possible to be loved

it has been nearly a year since my last post.

what can i say, i've been busy.

i've been busy growing.
                       learning.
                       changing.
                       loving.

i've been busy living.

my move to china happened nearly 9 months ago now. it is so clear that this is definitely where i'm supposed to be.

right now, i am in the moment that, quite a while ago, i had hoped would come.
that 'one day everything will make sense' moment.

it's kind of exciting, i have to admit.


i'm not gonna lie and pretend that every day is easy now.
that i don't still have difficult days.
that the darkness doesn't still linger in the background.
that those harmful words spoken over me don't still play on my insecurities.

every day is not easy. but most of the days are.
i do still have difficult days, but they are few and far between - and now i have someone who gets it, gets me
and actually wants to support me on those days.
the darkness tries its hardest to take over again. but i am stronger now.
those words do still echo in the most remote corners of my mind,
but his loving words now scream louder


china not only brought me new direction, new purpose, new adventures.
it also brought me new love.
real love.
the kind that knows all your darkness, all your fears, all your insecurities, but chooses to stay.
the kind that works hard every day to show you your strengths, your possibilities, your light.
i never knew it could be so freeing. so uplifting. so amazing.

he is beyond incredible.
and i feel so incredibly blessed.

china has also brought another kind of love.
me love.

"i know i am enough.

possible to be loved.

it was not about me"

                              {katy perry}

no more focussing on who i was. or who i was perceived to be.
i now see who i am. who i can be.

i'm still learning, still growing.
still finding my way in some regards.
but i'm getting there.
and now, i know the way.


the only way is up.

no regrets. just love

2013

it's that time of year.
new years eve.
time for both reflection on the year that's passed, and looking forward to the year to come.

i don't believe in new years resolutions.
i believe in continually growing & challenging myself.....
             ....regardless of the date.


2012 has been an interesting year, to say the least.

a lot of growth....a lot of learning

quite possibly the most difficult year of my life.
but at the same time....possibly the most liberating & beneficial year.

yes, I still have a LONG way to go
yes, I will still have my bad days
yes, I still need to learn to love myself
yes, I still need to learn to trust again


but I am grateful for the things I have learned.
I am grateful for the people i've met.
i am proud of how far I have come
i accept my journey & embrace the growth that is still to come

2013 is going to be an exciting and, again, challenging year - but challenging in a positive way

for those who read my last post...you'll no doubt be wanting to know where my path leads next....



i can now make the 'announcement'

this little kiwi is spreading her wings again.
new places
new people
new learning
new adventures

i have accepted a position as Head of Nursery at an international school in China!!!!!!!
i can not contain my excitement!
i am so thankful for the amazing opportunity and it's definitely one that I wasn't going to pass up!

even though our paths may not take the direction we have planned...or imagined...or hoped

sometimes, the unchartered path, the unexpected changes, the so-called 'speed bumps' in life bring the most reward.

just sometimes, the 'spanner in the works' is actually the best thing that could've ever happened to you



it's not what happens to you that matters, but your response to it.

2013 is a year for living my life.

no regrets. just love
x

my life. a constant adventure.

So. It seems my life here in Sydney is a transient one.

For what I needed at the time......

          An escape from reality

          Something new to focus on

          New people and places

          New self discovery

                                  .....Sydney has been perfect

However, you can't run from your problems forever.

Some day you need to stop, turn around and face them head on. 

Smack.

Also...

Sometimes you need to stop trying to do everything on your own

Sometimes you need to surround yourself with your family and friends

Just sometimes, you need a lil bit of help

and I'm not too proud to admit that.

So my next step is to head back across the ditch...back to the homeland...back into those warm, welcoming and loving arms of those who know me best...

But, as with my whole life so far....

       ....that won't be for long either.

There's another adventure brewing. One that I am so excited about!

And after a lil more healing, and a little bit of mustard, I'll be totally ready to embrace it!

I am adamant that I won't let any amazing opportunity pass me by.

As always, I choose to live with no regrets.

Looking forward. Moving forward, no matter how slowly. 

All I need I courage!

After all....life is a journey, not a destination.

No regrets. Just love

mantra. made permanent

so. the title of this blog is 'no regrets. just love'

what does that mean to me?

yes. it is a line from a cheesy and catchy katy perry tune. i'm a not-so-secret lover of pop. what can i say. i'm an 80s girl. no apologies there.

but it was those 4 words that stood out to me back in 2010.
back then, they resonated with me because of my depression.
now, they resonate for different reasons.

regardless of the why behind it - those 4 words still speak deeply to me.

life is a journey. a roller-coaster, if you will.

you can't predict what is going to happen. you can't change what has passed.

all you can do is live your life the best you can. live with no regrets. no 'what ifs'.
live a life you can be proud of.
and through the journey, you have to love. as much as you can.

love yourself. the most important (as I am still learning)
love those who love you
love those who hurt you.

because, ultimately, everyone comes in to your life for a reason.
everyone has lessons to teach you.

it's up to you whether you learn those lessons. or not.

i am still learning a lot. about life. about love. about me.
but i am learning. and growing. and that's the main thing.

i don't regret anything that has happened in my life. even the things that have made me cry.

i am grateful for the good times. the best times. the happy times.
the memories that i have of the past.
the memories that make me smile when i think of them.
especially the people who have been a part of those memories.

i am grateful, also, for the hard times.
the memories i sometimes wish i could forget.
the memories i sometimes wish never happened.
even the people who have broken my heart.

for everything that has happened is part of who i am.
and i am learning to love who that is.
even with the scars.

you only live once.
and i intend to live my life.
i intend to feel every feeling that i can.
the love.
the hurt.
the laughter.
the pain.

as a reminder, as if i could ever forget, i decided to get my mantra forever inked to my skin.

There's nothing for you to become, just to realise who you are - Joseph Clough.

I hope you live a life you're proud of. -F. Scott Fitzgerald

I myself don't have amazingly memorable or quotable words to express how important one's journey is, or how paramount it is to love yourself - no matter your scars....

all i can do is share with you my journey. my lessons.

and tell you that your journey is amazing.
no matter your scars.
no matter your battles.
no matter your hurts or your joys.

you are enough.


no regrets. just love.

my new mantra....

this photo was taken the same day as AJ's celebration service - some of her friends released blue balloons for her. i just love the pic (borrowed from the friend). added the quote.

this is what i need to continue to remember to do. just breathe. let go of the negative. let go of what i can't control. let go of the insecurities. let go of the doubts. let go of the past (well, the not-so-good parts anyway). just live my life. take a chance. who cares if i make the wrong decision? at least i made a decision! you never know if you don't try.

i have accepted a new job! woooo. excite. but also a little bit eeeek. nervous as heck. had a fleeting moment of worry - did i pick the right job? what if it's not the right one?

but that didn't last. i'm just going to run with the fact that i chose one. it's done. i can't unchange it (for now anyway). let's just see how it goes.

i've been going along to some therapy sessions with a psychologist (yes - that title did freak me out at first - am i really THAT screwed up?)
so far so good.
it almost feels like when i talk, as the words come out, i can let go of the hurt.
acknowledge the pain. then watch it fly away.
it's impossible to deny that talking does help. well, it does for me.
i guess it's just hearing that how i'm feeling is okay. i'm not crazy. i have a reason for feeling the way i do.

so now, i start my new job on tuesday! i'm super amped.
it's only 13 sleeps til the mister is back. can't wait to see my favourite person on the planet!
i just helped my niece get all ready for her dress up 'under the sea' day at kindy - as a mermaid.

life is good.

i'm living for today.
with hope for tomorrow.

no regrets. just love

new beginnings

well i promised an update, so here it is.

roughly 3 weeks ago, i resigned from my job. i didn't have another one lined up. just decided it was time to move on.

at first, i was a bit freaked out. no job = no money. even though my hubby has been supporting me, i still don't like not being able to earn my own money.

at first, i spent a lot of time thinking about that door that i just shut. was it the right thing to do? will i find another job? i'm going to miss the children so much!

but then i realised. the longer you spend looking at the door that has shut, the less likely you will be to see the other door that is opening for you.

i decided to move my focus away from the shut door of the old job.
that was a chapter in my life. an important chapter, and one that i have enjoyed, mostly.
but sometimes change is good.
new beginnings are important to stop ourselves getting stale and unchallenged.

i have been focusing my attention on the exciting future that i can now create for myself. a new job...one that i can choose and have the luxury {thanks to the amazing hubby} of not having to rush into.

i have been enjoying the time to get back to me over the past few weeks. rediscovering what i enjoy. what i value. what i have been missing in my life lately.
sure, the extra time has also meant that i have been missing the hubby a lot more than usual, but i just tell myself that i am lucky to have a hubby to miss. and missing him means that i love him. and that's a good thing :)

i have had more time to spend with friends, family, myself.

i have done a little bit of photography too, which i haven't done for a while.

today was a beautiful day and i had the delightful pleasure of taking some photos for a gorgeous little family who wanted to celebrate the life of their son. an outdoor venue was chosen {a gorgeous park that i used to frequent a lot as a little girl with my Gran}

here are a few shots that i snapped of the beautiful surroundings in between shots of the family {totally unedited, btw}

so, you can see the stunning crisp autumn {nearly winter} day that it was!


so this post is all about having no regrets. life is too short to stay in a job that isn't right for you. life is too short to stay indoors just because it's a little bit chilly. life is just too short for regrets full stop.

here's to the future. although uncertain as to what it brings for me, i'm excited.
bring it on!

i still see beauty...

i have been surrounded in beauty over the past few days. not only did my wonderful mister send me a beautiful bouquet of flowers for our anniversary (some of which are still going strong), 

i also received an anonymous bouquet of stunning tulips. i am guessing that these beauties are from one of you, my followers, so again i wish to say thank you. 

tulips are, in my opinion, an often overlooked and forgotten flower. but i have been absolutely loving the array of colours, and watching them slowly open up. 

not only have i received beautiful flowers, but i am becoming more and more aware of how to appreciate what i already have.
the beautiful family and friends that i have been blessed with are continuously uplifting me, despite their own 'things' going on. i am overwhelmed by the support and love these people pour into my life. i am realising that having a few amazing close friends is far better than having a whole hoard of 'friends' who you barely see/hear from. i already knew that friendships change as you 'grow up', but it doesn't stop the hurt when a friendship is lost forever. i have been lucky enough to have a few old friendships that have come back to life.
i am also so thankful for all the amazing messages i have been receiving from all of you. i almost decided to stop my blog. but that idea was short-lived. apparently, my goal of creating understanding of what it is like to suffer from depression is actually being achieved. i have been told that i am helping people get a 'new perspective' on the whole issue.

i have also started getting creative again....something i haven't done for quite a while. this is the latest piece i made which i'm actually quite in love with....

(excuse the poor quality of the pic, and the shadows. 

i'll get a better photo of it soon)

i believe that no matter what the pain is that you are feeling, eventually there will be some healing, eventually there will be something to make life worth it again. i have decided to focus on my beautiful family and friends and the way they make me feel. they make life worth it. they make battling with my depression worth it. i want to be better. for them and for me. i want them to see the true me that is still buried under the dark cloak of depression. i want to see her too. sometimes, i think i get a glimpse of her and it gives me hope.

i saw this quote that my darling eldest sister put on her facey page. i had to steal (sorry kyky x)

Hope is sweet-minded and sweet-eyed. 

It draws pictures; it weaves fancies; it fills the future with delight.

- Henry Ward Beecher

here's to a future filled with delight. a future with no regrets.

a future filled with love 

30 things to do.....revisited

so, i can't sleep, and i just remembered that ages ago i wrote a blog about the things i want to do before i turn 30. i thought it would be fun to revisit that list and see how many (if any) things i could tick off the list.


hmmm...i might have a lot of work ahead of me.


#1 - perform in a stage musical - haven't even thought about this one yet
#2 - do a photography course - am looking at options now :)
#3 - go sky-diving
#4 - start business with Kylie
#5 - go to New York
#6 - do a make-up course - again - looking at options now! excited :)
#7 - go to the Melbourne Races - tickets are BOOKED! wooooooooo!
#8 - sell my first photograph - to someone i don't know :) - DONE! this was done ages ago....pretty exciting moment :)
#9 - sit my Grade 8 piano exam - i actually haven't even played since last year :(
#10 - be off my meds completely - nope. just got them upped. eeek.
#11 - help build a home for Habitat for Humanity
#12 - have been to 30 concerts in my life (so far i've been to 6, sad huh?) - getting better. i think it's more like 15 or something.
#13 - go skinny dipping
#14 - swim with sharks (well, at least cage diving anyway)
#15 - go scuba diving again (i haven't been for 6 years!)
#16 - learn french, enough to hold a decent conversation - am starting french classes next wednesday!
#17 - compete in and finish a half marathon - pfffft. whatever :)
#18 - write a letter to all the people in my life that i am close to, telling them what i appreciate about each of them - seems more important now than ever before. i WILL do this during my 2 weeks off.
#19 - learn a new sport
#20 - learn to surf (and NOT be scared of the sharks)
#21 - get back into dancing.  i will find a class and attend it - regularly.
#22 - lose 10kgs
#23 - have an overseas holiday with my 2 sisters
#24 - treat my bestie to something amazing (that she really needs)
#25 - set up an album where i take and print one picture every day - showing a highlight from that day
#26 - start writing a book
#27 - go on a Volunteer holiday with the hubby
#28 - be able to bait my own hook (this is one for the hubby, he'll be so please, haha) - this one i can actually do now! YES!
#29 - donate $500 to a local charity
#30 - have a baby (or at least get pregnant by the time i'm 30)





ah, see. still plenty of things to do before i'm 30. 
just as well. otherwise life would be pretty boring between now and january 2013!




also. i'm very excited that it's now autumn. i'm looking forward to getting the cameras out and having fun with the colours.

the future...

a blog response to yesterday's blog.
a conversation with myself. yes. but important.


so yesterday i was a bit upset about the past coming back to haunt me. i let that take over my mind for a bit.
my bad.

after heading out for some fun and mingling with the mister and his 'friends', i felt a lot better.
this morning, i woke up and decided to force myself to focus on something different.
the future.
the past is done. it's over. it's goneburger.
ain't nothing i can do to change it or the way i dealt with stuff before.

all i can do is look forward. look at how to deal with my emotions now and in the future. work on how to handle tricky situations that may arise. re-learn how to throw that punch back.

right now, i have a lot to be thankful for.
yes, i still have times when i feel ripped off, like i pulled the short straw, like life is a struggle.
but if i really look at my life, it's not all that bad.

i have a husband who loves me and wants me in his life.
i have a family who are always there for me no matter what. and who i actually enjoy spending time with.
i have the CUTEST and most precious niece and nephew who i simply adore.
i am currently in Germany experiencing something new.
i have been given so many opportunities to travel and broaden my horizons. some of those opportunities i had to work hard for. others i have been blessed with by various people in my life.
i have amazing friends. lots of friends i don't keep in regular contact with, but i know will always be 'just like old times' when we catch up. other friends i consider my closest ones - the ones who truly know me and still love me anyway. the ones i can be myself with - and i actually have a blast. with them, being me is actually enough. you know who you are.
i may not be the prettiest or the skinniest specimen out there, but at least i have eyes to see the beauty in the world. i have legs to take me places. i have ears to hear the sounds around me - some wonderful, some super annoying, but sounds nonetheless.
i have a heart that is open. sometimes too open, and that's how i get hurt. but it's open. and i wouldn't have it any other way. i have compassion for others. i have tolerance for others. and i know that's a good thing in a world of hate and racism and intolerance. i have love to give.

so. yeah. life isn't that bad. in fact, today, i would even venture as far as to say that life is good.
today, life is good.
tomorrow, if i stay focused and positive, life will be even better.


i'm off to Bremen today, to explore something new with some of the girls from the boat. new people. new sights.
this is me - waaaaaaaaaay out of my comfort zone.
exciting.
life.
let's do this.