the hardest thing to do....

another new chapter in my life begins.

i am home.
literally.

living back home with the parentals.
in my home town.

it feels good
but it's also a bit scary

                   ....there are lots of 'demons' to face being back here again.


something that has been weighing on my mind lately is why good things always seem to happen to bad people.

yet good people seem to get continuously crapped on



i'm not purely bleating away about my own problems here. although, sometimes - i'll admit it - i definitely think it.
i wonder 'am i really such a bad person that this bad stuff keeps happening to me?'

but then i remind myself that i have a LOT to be thankful for.
things to look forward to.
i remind myself, again and again, i am FREE to be ME - and that in itself is a blessing!

this 'good people get crapped on' thing happens all around me. daily.

it doesn't seem fair to watch people who are knowingly 'rotten eggs' seem to get everything they've ever wanted.
be successful.
find love.
find their form of happiness - no matter how shallow it is or who they've had to hurt to get it.

yet people who just ooze goodness and are a gift to all those they come into contact with, seem to get hammered with bad news, tough times, not getting what they want/need or getting what they don't want, and just all round general crap.


there are plenty of bad people who seem to have it all.
and it frustrates the s*%# out of me.



when i turned 30, i wrote a list of 30 things i wanted to do and be in my life from now on.
number 30 was this:
                              30) I will love others more, even those who hurt me or disappoint me.

since coming back home, that last one has been smacking me in the face daily.
it is a really hard thing to do.

there are days when i wonder why i should?
why do they deserve it if they can't treat me well?
why should i wish them well in their life?
why should i waste my love on them?

the answer is simple.

it's not about them!
i shouldn't waste my energy on negative thoughts or hate towards them.
holding on to hurt and anger only affects one person.
me.
and i am too precious and too awesome and too full of love and hope to be weighed down with anger.

yes, loving someone who hurts you is fully hard!
but wishing well for those who hurt you shows your strong character and spirit.
you will not be broken.
i will not be broken.


there are plenty of days when i feel i can't love those who have hurt me
but then i stop and think...
actually,
i can

loving others is just another way to build your own happiness.
having hate or anger or hurt just clutters up what space there is for your smiles
i am no longer pinning my happiness on others.
how they treat me now or how they treated me in the future.
only one person can truly determine your happiness.
and that's yourself
it's your decision, every morning, to wake up and say
today is a good day,
and i am going to be happy!!!

no regrets. just love

2013

it's that time of year.
new years eve.
time for both reflection on the year that's passed, and looking forward to the year to come.

i don't believe in new years resolutions.
i believe in continually growing & challenging myself.....
             ....regardless of the date.


2012 has been an interesting year, to say the least.

a lot of growth....a lot of learning

quite possibly the most difficult year of my life.
but at the same time....possibly the most liberating & beneficial year.

yes, I still have a LONG way to go
yes, I will still have my bad days
yes, I still need to learn to love myself
yes, I still need to learn to trust again


but I am grateful for the things I have learned.
I am grateful for the people i've met.
i am proud of how far I have come
i accept my journey & embrace the growth that is still to come

2013 is going to be an exciting and, again, challenging year - but challenging in a positive way

for those who read my last post...you'll no doubt be wanting to know where my path leads next....



i can now make the 'announcement'

this little kiwi is spreading her wings again.
new places
new people
new learning
new adventures

i have accepted a position as Head of Nursery at an international school in China!!!!!!!
i can not contain my excitement!
i am so thankful for the amazing opportunity and it's definitely one that I wasn't going to pass up!

even though our paths may not take the direction we have planned...or imagined...or hoped

sometimes, the unchartered path, the unexpected changes, the so-called 'speed bumps' in life bring the most reward.

just sometimes, the 'spanner in the works' is actually the best thing that could've ever happened to you



it's not what happens to you that matters, but your response to it.

2013 is a year for living my life.

no regrets. just love
x

my life. a constant adventure.

So. It seems my life here in Sydney is a transient one.

For what I needed at the time......

          An escape from reality

          Something new to focus on

          New people and places

          New self discovery

                                  .....Sydney has been perfect

However, you can't run from your problems forever.

Some day you need to stop, turn around and face them head on. 

Smack.

Also...

Sometimes you need to stop trying to do everything on your own

Sometimes you need to surround yourself with your family and friends

Just sometimes, you need a lil bit of help

and I'm not too proud to admit that.

So my next step is to head back across the ditch...back to the homeland...back into those warm, welcoming and loving arms of those who know me best...

But, as with my whole life so far....

       ....that won't be for long either.

There's another adventure brewing. One that I am so excited about!

And after a lil more healing, and a little bit of mustard, I'll be totally ready to embrace it!

I am adamant that I won't let any amazing opportunity pass me by.

As always, I choose to live with no regrets.

Looking forward. Moving forward, no matter how slowly. 

All I need I courage!

After all....life is a journey, not a destination.

No regrets. Just love

i still see beauty...

i have been surrounded in beauty over the past few days. not only did my wonderful mister send me a beautiful bouquet of flowers for our anniversary (some of which are still going strong), 

i also received an anonymous bouquet of stunning tulips. i am guessing that these beauties are from one of you, my followers, so again i wish to say thank you. 

tulips are, in my opinion, an often overlooked and forgotten flower. but i have been absolutely loving the array of colours, and watching them slowly open up. 

not only have i received beautiful flowers, but i am becoming more and more aware of how to appreciate what i already have.
the beautiful family and friends that i have been blessed with are continuously uplifting me, despite their own 'things' going on. i am overwhelmed by the support and love these people pour into my life. i am realising that having a few amazing close friends is far better than having a whole hoard of 'friends' who you barely see/hear from. i already knew that friendships change as you 'grow up', but it doesn't stop the hurt when a friendship is lost forever. i have been lucky enough to have a few old friendships that have come back to life.
i am also so thankful for all the amazing messages i have been receiving from all of you. i almost decided to stop my blog. but that idea was short-lived. apparently, my goal of creating understanding of what it is like to suffer from depression is actually being achieved. i have been told that i am helping people get a 'new perspective' on the whole issue.

i have also started getting creative again....something i haven't done for quite a while. this is the latest piece i made which i'm actually quite in love with....

(excuse the poor quality of the pic, and the shadows. 

i'll get a better photo of it soon)

i believe that no matter what the pain is that you are feeling, eventually there will be some healing, eventually there will be something to make life worth it again. i have decided to focus on my beautiful family and friends and the way they make me feel. they make life worth it. they make battling with my depression worth it. i want to be better. for them and for me. i want them to see the true me that is still buried under the dark cloak of depression. i want to see her too. sometimes, i think i get a glimpse of her and it gives me hope.

i saw this quote that my darling eldest sister put on her facey page. i had to steal (sorry kyky x)

Hope is sweet-minded and sweet-eyed. 

It draws pictures; it weaves fancies; it fills the future with delight.

- Henry Ward Beecher

here's to a future filled with delight. a future with no regrets.

a future filled with love 

thought provoking week

hello all.
sorry i haven't written (again) for such a long time. there's been a lot going on lately. one of my best friend's  little sister is in a critical condition in hospital at the mo, and it really gets you thinking about life and what's important.

isn't it dumb, though, that it takes something serious like this to make you appreciate the good things you have? your health, for one.

too often these days we get too busy with life, that we forget about the people in it who really mean everything to us - the people who make life worthwhile.
my new challenge for myself is to take more time out of being busy and making more time for my friends and family.

i think i already do kind of okay....but i know i can do so much better.

so the week hasn't ended on such a good note...hopefully things will improve for my friend's sister....everyone is thinking and praying for her.

however, there have been some fun times lately....mostly with my photography....another wedding and another baby bump shoot.....lots of fun!

wedding in new plymouth:

baby bump shots:

a big huge thank you to all the people who have trusted me to capture these special moments in their lives. i have a few more booked in, which is exciting and completely humbling......i really enjoy catching these moments - as all of these moments together, with the special people in our lives, are truly what life is all about.

these 2 sets of photos also show completely my life slogan "no regrets. just love"
the stories behind the photos are amazing too - and that's why i love being a part of it. for me, i prefer these more personal jobs...because i know where the people have been and i will know them in the future too....i don't just walk in and out of their lives.

there have been times when i have been close to chucking in the photog role. there are MANY times where i feel inadequate and completely out of my depth. there are times where i wonder why i should expect people to put such important events in my hands to photograph. i know everyone starts somewhere, but do i do a good enough job?

after the week that's passed, i have decided that i shouldn't be so down on myself. Ultimately, i take photos because i love doing it. and because i love capturing the special moments for the people who are special in my life. I don't know if photography will ever truly be a career for me - in the sense that total strangers hire me to snap away during their weddings or to capture the innocent and beautiful faces of their children... but if there are people in my life who like my work and want me to photograph their moments, then i will happily do so. it is actually an honour.

my message for everyone today is to stop and think about how you see yourself and your life. are you feeling down? can you not see any positive things at the moment? remember to appreciate even the little things that you have. all the little things eventually add up to a heck of a lot. and also remember, the little things that you have may be the things that others are desperately wishing for. be grateful and content with your hand in life. if you're not, then make the changes you need to be happy. take every opportunity to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you. take every opportunity to live your life to the fullest.


love easily. anger slowly. accept differences. celebrate beauty.

no regrets. just love.

why me?

there are times when i wonder why i have depression.
am i being punished for something?
was i too happy before?
or was i too ungrateful for the blessings i had.


other times i remind myself that it is often the most amazing minds and the most gentlest spirits who are affected by depression. i read somewhere once (sorry i can't give credit where it's due) that depression usually hits the least deserving people - that it's usually the most amazing people who are 'cursed' with this monster.


but most of the time i am somewhere in between. i think life is harder these days. it's not just because i've grown up and have to face 'grown up' issues. it's also the way society has changed. i mean, i realise that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain - and therefore is not purely environmental - but i do believe that there can be contributors and stressors that make a person more susceptible to it. i think that's what has happened to me. life.
i think i have become so consumed by the various events throughout my life, that i have forgotten to enjoy it. i need to start enjoying my life, otherwise i will wake up one day to find that it is over.

i know that i made so much progress recently. i started to believe in beauty again. i am not going to give up. just because i've had a 'bad day'.
my personal short term mission now is to force myself to find one thing that i am grateful for every day. one thing that i can say "today was a good day because....."
if i do not write one thing everyday, i want you, my 'followers', to hound me. ask me. what was i grateful for today?

after my last entry (the big, emotional one) i had a few replies - some public, some private. i want to thank you, so sincerely and deeply for your encouragement and support. it is nice to know that even though i feel alone in this struggle (because, ultimately, it is a personal struggle), there are people who are thinking of me, and hoping for me to find beauty and joy again.

sometimes, i have to admit (and apologise for), i find myself feeling a twinge of jealousy as i observe my wonderful friends live their lives, finding amazing jobs, enjoying life with their partners (some with children), discovering their passions and their purpose in life. especially my friends who i have seen go through struggles of their own....now to see them flourishing - it makes me happy, but also a tiny weeny bit sad that it's not me. i am proud of them, nonetheless, for conquering their obstacles and not giving up. i know they deserve all the happiness, joy and beauty they have now.

the reason i want to thank those of you who take the time to comment on my blog, is because - through your feedback - i am beginning to feel a sense of purpose for myself. this blog, that started out as being an outlet for me (because i was too lazy to write in a normal diary), is now becoming an empowering place for me, where i feel that what i have to write is important. that maybe, what i have to say will have an impact on someone else, some day. that maybe, just maybe, i have been 'cursed with a blessing'.

if WHEN i break the chains of depression and rid my life of this overwhelming sadness, i will use my experience to help others. i will never forget this journey and this struggle, and i will make some good of it.

no man is an island. and no matter how much of a 'personal struggle' depression is, it always helps to know that you actually aren't alone. it is always helpful to know that someone else has been there - and has made it through the other side. it always helps to know that someone believes in you, and that they can see the light that still shines, somewhere buried deep inside your darkness.