pressure to be....

lately i have been struggling with a 'pressure to be'.....

it's hard to make sense of it. but basically i have been feeling pressures from all places to be somewhere or something for someone else. i know that a lot of those times, i have been needed. other times, it's just me and my fear of letting someone else down. but right now, i am feeling exhausted. i feel like i have been everything to everyone else, and i have been neglecting ME.

one of my very wise friends said "how can you do something else for someone else when you're burnt out?"
i tried to take a day for me. and all i managed was a couple of hours. but at least that's a start.
writing here is also time for me. i haven't been on here for a while, and i think it's because i've been avoiding the words flying around in my head.

i have had to deal with a lot of unpleasant reality in the last couple of weeks. a death in the family. sudden and very sad circumstances. now, i have lost some of the beauty i had begun to build up in my world again.
now i am left with an overwhelming feeling that i will never get there. i will never have complete beauty and happiness again. i think it's sometimes possibly true because of the fact that anytime i am faced with true beauty or true happiness, usually seen in other people, i am unable to cope with it and i end up a crumpled crying mess.

i think i am feeling a lot of self-pity right now. i have lost all motivation to better my world. i feel that i have tried so hard and really believed that i was getting somewhere, only to have it fall down around me.
am i doing something wrong? am i still keeping up invisible walls without meaning to? am i just incapable of feeling true and deep happiness?
or am i just really really tired and will everything be better after the christmas holidays?

i do know that i miss my mister. a lot. and i just want our life to begin properly already. i am ready for the next stage. i am ready for a home to call our own. our own space - space where i can be creative and express my inner voice. space where i can be comfortable enough to truly be myself...in all my messiness :p
i am ready for and desperately needing consistency in my time with him. i just want to be with him. all the time. i want to wake up and know that he will be next to me. i get lonely waking up on my own too often.
i know that it is not advised when you have depression to really try and have a baby, but i honestly think that i am ready for that too. i am my happiest when i am around my niece and nephew - the joy they bring me is so indescribable, and i eagerly anticipate the love and joy that i know i will feel when i have my own cherubs.

i have also been battling with comments from others regarding depression. i remind myself not to get upset or angry at the person specifically, because i know that no-one can truly understand the grips of depression unless they have been there personally. but it gets frustrating when some people just refuse to even try and understand. it is more like an ignorance. an intolerance. and it frustrates me. if i could just 'snap out of it', i would. TRUST ME! this is not some fairground ride that i enjoy, and that i would wish to take again. if i had a choice, i would not choose depression. FOR ANYBODY.

this blog is now also a mission for me to continue to raise awareness of the illness....to help others who battle with depression to be heard - to express their experiences and feelings without fear of discrimination or judgement.

so. today's blog, my first in a long time, has been a heavy and emotion-filled one. i'm sorry for that. but i needed to clear my mind and get these oppressive thoughts down.
i am tired of being this 'version' of me. i don't like who i am right now. i am ready for the new and improved.


This. Is. Not. Who. I. Am.