what it means to me....

depression can mean different things to different people.

to me, depression is an evil. a killer.
it kills hope. love. beauty. laughter. joy. faith. and vision.
all things that are vital to a healthy and successful life.

depression kills your ability to trust.
in yourself. in others. in the world.

depression kills relationships.
even the ones you thought were the strongest.

depression kills humour.
things you once found hilarious don't seem so funny any more.

depression kills understanding.
it seems you become lost in translation. even with those you are closest to.

have you ever had a moment in time where you feel like you are screaming at the top of your lungs, in a crowded room, and no-one even stops to look up at you?
or a moment when you feel like you're buried alive, and you're banging on the coffin, but the people keep on shoveling the dirt on top of you?
or a moment when you are under water, scrambling for the sunlight at the surface, but an invisible force is holding your foot so you don't get anywhere?
or a moment, in a dream, where you are running away from a monster, but you are running on soft sand, against a strong wind so you can't run fast, and the monster is gaining on you?

to me, all of those moments are what having depression is like, for a major chunk of the time.
sometimes, the feelings just become so intense, you can't see an end to them. you can't find a solution. and sometimes, you can't even remember the reason for their existence.

all you know, in that moment, is that excruciatingly overwhelming sense of emotion - usually sadness or insecurity or doubt. there is nothing else. no voice of reason or truth or light.
just the voice of the killer, spreading its evil through your thoughts.

depression kills confidence.
to yourself, you are the least exciting person, with the least amount to offer.

depression kills control.
you no longer have control over your emotional reactions, and your interpretations become skewed.

there are times, in extreme cases, where depression kills life.
sometimes, the extremity of the emotions become too much.
sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is never reached.
for those people, i feel sadness.
it hurts me to think of the loneliness, emptiness, and hopelessness they must have felt during that dark moment when depression got the better of them.
that's why i find it so difficult when others talk about people who take their own lives as being 'selfish'.
i understand both sides of the argument, and agree, in part, with them both.
for the family and loved ones left behind, the hurt and pain of not knowing why, will never subside. the loss they feel, and possibly the guilt of not having known or being able to help, will live on with them.

having nearly been in a place of absolute darkness, i understand the desire to end the emotional overload. to end the feeling of failure. to end the feeling of sadness. to end the hurt and to quiet the evil voices in your head.
however, i'm not saying that i agree it is the right thing to do.

i am so thankful that i was pulled back from that place. i am so thankful that i am still here. even though, some days are hard and i wonder if it would've made that much of a difference to everyone else....
but i have hope again now. and i have joy.
yes, i still have sadness. and yes i still struggle with feelings of failure, inadequacy, and darkness.
but there is some light. and i intend to hold on to that light.

i know that there are people around me who would've missed me if i wasn't here. i know that, to them, i mean everything. and that makes the battle worth it.

i am thankful that i never completely lost the fight.
for me, from now on, depression is a LOSER.
you've already lost the battle, big D. I am still here. and i am still smiling.
i still see beauty in the world, and i still find joy.
what's even better, i am still learning so much about myself.
every day brings new enlightenment.
new enlightenment brings new empowerment.

one day, i am sure, i will be triumphant. i will be the WINNER.
i can't wait for that day.
i'm going to have the biggest, most funnest party ever!!!!

p.s. you're all invited :)