am i being punished for something?
was i too happy before?
or was i too ungrateful for the blessings i had.
other times i remind myself that it is often the most amazing minds and the most gentlest spirits who are affected by depression. i read somewhere once (sorry i can't give credit where it's due) that depression usually hits the least deserving people - that it's usually the most amazing people who are 'cursed' with this monster.
but most of the time i am somewhere in between. i think life is harder these days. it's not just because i've grown up and have to face 'grown up' issues. it's also the way society has changed. i mean, i realise that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain - and therefore is not purely environmental - but i do believe that there can be contributors and stressors that make a person more susceptible to it. i think that's what has happened to me. life.
i think i have become so consumed by the various events throughout my life, that i have forgotten to enjoy it. i need to start enjoying my life, otherwise i will wake up one day to find that it is over.
i know that i made so much progress recently. i started to believe in beauty again. i am not going to give up. just because i've had a 'bad day'.
my personal short term mission now is to force myself to find one thing that i am grateful for every day. one thing that i can say "today was a good day because....."
if i do not write one thing everyday, i want you, my 'followers', to hound me. ask me. what was i grateful for today?
after my last entry (the big, emotional one) i had a few replies - some public, some private. i want to thank you, so sincerely and deeply for your encouragement and support. it is nice to know that even though i feel alone in this struggle (because, ultimately, it is a personal struggle), there are people who are thinking of me, and hoping for me to find beauty and joy again.
sometimes, i have to admit (and apologise for), i find myself feeling a twinge of jealousy as i observe my wonderful friends live their lives, finding amazing jobs, enjoying life with their partners (some with children), discovering their passions and their purpose in life. especially my friends who i have seen go through struggles of their own....now to see them flourishing - it makes me happy, but also a tiny weeny bit sad that it's not me. i am proud of them, nonetheless, for conquering their obstacles and not giving up. i know they deserve all the happiness, joy and beauty they have now.
the reason i want to thank those of you who take the time to comment on my blog, is because - through your feedback - i am beginning to feel a sense of purpose for myself. this blog, that started out as being an outlet for me (because i was too lazy to write in a normal diary), is now becoming an empowering place for me, where i feel that what i have to write is important. that maybe, what i have to say will have an impact on someone else, some day. that maybe, just maybe, i have been 'cursed with a blessing'.
no man is an island. and no matter how much of a 'personal struggle' depression is, it always helps to know that you actually aren't alone. it is always helpful to know that someone else has been there - and has made it through the other side. it always helps to know that someone believes in you, and that they can see the light that still shines, somewhere buried deep inside your darkness.
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