign of a successful life. everyone she knew was impacted by her in some way. she lived her life to the full. she loved her life and all who shared it with her. 




again, i say, live each day to the fullest. be grateful for what you have. cherish those who are dear to your heart. don't put off til tomorrow things that should be done or said today. celebrate beauty. love LOTS! laugh often. enjoy each moment.






in death, as in life, she was an inspiration. never losing faith. never losing love.


rest in peace, little one. you were, and will always be, loved and cherished by all who knew you. you will not be forgotten. 
xxx

road to nowhere?

after yesterday's blog being so positive...i have to admit, today is completely different.

i'm feeling very lonely today. very alone. 

i know i'm on a journey, one that may take a while...

but sometimes i wonder just where this road is taking me?

it feels like i'm on a road to nowhere....sometimes.

like i take one step forward, then 2 gigantic steps backwards.

(photo taken at Pineda de Mar in Spain)

one day, hopefully, i will reach the end of the road...or at least start out on a new, better journey.

thought provoking week

hello all.
sorry i haven't written (again) for such a long time. there's been a lot going on lately. one of my best friend's  little sister is in a critical condition in hospital at the mo, and it really gets you thinking about life and what's important.

isn't it dumb, though, that it takes something serious like this to make you appreciate the good things you have? your health, for one.

too often these days we get too busy with life, that we forget about the people in it who really mean everything to us - the people who make life worthwhile.
my new challenge for myself is to take more time out of being busy and making more time for my friends and family.

i think i already do kind of okay....but i know i can do so much better.

so the week hasn't ended on such a good note...hopefully things will improve for my friend's sister....everyone is thinking and praying for her.

however, there have been some fun times lately....mostly with my photography....another wedding and another baby bump shoot.....lots of fun!

wedding in new plymouth:

baby bump shots:

a big huge thank you to all the people who have trusted me to capture these special moments in their lives. i have a few more booked in, which is exciting and completely humbling......i really enjoy catching these moments - as all of these moments together, with the special people in our lives, are truly what life is all about.

these 2 sets of photos also show completely my life slogan "no regrets. just love"
the stories behind the photos are amazing too - and that's why i love being a part of it. for me, i prefer these more personal jobs...because i know where the people have been and i will know them in the future too....i don't just walk in and out of their lives.

there have been times when i have been close to chucking in the photog role. there are MANY times where i feel inadequate and completely out of my depth. there are times where i wonder why i should expect people to put such important events in my hands to photograph. i know everyone starts somewhere, but do i do a good enough job?

after the week that's passed, i have decided that i shouldn't be so down on myself. Ultimately, i take photos because i love doing it. and because i love capturing the special moments for the people who are special in my life. I don't know if photography will ever truly be a career for me - in the sense that total strangers hire me to snap away during their weddings or to capture the innocent and beautiful faces of their children... but if there are people in my life who like my work and want me to photograph their moments, then i will happily do so. it is actually an honour.

my message for everyone today is to stop and think about how you see yourself and your life. are you feeling down? can you not see any positive things at the moment? remember to appreciate even the little things that you have. all the little things eventually add up to a heck of a lot. and also remember, the little things that you have may be the things that others are desperately wishing for. be grateful and content with your hand in life. if you're not, then make the changes you need to be happy. take every opportunity to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you. take every opportunity to live your life to the fullest.


love easily. anger slowly. accept differences. celebrate beauty.

no regrets. just love.