Truth: Part 2

I have been awake most of the night after my blog post yesterday. 
Thinking about why I was so scared of him.
So scared of wanting to make him happy, not upset him, not disagree with him.

Then I remembered that one night.
The night I think my fear all stemmed from.

It was a night during a time when he was actually home. 
I had decided to go out for a girls night...nothing major. He'd gone out with the boys the weekend before, so I thought it would be okay.
It was still relatively early (about midnight) and the girls wanted to stay out, but I decided I was ready to go home. I called him and asked him if he'd mind picking me up (we lived about 15 mins from 'town' at this stage)

he said no. get a cab.

So I got a cab.
The minute I arrived home, I could sense his anger. I could almost smell it.
He started yelling.
Calling me all sorts of horrible names.
Saying all sorts of horrible things.
How dare I call him to ask for a ride?!?!
How dare I go out for a girls night and leave him at home?!?!
And what had I truly been up to that night? Who had I really been with?!?

The accusations were flying.
The angry words were flying.
Next, the telephone went flying.
He had thrown our home phone across the room, trying to hit me with it.
He had missed, and the phone smashed against the dresser.

He demanded I slept in the spare room that night

The next day, somehow, he managed to convince me it was all my fault. That I was to blame. That I was in the wrong.
And I believed him.

I guess that was when I started thinking about everything I said or did...and whether or not it was going to make him angry again. 'Walking on eggshells' as they call it...

It was from that moment on, I started living in fear.

This wasn't the last night of this kind...but it's the first one I can remember.

My intention here is not to 'bad-mouth' my ex, defame him or say that everything that was wrong with our marriage was his fault.I feel compelled to share this story because if I can help just one person be freed from a relationship like this, then my journey has been worth it.

My advice to someone living in a relationship, like mine was, is this - GET OUT! 
It is NOT healthy. It is NOT normal.
It is NOT love.

Love is patient
Love is kind

Love doesn't get easily or uncontrollably angry
Love doesn't throw household objects with the intention to hurt you
Love doesn't try and control you
Love doesn't live a life of double standards 

I know its not easy.

I know it may seem like you can't walk away...like your world won't exist without him in it...like you would be lost without him.

But are you actually YOU?
Is it actually YOUR world?

Are you truly happy?


You WILL be okay without him
You DO deserve someone who truly loves you - and truly understands the meaning of love
You will find someone who accepts you for YOU, and allows you to be the fullest, most truest form of yourself

You just have to believe it.

One day.
You will.


no regrets. just love

Truth

You know those moments where you have a sudden revelation?

An "a-ha" moment?

That moment when the lightbulb flicks on and something that you've really known all along is suddenly impossible to deny anymore?


I had one of those moments today.
A harsh reality, but an important one nonetheless.

It's something I've really known for a long time - but i had just never seen it so plainly before.
It was in black and white. Right in front of my face....

In a book I was reading for work.


The book was 'Time to Think', written by Nancy Kline.
Nothing really to do with my situation, really....which is why this jumped out and smacked me in the face so much

The book talks about creating a Thinking Environment and how your actions and abilities to listen to someone can actually improve their thinking skills.
One chapter talked about what to look out for - what NOT to do.

Then I saw it.
Co-dependent.
As in someone who is an addict - or in a relationship that feeds someone's addiction.

The excerpt I am going to write pretty much sums up my so-called marriage.
This isn't easy to admit.

"But co-dependants are everywhere, not just in the lives of active addicts.
You are co-dependent if:
- you feel that you are dying (literally) if the person is mad with you
- you feel joy only when the other person is happy and are sad the minute they feel sad
- you ask them what THEY think in order to know what YOU think
- you lie to keep them pleased
- you do not know you exist apart from them
- you exist in a pool of anxiety when you haven't heard from them
- you are most happy obeying, most uncomfortable thinking for yourself"

Wow.
I can honestly say that I answered yes to every single one of those points in relation to how I used to feel about my relationship with my ex.

I was scared of him
I was scared of upsetting him and making him mad
I was scared to tell him how I felt or what I wanted because it never really was important
I was scared of being on my own because I didn't know who I was anymore without him

Anyone who knew me before I got married will agree.....I slowly lost more and more of who I was the longer I was in that relationship

It was unhealthy.
It was destructive
It was slowly killing me

But I allowed it.
I enabled it
I didn't stand up to it or him

I was co-dependent.


There. I said it.


But now I am free.
And today, the revelation came to me.....stronger than it has ever before.
I am FREE!
free from that constant fear
Free from living my life with someone else's ideas, feelings, thoughts
Free from having one person have so much control over my life.

Words can not express how amazing that realisation is.
How truly deeply grateful I am.
I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I am free to be ME

And I am never going to be a co-dependent
EVER AGAIN!

I guess I just made my new years resolution :)


no regrets. just love

"small bump"

So.

Today has been a day of highs and lows.

The weather has been been beautiful, although a lil cold, here in Sydney. I got out for a walk around the bay near where I live and soaked up some delicious sunshine and inhaled the 'fresh' air.

I had a great skype convo with someone I'm missing badly right now...a convo that made me smile. a LOT

and then, i settled in for a lazy sunday avo watching some tele....and internetting.

I came across this blog from ZMs Polly. I was tempted not to read it, as I had an idea it would stir up emotions inside me I didn't want to feel...but I read it anyway

of course....emotions welled.
everything she said is true. it doesn't matter how far along you are, having a miscarriage is devastating.

what also stirred a different emotion in me was reading about how supportive her husband Grant was during her experiences. how he grieved with her. it wasn't just her going through the journey alone.

I think I realised, that my miscarriage was when my depression really hit me. Not only was I struggling with all the emotions and questions that come with 'losing' a baby, and all those dreams being shattered. But I was also trying to deal with it alone...without the support of my partner. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realise that he actually just never even cared.
That realisation hurts.

For those who don't already know, the changes that have happened for me over the past few months have been relating to my marriage. it ended at Christmas last year. he decided we were better off as 2 individuals, not husband and wife anymore.
One of the comments that people often make when they find out (and when they find out, or if they already know, about my miscarriage) is "well, just as well you don't have any kids together"

Is it really? yes, I know that separation and divorce when kids are involved CAN be messy and can be difficult, but does that outweigh the fact that the only thing I've ever wanted in life is to be a mummy? the fact that I still miss that precious baby that never made it. that I still notice something missing in my life?

i know that miscarriage is a common experience for most women in their lives. but that doesn't make it hurt less.
i know that marriage breakdown is also (very sadly) a common experience for a lot of people in this day and age. but that doesn't make it hurt less.

everyone's journey is their own. this is a part of mine.

all i know is you have to learn from your experiences.
so what can i learn from this?
well, i can't decide whether or not the next baby i conceive will make it into this world.
but i can decide one thing:
the next person i choose to be with is going to be someone who i know will support me through anything. someone who will journey through the experience with me. someone who will not leave me to deal with it on my own.

that i CAN choose.

no regrets. just love

road to nowhere?

after yesterday's blog being so positive...i have to admit, today is completely different.

i'm feeling very lonely today. very alone. 

i know i'm on a journey, one that may take a while...

but sometimes i wonder just where this road is taking me?

it feels like i'm on a road to nowhere....sometimes.

like i take one step forward, then 2 gigantic steps backwards.

(photo taken at Pineda de Mar in Spain)

one day, hopefully, i will reach the end of the road...or at least start out on a new, better journey.

thought provoking week

hello all.
sorry i haven't written (again) for such a long time. there's been a lot going on lately. one of my best friend's  little sister is in a critical condition in hospital at the mo, and it really gets you thinking about life and what's important.

isn't it dumb, though, that it takes something serious like this to make you appreciate the good things you have? your health, for one.

too often these days we get too busy with life, that we forget about the people in it who really mean everything to us - the people who make life worthwhile.
my new challenge for myself is to take more time out of being busy and making more time for my friends and family.

i think i already do kind of okay....but i know i can do so much better.

so the week hasn't ended on such a good note...hopefully things will improve for my friend's sister....everyone is thinking and praying for her.

however, there have been some fun times lately....mostly with my photography....another wedding and another baby bump shoot.....lots of fun!

wedding in new plymouth:

baby bump shots:

a big huge thank you to all the people who have trusted me to capture these special moments in their lives. i have a few more booked in, which is exciting and completely humbling......i really enjoy catching these moments - as all of these moments together, with the special people in our lives, are truly what life is all about.

these 2 sets of photos also show completely my life slogan "no regrets. just love"
the stories behind the photos are amazing too - and that's why i love being a part of it. for me, i prefer these more personal jobs...because i know where the people have been and i will know them in the future too....i don't just walk in and out of their lives.

there have been times when i have been close to chucking in the photog role. there are MANY times where i feel inadequate and completely out of my depth. there are times where i wonder why i should expect people to put such important events in my hands to photograph. i know everyone starts somewhere, but do i do a good enough job?

after the week that's passed, i have decided that i shouldn't be so down on myself. Ultimately, i take photos because i love doing it. and because i love capturing the special moments for the people who are special in my life. I don't know if photography will ever truly be a career for me - in the sense that total strangers hire me to snap away during their weddings or to capture the innocent and beautiful faces of their children... but if there are people in my life who like my work and want me to photograph their moments, then i will happily do so. it is actually an honour.

my message for everyone today is to stop and think about how you see yourself and your life. are you feeling down? can you not see any positive things at the moment? remember to appreciate even the little things that you have. all the little things eventually add up to a heck of a lot. and also remember, the little things that you have may be the things that others are desperately wishing for. be grateful and content with your hand in life. if you're not, then make the changes you need to be happy. take every opportunity to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you. take every opportunity to live your life to the fullest.


love easily. anger slowly. accept differences. celebrate beauty.

no regrets. just love.

what it means to me....

depression can mean different things to different people.

to me, depression is an evil. a killer.
it kills hope. love. beauty. laughter. joy. faith. and vision.
all things that are vital to a healthy and successful life.

depression kills your ability to trust.
in yourself. in others. in the world.

depression kills relationships.
even the ones you thought were the strongest.

depression kills humour.
things you once found hilarious don't seem so funny any more.

depression kills understanding.
it seems you become lost in translation. even with those you are closest to.

have you ever had a moment in time where you feel like you are screaming at the top of your lungs, in a crowded room, and no-one even stops to look up at you?
or a moment when you feel like you're buried alive, and you're banging on the coffin, but the people keep on shoveling the dirt on top of you?
or a moment when you are under water, scrambling for the sunlight at the surface, but an invisible force is holding your foot so you don't get anywhere?
or a moment, in a dream, where you are running away from a monster, but you are running on soft sand, against a strong wind so you can't run fast, and the monster is gaining on you?

to me, all of those moments are what having depression is like, for a major chunk of the time.
sometimes, the feelings just become so intense, you can't see an end to them. you can't find a solution. and sometimes, you can't even remember the reason for their existence.

all you know, in that moment, is that excruciatingly overwhelming sense of emotion - usually sadness or insecurity or doubt. there is nothing else. no voice of reason or truth or light.
just the voice of the killer, spreading its evil through your thoughts.

depression kills confidence.
to yourself, you are the least exciting person, with the least amount to offer.

depression kills control.
you no longer have control over your emotional reactions, and your interpretations become skewed.

there are times, in extreme cases, where depression kills life.
sometimes, the extremity of the emotions become too much.
sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is never reached.
for those people, i feel sadness.
it hurts me to think of the loneliness, emptiness, and hopelessness they must have felt during that dark moment when depression got the better of them.
that's why i find it so difficult when others talk about people who take their own lives as being 'selfish'.
i understand both sides of the argument, and agree, in part, with them both.
for the family and loved ones left behind, the hurt and pain of not knowing why, will never subside. the loss they feel, and possibly the guilt of not having known or being able to help, will live on with them.

having nearly been in a place of absolute darkness, i understand the desire to end the emotional overload. to end the feeling of failure. to end the feeling of sadness. to end the hurt and to quiet the evil voices in your head.
however, i'm not saying that i agree it is the right thing to do.

i am so thankful that i was pulled back from that place. i am so thankful that i am still here. even though, some days are hard and i wonder if it would've made that much of a difference to everyone else....
but i have hope again now. and i have joy.
yes, i still have sadness. and yes i still struggle with feelings of failure, inadequacy, and darkness.
but there is some light. and i intend to hold on to that light.

i know that there are people around me who would've missed me if i wasn't here. i know that, to them, i mean everything. and that makes the battle worth it.

i am thankful that i never completely lost the fight.
for me, from now on, depression is a LOSER.
you've already lost the battle, big D. I am still here. and i am still smiling.
i still see beauty in the world, and i still find joy.
what's even better, i am still learning so much about myself.
every day brings new enlightenment.
new enlightenment brings new empowerment.

one day, i am sure, i will be triumphant. i will be the WINNER.
i can't wait for that day.
i'm going to have the biggest, most funnest party ever!!!!

p.s. you're all invited :)

why me?

there are times when i wonder why i have depression.
am i being punished for something?
was i too happy before?
or was i too ungrateful for the blessings i had.


other times i remind myself that it is often the most amazing minds and the most gentlest spirits who are affected by depression. i read somewhere once (sorry i can't give credit where it's due) that depression usually hits the least deserving people - that it's usually the most amazing people who are 'cursed' with this monster.


but most of the time i am somewhere in between. i think life is harder these days. it's not just because i've grown up and have to face 'grown up' issues. it's also the way society has changed. i mean, i realise that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain - and therefore is not purely environmental - but i do believe that there can be contributors and stressors that make a person more susceptible to it. i think that's what has happened to me. life.
i think i have become so consumed by the various events throughout my life, that i have forgotten to enjoy it. i need to start enjoying my life, otherwise i will wake up one day to find that it is over.

i know that i made so much progress recently. i started to believe in beauty again. i am not going to give up. just because i've had a 'bad day'.
my personal short term mission now is to force myself to find one thing that i am grateful for every day. one thing that i can say "today was a good day because....."
if i do not write one thing everyday, i want you, my 'followers', to hound me. ask me. what was i grateful for today?

after my last entry (the big, emotional one) i had a few replies - some public, some private. i want to thank you, so sincerely and deeply for your encouragement and support. it is nice to know that even though i feel alone in this struggle (because, ultimately, it is a personal struggle), there are people who are thinking of me, and hoping for me to find beauty and joy again.

sometimes, i have to admit (and apologise for), i find myself feeling a twinge of jealousy as i observe my wonderful friends live their lives, finding amazing jobs, enjoying life with their partners (some with children), discovering their passions and their purpose in life. especially my friends who i have seen go through struggles of their own....now to see them flourishing - it makes me happy, but also a tiny weeny bit sad that it's not me. i am proud of them, nonetheless, for conquering their obstacles and not giving up. i know they deserve all the happiness, joy and beauty they have now.

the reason i want to thank those of you who take the time to comment on my blog, is because - through your feedback - i am beginning to feel a sense of purpose for myself. this blog, that started out as being an outlet for me (because i was too lazy to write in a normal diary), is now becoming an empowering place for me, where i feel that what i have to write is important. that maybe, what i have to say will have an impact on someone else, some day. that maybe, just maybe, i have been 'cursed with a blessing'.

if WHEN i break the chains of depression and rid my life of this overwhelming sadness, i will use my experience to help others. i will never forget this journey and this struggle, and i will make some good of it.

no man is an island. and no matter how much of a 'personal struggle' depression is, it always helps to know that you actually aren't alone. it is always helpful to know that someone else has been there - and has made it through the other side. it always helps to know that someone believes in you, and that they can see the light that still shines, somewhere buried deep inside your darkness.

pressure to be....

lately i have been struggling with a 'pressure to be'.....

it's hard to make sense of it. but basically i have been feeling pressures from all places to be somewhere or something for someone else. i know that a lot of those times, i have been needed. other times, it's just me and my fear of letting someone else down. but right now, i am feeling exhausted. i feel like i have been everything to everyone else, and i have been neglecting ME.

one of my very wise friends said "how can you do something else for someone else when you're burnt out?"
i tried to take a day for me. and all i managed was a couple of hours. but at least that's a start.
writing here is also time for me. i haven't been on here for a while, and i think it's because i've been avoiding the words flying around in my head.

i have had to deal with a lot of unpleasant reality in the last couple of weeks. a death in the family. sudden and very sad circumstances. now, i have lost some of the beauty i had begun to build up in my world again.
now i am left with an overwhelming feeling that i will never get there. i will never have complete beauty and happiness again. i think it's sometimes possibly true because of the fact that anytime i am faced with true beauty or true happiness, usually seen in other people, i am unable to cope with it and i end up a crumpled crying mess.

i think i am feeling a lot of self-pity right now. i have lost all motivation to better my world. i feel that i have tried so hard and really believed that i was getting somewhere, only to have it fall down around me.
am i doing something wrong? am i still keeping up invisible walls without meaning to? am i just incapable of feeling true and deep happiness?
or am i just really really tired and will everything be better after the christmas holidays?

i do know that i miss my mister. a lot. and i just want our life to begin properly already. i am ready for the next stage. i am ready for a home to call our own. our own space - space where i can be creative and express my inner voice. space where i can be comfortable enough to truly be myself...in all my messiness :p
i am ready for and desperately needing consistency in my time with him. i just want to be with him. all the time. i want to wake up and know that he will be next to me. i get lonely waking up on my own too often.
i know that it is not advised when you have depression to really try and have a baby, but i honestly think that i am ready for that too. i am my happiest when i am around my niece and nephew - the joy they bring me is so indescribable, and i eagerly anticipate the love and joy that i know i will feel when i have my own cherubs.

i have also been battling with comments from others regarding depression. i remind myself not to get upset or angry at the person specifically, because i know that no-one can truly understand the grips of depression unless they have been there personally. but it gets frustrating when some people just refuse to even try and understand. it is more like an ignorance. an intolerance. and it frustrates me. if i could just 'snap out of it', i would. TRUST ME! this is not some fairground ride that i enjoy, and that i would wish to take again. if i had a choice, i would not choose depression. FOR ANYBODY.

this blog is now also a mission for me to continue to raise awareness of the illness....to help others who battle with depression to be heard - to express their experiences and feelings without fear of discrimination or judgement.

so. today's blog, my first in a long time, has been a heavy and emotion-filled one. i'm sorry for that. but i needed to clear my mind and get these oppressive thoughts down.
i am tired of being this 'version' of me. i don't like who i am right now. i am ready for the new and improved.


This. Is. Not. Who. I. Am.

the past...

so. we all know that we can't change the past. 

we have to just do the best we can to deal with it, and leave it behind.

sometimes, though, no matter how well you think you've dealt with something - there it is again *BAM* and it's smacked you on the side of the head again.

it's not so much the past that gives you a whack. but the stab you feel when you realize that, just maybe, you haven't dealt with it completely. that whack causes cracks…then you start to doubt that you've actually really left it in the past.

this was me, yesterday. just one word is all it took. *BAM* there i was - practically K.O'd by it. shook me for a minute. then i snapped out of it. it wasn't until later, when i was lying awake in bed, that i reevaluated the knock. what is wrong with me?!?!?!? deal with it, rachel, and let it go! 

i don't know if it's my lack of self-esteem at the moment that causes me to feel this way. or maybe it's the depression that makes my mind keep on revisiting the hurt. maybe i don't want to forget, so that it will never happen again.

all i know is, that this is one aspect that is top of my list of battles. i WILL deal with it. and i WILL leave it behind. i WILL be stronger because of it. and i WILL be better because of it, somehow. hard to believe at times, and hard to understand just how that is supposed to happen, when my mind is still clouded with lurking darkness. somewhere, in that darkness, there has to be some light. there has to be some of the me left who wouldn't even let this bother her. the me that wouldn't even flinch at the punch just thrown at her. the me that would've just got up and punched the past right back in the face.

i refuse to let the past dictate my future. i refuse to be limited to this feeling of weakness. i am better than that. now, i just have to believe it myself.

wow. that was some deep stuff. good to get it down though - stop it from swirling around in my head.

on a lighter note. i have rediscovered  picnik - a website that i started using aaaages ago and never really got into. duh! what was wrong with me?! haha. it's awesome. i love the effects i can do with my pics. a lot of the time, these days, it's all in the editing that makes great photos. i personally love this pic. not to brag or anything.

anyway, off for some socializing. put on a happy face :)