so. we all know that we can't change the past.
we have to just do the best we can to deal with it, and leave it behind.
sometimes, though, no matter how well you think you've dealt with something - there it is again *BAM* and it's smacked you on the side of the head again.
it's not so much the past that gives you a whack. but the stab you feel when you realize that, just maybe, you haven't dealt with it completely. that whack causes cracks…then you start to doubt that you've actually really left it in the past.
this was me, yesterday. just one word is all it took. *BAM* there i was - practically K.O'd by it. shook me for a minute. then i snapped out of it. it wasn't until later, when i was lying awake in bed, that i reevaluated the knock. what is wrong with me?!?!?!? deal with it, rachel, and let it go!
i don't know if it's my lack of self-esteem at the moment that causes me to feel this way. or maybe it's the depression that makes my mind keep on revisiting the hurt. maybe i don't want to forget, so that it will never happen again.
all i know is, that this is one aspect that is top of my list of battles. i WILL deal with it. and i WILL leave it behind. i WILL be stronger because of it. and i WILL be better because of it, somehow. hard to believe at times, and hard to understand just how that is supposed to happen, when my mind is still clouded with lurking darkness. somewhere, in that darkness, there has to be some light. there has to be some of the me left who wouldn't even let this bother her. the me that wouldn't even flinch at the punch just thrown at her. the me that would've just got up and punched the past right back in the face.
i refuse to let the past dictate my future. i refuse to be limited to this feeling of weakness. i am better than that. now, i just have to believe it myself.
wow. that was some deep stuff. good to get it down though - stop it from swirling around in my head.
on a lighter note. i have rediscovered picnik - a website that i started using aaaages ago and never really got into. duh! what was wrong with me?! haha. it's awesome. i love the effects i can do with my pics. a lot of the time, these days, it's all in the editing that makes great photos. i personally love this pic. not to brag or anything.
anyway, off for some socializing. put on a happy face :)
Ah sorry I'm so late commenting on this. I'm catching up on your blog and had to say something. Um, I don't think it'll help but I wanted to say it anyway. I HATE that dealing with trauma/bad stuff is so ongoing. I HATE that I can't just say "Ok, now I've dealt with that and it's over", and never have to deal with it again. About a year ago I started having panic attacks - fortunately not that often - as more stuff from my past started surfacing. I'd never had a panic attack in my life. The only reason I can think of for why it's started happening now is that I'm healthier mentally than I've ever been, so I guess I'm strong enough to deal with more of the crap from my past. It sucks. But I guess it's good. Anyway, that bit where you said "just one word was all it took"? Ya, I know what you mean. For me it can be a certain tone of voice, and most recently, a smell.
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