Truth: Part 2

I have been awake most of the night after my blog post yesterday. 
Thinking about why I was so scared of him.
So scared of wanting to make him happy, not upset him, not disagree with him.

Then I remembered that one night.
The night I think my fear all stemmed from.

It was a night during a time when he was actually home. 
I had decided to go out for a girls night...nothing major. He'd gone out with the boys the weekend before, so I thought it would be okay.
It was still relatively early (about midnight) and the girls wanted to stay out, but I decided I was ready to go home. I called him and asked him if he'd mind picking me up (we lived about 15 mins from 'town' at this stage)

he said no. get a cab.

So I got a cab.
The minute I arrived home, I could sense his anger. I could almost smell it.
He started yelling.
Calling me all sorts of horrible names.
Saying all sorts of horrible things.
How dare I call him to ask for a ride?!?!
How dare I go out for a girls night and leave him at home?!?!
And what had I truly been up to that night? Who had I really been with?!?

The accusations were flying.
The angry words were flying.
Next, the telephone went flying.
He had thrown our home phone across the room, trying to hit me with it.
He had missed, and the phone smashed against the dresser.

He demanded I slept in the spare room that night

The next day, somehow, he managed to convince me it was all my fault. That I was to blame. That I was in the wrong.
And I believed him.

I guess that was when I started thinking about everything I said or did...and whether or not it was going to make him angry again. 'Walking on eggshells' as they call it...

It was from that moment on, I started living in fear.

This wasn't the last night of this kind...but it's the first one I can remember.

My intention here is not to 'bad-mouth' my ex, defame him or say that everything that was wrong with our marriage was his fault.I feel compelled to share this story because if I can help just one person be freed from a relationship like this, then my journey has been worth it.

My advice to someone living in a relationship, like mine was, is this - GET OUT! 
It is NOT healthy. It is NOT normal.
It is NOT love.

Love is patient
Love is kind

Love doesn't get easily or uncontrollably angry
Love doesn't throw household objects with the intention to hurt you
Love doesn't try and control you
Love doesn't live a life of double standards 

I know its not easy.

I know it may seem like you can't walk away...like your world won't exist without him in it...like you would be lost without him.

But are you actually YOU?
Is it actually YOUR world?

Are you truly happy?


You WILL be okay without him
You DO deserve someone who truly loves you - and truly understands the meaning of love
You will find someone who accepts you for YOU, and allows you to be the fullest, most truest form of yourself

You just have to believe it.

One day.
You will.


no regrets. just love