So....
many, many posts ago, in what seems now like an alternate universe, I wrote a list of 30 things to do before I turned 30
I failed, so absolutely miserably, that I've decided to scrap that list and write a new one
I don't want to focus on what should've happened in the last 30 years, but didn't.
I don't want to focus on what didn't happen in the last 30 years that should've.
this list will be different.
It can't possibly be titled '30 things to do before I'm 30'
I'm 30 tomorrow.
So this time, it's 30 things that I'm going to do now that I'm (nearly) 30
Kind of like a challenge to myself to make the next chapter of my life the best ever
A list of things to remind myself how I want to live my life
A list of ways I can make the lives of others around me better too
1) I am going to be more thankful. Every day
2) I am going to leave each person I come into contact with better than when I found them....even if just by a smile or a small compliment
3) i will forgive others more
4) i will be more passionate about everything I do
5) I will pay attention and enjoy my life as it happens
6) I will grow stronger everyday
7) I will have more confidence
8) I will speak louder, especially if speaking up for something I believe in
9) I will start conversations with random people (e.g. At airports)
10) I will live with less expectations - I will just let it be
11) I will learn to say 'no' more. But at the same time, I will learn to say 'yes' more too
12) I will empower myself to change what I can, and let go of the rest
13) I WILL declutter and keep my environment tidy
14) I will focus on the positives more, including mine
15) I will accept invitations to go out more with friends
16) I will love myself more!
17) I will pay attention to how I talk to myself....no more put-downs, no more self-sabotage
18) I will drink more water
19) I will take more photos {is that possible, you say?}
20) I will make sure people know that I am happy to see them
21) im going to spend less on things, and spend more on experiences/people
22) I will travel to new places and meet new people
23) I will learn a new language {looks like Mandarin Chinese is up there on the list}
24) Im going to write more handwritten letters
25) I'm going to do more random acts of kindness
26) I'm going to stop taking things so personally
27) I'm going to take more time to observe my surroundings. Take just one more look. For just one more second.
28) I'm going to stop basing my worth on other peoples actions
29) I'm going to give more to others - time, money, whatever
30) I will love others more, even those who hurt me or disappoint me. We're all human. We all make mistakes. And we all need love.
Wow, that was actually quite hard.
Not long to go. The clock is counting down the hours.
Soon I will enter into what is going to be {I'm claiming it!!!!!!!} the best decade of my life!
I'm super excited.
I'm going to live my life. Each and every day.
I'm going to make a difference in other peoples lives, somehow.
This is it.
no regrets. just love
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
Truth: Part 2
I have been awake most of the night after my blog post yesterday.
Thinking about why I was so scared of him.
So scared of wanting to make him happy, not upset him, not disagree with him.
Then I remembered that one night.
The night I think my fear all stemmed from.
It was a night during a time when he was actually home.
I had decided to go out for a girls night...nothing major. He'd gone out with the boys the weekend before, so I thought it would be okay.
It was still relatively early (about midnight) and the girls wanted to stay out, but I decided I was ready to go home. I called him and asked him if he'd mind picking me up (we lived about 15 mins from 'town' at this stage)
he said no. get a cab.
So I got a cab.
The minute I arrived home, I could sense his anger. I could almost smell it.
He started yelling.
Calling me all sorts of horrible names.
Saying all sorts of horrible things.
How dare I call him to ask for a ride?!?!
How dare I go out for a girls night and leave him at home?!?!
And what had I truly been up to that night? Who had I really been with?!?
The accusations were flying.
The angry words were flying.
Next, the telephone went flying.
He had thrown our home phone across the room, trying to hit me with it.
He had missed, and the phone smashed against the dresser.
He demanded I slept in the spare room that night
The next day, somehow, he managed to convince me it was all my fault. That I was to blame. That I was in the wrong.
And I believed him.
I guess that was when I started thinking about everything I said or did...and whether or not it was going to make him angry again. 'Walking on eggshells' as they call it...
It was from that moment on, I started living in fear.
This wasn't the last night of this kind...but it's the first one I can remember.
Thinking about why I was so scared of him.
So scared of wanting to make him happy, not upset him, not disagree with him.
Then I remembered that one night.
The night I think my fear all stemmed from.
It was a night during a time when he was actually home.
I had decided to go out for a girls night...nothing major. He'd gone out with the boys the weekend before, so I thought it would be okay.
It was still relatively early (about midnight) and the girls wanted to stay out, but I decided I was ready to go home. I called him and asked him if he'd mind picking me up (we lived about 15 mins from 'town' at this stage)
he said no. get a cab.
So I got a cab.
The minute I arrived home, I could sense his anger. I could almost smell it.
He started yelling.
Calling me all sorts of horrible names.
Saying all sorts of horrible things.
How dare I call him to ask for a ride?!?!
How dare I go out for a girls night and leave him at home?!?!
And what had I truly been up to that night? Who had I really been with?!?
The accusations were flying.
The angry words were flying.
Next, the telephone went flying.
He had thrown our home phone across the room, trying to hit me with it.
He had missed, and the phone smashed against the dresser.
He demanded I slept in the spare room that night
The next day, somehow, he managed to convince me it was all my fault. That I was to blame. That I was in the wrong.
And I believed him.
I guess that was when I started thinking about everything I said or did...and whether or not it was going to make him angry again. 'Walking on eggshells' as they call it...
It was from that moment on, I started living in fear.
This wasn't the last night of this kind...but it's the first one I can remember.
My intention here is not to 'bad-mouth' my ex, defame him or say that everything that was wrong with our marriage was his fault.I feel compelled to share this story because if I can help just one person be freed from a relationship like this, then my journey has been worth it.
My advice to someone living in a relationship, like mine was, is this - GET OUT!
It is NOT healthy. It is NOT normal.
It is NOT love.
Love is patient
Love is kind
Love doesn't get easily or uncontrollably angry
Love doesn't throw household objects with the intention to hurt you
Love doesn't try and control you
Love doesn't live a life of double standards
I know its not easy.
My advice to someone living in a relationship, like mine was, is this - GET OUT!
It is NOT healthy. It is NOT normal.
It is NOT love.
Love is patient
Love is kind
Love doesn't get easily or uncontrollably angry
Love doesn't throw household objects with the intention to hurt you
Love doesn't try and control you
Love doesn't live a life of double standards
I know its not easy.
I know it may seem like you can't walk away...like your world won't exist without him in it...like you would be lost without him.
But are you actually YOU?
Is it actually YOUR world?
Are you truly happy?
You WILL be okay without him
You DO deserve someone who truly loves you - and truly understands the meaning of love
You will find someone who accepts you for YOU, and allows you to be the fullest, most truest form of yourself
You just have to believe it.
But are you actually YOU?
Is it actually YOUR world?
Are you truly happy?
You WILL be okay without him
You DO deserve someone who truly loves you - and truly understands the meaning of love
You will find someone who accepts you for YOU, and allows you to be the fullest, most truest form of yourself
You just have to believe it.
One day.
You will.
no regrets. just love
You will.
no regrets. just love
Truth
You know those moments where you have a sudden revelation?
An "a-ha" moment?
That moment when the lightbulb flicks on and something that you've really known all along is suddenly impossible to deny anymore?
I had one of those moments today.
A harsh reality, but an important one nonetheless.
It's something I've really known for a long time - but i had just never seen it so plainly before.
It was in black and white. Right in front of my face....
In a book I was reading for work.
The book was 'Time to Think', written by Nancy Kline.
Nothing really to do with my situation, really....which is why this jumped out and smacked me in the face so much
The book talks about creating a Thinking Environment and how your actions and abilities to listen to someone can actually improve their thinking skills.
One chapter talked about what to look out for - what NOT to do.
Then I saw it.
Co-dependent.
As in someone who is an addict - or in a relationship that feeds someone's addiction.
The excerpt I am going to write pretty much sums up my so-called marriage.
This isn't easy to admit.
"But co-dependants are everywhere, not just in the lives of active addicts.
You are co-dependent if:
- you feel that you are dying (literally) if the person is mad with you
- you feel joy only when the other person is happy and are sad the minute they feel sad
- you ask them what THEY think in order to know what YOU think
- you lie to keep them pleased
- you do not know you exist apart from them
- you exist in a pool of anxiety when you haven't heard from them
- you are most happy obeying, most uncomfortable thinking for yourself"
Wow.
I can honestly say that I answered yes to every single one of those points in relation to how I used to feel about my relationship with my ex.
I was scared of him
I was scared of upsetting him and making him mad
I was scared to tell him how I felt or what I wanted because it never really was important
I was scared of being on my own because I didn't know who I was anymore without him
Anyone who knew me before I got married will agree.....I slowly lost more and more of who I was the longer I was in that relationship
It was unhealthy.
It was destructive
It was slowly killing me
But I allowed it.
I enabled it
I didn't stand up to it or him
I was co-dependent.
There. I said it.
But now I am free.
And today, the revelation came to me.....stronger than it has ever before.
I am FREE!
free from that constant fear
Free from living my life with someone else's ideas, feelings, thoughts
Free from having one person have so much control over my life.
Words can not express how amazing that realisation is.
How truly deeply grateful I am.
I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am free to be ME
And I am never going to be a co-dependent
EVER AGAIN!
I guess I just made my new years resolution :)
no regrets. just love
An "a-ha" moment?
That moment when the lightbulb flicks on and something that you've really known all along is suddenly impossible to deny anymore?
I had one of those moments today.
A harsh reality, but an important one nonetheless.
It's something I've really known for a long time - but i had just never seen it so plainly before.
It was in black and white. Right in front of my face....
In a book I was reading for work.
The book was 'Time to Think', written by Nancy Kline.
Nothing really to do with my situation, really....which is why this jumped out and smacked me in the face so much
The book talks about creating a Thinking Environment and how your actions and abilities to listen to someone can actually improve their thinking skills.
One chapter talked about what to look out for - what NOT to do.
Then I saw it.
Co-dependent.
As in someone who is an addict - or in a relationship that feeds someone's addiction.
The excerpt I am going to write pretty much sums up my so-called marriage.
This isn't easy to admit.
"But co-dependants are everywhere, not just in the lives of active addicts.
You are co-dependent if:
- you feel that you are dying (literally) if the person is mad with you
- you feel joy only when the other person is happy and are sad the minute they feel sad
- you ask them what THEY think in order to know what YOU think
- you lie to keep them pleased
- you do not know you exist apart from them
- you exist in a pool of anxiety when you haven't heard from them
- you are most happy obeying, most uncomfortable thinking for yourself"
Wow.
I can honestly say that I answered yes to every single one of those points in relation to how I used to feel about my relationship with my ex.
I was scared of him
I was scared of upsetting him and making him mad
I was scared to tell him how I felt or what I wanted because it never really was important
I was scared of being on my own because I didn't know who I was anymore without him
Anyone who knew me before I got married will agree.....I slowly lost more and more of who I was the longer I was in that relationship
It was unhealthy.
It was destructive
It was slowly killing me
But I allowed it.
I enabled it
I didn't stand up to it or him
I was co-dependent.
There. I said it.
But now I am free.
And today, the revelation came to me.....stronger than it has ever before.
I am FREE!
free from that constant fear
Free from living my life with someone else's ideas, feelings, thoughts
Free from having one person have so much control over my life.
Words can not express how amazing that realisation is.
How truly deeply grateful I am.
I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am free to be ME
And I am never going to be a co-dependent
EVER AGAIN!
I guess I just made my new years resolution :)
no regrets. just love
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