the hardest thing to do....

another new chapter in my life begins.

i am home.
literally.

living back home with the parentals.
in my home town.

it feels good
but it's also a bit scary

                   ....there are lots of 'demons' to face being back here again.


something that has been weighing on my mind lately is why good things always seem to happen to bad people.

yet good people seem to get continuously crapped on



i'm not purely bleating away about my own problems here. although, sometimes - i'll admit it - i definitely think it.
i wonder 'am i really such a bad person that this bad stuff keeps happening to me?'

but then i remind myself that i have a LOT to be thankful for.
things to look forward to.
i remind myself, again and again, i am FREE to be ME - and that in itself is a blessing!

this 'good people get crapped on' thing happens all around me. daily.

it doesn't seem fair to watch people who are knowingly 'rotten eggs' seem to get everything they've ever wanted.
be successful.
find love.
find their form of happiness - no matter how shallow it is or who they've had to hurt to get it.

yet people who just ooze goodness and are a gift to all those they come into contact with, seem to get hammered with bad news, tough times, not getting what they want/need or getting what they don't want, and just all round general crap.


there are plenty of bad people who seem to have it all.
and it frustrates the s*%# out of me.



when i turned 30, i wrote a list of 30 things i wanted to do and be in my life from now on.
number 30 was this:
                              30) I will love others more, even those who hurt me or disappoint me.

since coming back home, that last one has been smacking me in the face daily.
it is a really hard thing to do.

there are days when i wonder why i should?
why do they deserve it if they can't treat me well?
why should i wish them well in their life?
why should i waste my love on them?

the answer is simple.

it's not about them!
i shouldn't waste my energy on negative thoughts or hate towards them.
holding on to hurt and anger only affects one person.
me.
and i am too precious and too awesome and too full of love and hope to be weighed down with anger.

yes, loving someone who hurts you is fully hard!
but wishing well for those who hurt you shows your strong character and spirit.
you will not be broken.
i will not be broken.


there are plenty of days when i feel i can't love those who have hurt me
but then i stop and think...
actually,
i can

loving others is just another way to build your own happiness.
having hate or anger or hurt just clutters up what space there is for your smiles
i am no longer pinning my happiness on others.
how they treat me now or how they treated me in the future.
only one person can truly determine your happiness.
and that's yourself
it's your decision, every morning, to wake up and say
today is a good day,
and i am going to be happy!!!

no regrets. just love

30 things

So....
many, many posts ago, in what seems now like an alternate universe, I wrote a list of 30 things to do before I turned 30


I failed, so absolutely miserably, that I've decided to scrap that list and write a new one

I don't want to focus on what should've happened in the last 30 years, but didn't.
I don't want to focus on what didn't happen in the last 30 years that should've.

this list will be different.
It can't possibly be titled '30 things to do before I'm 30'

I'm 30 tomorrow.


So this time, it's 30 things that I'm going to do now that I'm (nearly) 30

Kind of like a challenge to myself to make the next chapter of my life the best ever
A list of things to remind myself how I want to live my life
A list of ways I can make the lives of others around me better too


1) I am going to be more thankful. Every day
2) I am going to leave each person I come into contact with better than when I found them....even if just by a smile or a small compliment
3) i will forgive others more
4) i will be more passionate about everything I do
5) I will pay attention and enjoy my life as it happens
6) I will grow stronger everyday
7) I will have more confidence
8) I will speak louder, especially if speaking up for something I believe in
9) I will start conversations with random people (e.g. At airports)
10) I will live with less expectations - I will just let it be
11) I will learn to say 'no' more. But at the same time, I will learn to say 'yes' more too
12) I will empower myself to change what I can, and let go of the rest
13) I WILL declutter and keep my environment tidy
14) I will focus on the positives more, including mine
15) I will accept invitations to go out more with friends
16) I will love myself more!
17) I will pay attention to how I talk to myself....no more put-downs, no more self-sabotage
18) I will drink more water
19) I will take more photos {is that possible, you say?}
20) I will make sure people know that I am happy to see them
21) im going to spend less on things, and spend more on experiences/people
22) I will travel to new places and meet new people
23) I will learn a new language {looks like Mandarin Chinese is up there on the list}
24) Im going to write more handwritten letters
25) I'm going to do more random acts of kindness
26) I'm going to stop taking things so personally
27) I'm going to take more time to observe my surroundings. Take just one more look. For just one more second.
28) I'm going to stop basing my worth on other peoples actions
29) I'm going to give more to others - time, money, whatever
30) I will love others more, even those who hurt me or disappoint me. We're all human. We all make mistakes. And we all need love.

Wow, that was actually quite hard.


Not long to go. The clock is counting down the hours.
Soon I will enter into what is going to be {I'm claiming it!!!!!!!} the best decade of my life!

I'm super excited.
I'm going to live my life. Each and every day.
I'm going to make a difference in other peoples lives, somehow.

This is it.

no regrets. just love

just a thought....

let's get one thing straight.
you are not your hair - frizzy, smooth or limp.
you are not your feet - colossal, average or tiny.
you are not your thighs - scrawny, muscular or dimpled.
you are NOT your looks.

what you are is far more than the eye can see.
you are your history.
you are your culture.
you are your quirks.
you are your talents.
you are your goals and accomplishments.
you are your relationships.
you are your spirit.

and absolutely none of that can be judged by a photograph.

i still see beauty...

i have been surrounded in beauty over the past few days. not only did my wonderful mister send me a beautiful bouquet of flowers for our anniversary (some of which are still going strong), 

i also received an anonymous bouquet of stunning tulips. i am guessing that these beauties are from one of you, my followers, so again i wish to say thank you. 

tulips are, in my opinion, an often overlooked and forgotten flower. but i have been absolutely loving the array of colours, and watching them slowly open up. 

not only have i received beautiful flowers, but i am becoming more and more aware of how to appreciate what i already have.
the beautiful family and friends that i have been blessed with are continuously uplifting me, despite their own 'things' going on. i am overwhelmed by the support and love these people pour into my life. i am realising that having a few amazing close friends is far better than having a whole hoard of 'friends' who you barely see/hear from. i already knew that friendships change as you 'grow up', but it doesn't stop the hurt when a friendship is lost forever. i have been lucky enough to have a few old friendships that have come back to life.
i am also so thankful for all the amazing messages i have been receiving from all of you. i almost decided to stop my blog. but that idea was short-lived. apparently, my goal of creating understanding of what it is like to suffer from depression is actually being achieved. i have been told that i am helping people get a 'new perspective' on the whole issue.

i have also started getting creative again....something i haven't done for quite a while. this is the latest piece i made which i'm actually quite in love with....

(excuse the poor quality of the pic, and the shadows. 

i'll get a better photo of it soon)

i believe that no matter what the pain is that you are feeling, eventually there will be some healing, eventually there will be something to make life worth it again. i have decided to focus on my beautiful family and friends and the way they make me feel. they make life worth it. they make battling with my depression worth it. i want to be better. for them and for me. i want them to see the true me that is still buried under the dark cloak of depression. i want to see her too. sometimes, i think i get a glimpse of her and it gives me hope.

i saw this quote that my darling eldest sister put on her facey page. i had to steal (sorry kyky x)

Hope is sweet-minded and sweet-eyed. 

It draws pictures; it weaves fancies; it fills the future with delight.

- Henry Ward Beecher

here's to a future filled with delight. a future with no regrets.

a future filled with love 

operation beautiful

so, i have a few websites that i just love going back to. most of them are fashion ones, or blogs, or crafty ones (felt, etsy, etc)...

but one that i really enjoy is Operation Beautiful
how inspiring. how uplifting.
this website, and now the books, has been encouraging young girls (and not so young girls) to search for true beauty, inner beauty, and to find it in themselves and each other.

i have always struggled with how i look. my weight fluctuates more than a puffer fish and i jolt abruptly between feeling okay about myself and feeling disgusted with how i look.

it is hard. to look in the mirror and find the beautiful parts instead of the flaws. we are our own worst critic.
today's society doesn't help. most of the fashion is designed with skinny (skeletal) girls in mind. the general public have become "sizist" and it's totally not cool.

i know it sounds lame and cliche, but true beauty does lie deeper than the skin. i just wish it was easier to get the message onto the record player, instead of having the same old negativity record stuck on replay.

i wish my hair was longer.
i wish my skin was clearer and more radiant
i wish i had blue eyes
i wish i was skinnier - ALL OVER
i wish i had less freckles and moles
i wish i had straighter and whiter teeth
i wish my fingers and toes looked less like sausages
i wish i didn't have "cankles"

that was too easy. that list took me just a few seconds to write. i bet if i tried to write that many things that i like about how i look, it would take me 10 times longer, at least.


Operation Beautiful not only posts pictures of inspiring messages, but also posts a 'post-it quote of the day", which are also positive thoughts which can help people who are feeling low, or suffering with depression.

“Love comes to those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed, to those who still love even though they’ve been hurt before.”

“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”

here are a few of my favourite recent post-it notes (all taken from here)

such a good one! and so relevant for me :)

YES!

my faves especially are: It's the size of your heart, 

not the size of your jeans - that makes you beautiful

and

Psst! Your inner beauty is showing

something i am still teaching myself

I have a CHOICE to feel the way i want

SO difficult - but SO important

You have to believe that for every mountain you face, there is a miracle to help you conquer it. Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes, courage is the little voice at the end of each day, saying: I will try again tomorrow.

whatever it is i battle with, and every day is different from the last, i must remember to tell myself this. I am me, and i am perfect - even though i may still be a "work in progress", there is no-one else who could be me better than me.

i mean the world to somebody.

i make someone else smile every day - even on days when i can't make myself smile.

i'm more than just 'alright'. i am unique. and i am beautiful.

there. i said it :)

and guess what?

YOU ARE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the buried life….

so, there have been a few days here in Vegesack where the weather has been less than ideal and i've found myself with nothing else to do but snuggle up in the hotel room with lollies, diet coke, and a movie from Rhys's harddrive. so much so that i ran out of movies i was actually interested in watching (his collection looks a lot different to what mine would look like).

i discovered a show on MTV website that i've been watching quite a bit over the last few days. The Buried Life. it's awesome. a group of canadian boys who wanted to live their life while they were alive. and wanted to prove that anything is possible if you really set your mind to it.
they created a list of the 100 things they want to do before they die. and they have a flipping blast crossing things off the list. it's a good watch, but also inspirational too. for every thing they cross off their list, they help someone else cross something off theirs. some moving moments.

it has made me think - crikey! i'm turning 30 in 2 years! yikes. have i done all the things that i had hoped i'd do? when i was younger, 30 seemed soooooo old and sooooooooo long away. i always thought i'd have a family by now and be well settled down. i've got the husband. but at the mo, that's as far as my little family unit goes. I have packed a lot into my 28 years, but are there things that i've wanted to do but never had the guts? haha..probably. i am possibly the world's biggest woose (i never know how to spell that word - just looked it up online. apparently you can write it woose, wuss, or wussy. there you go).

there are definitely things i want to do but never think i would actually go through with.
so, you know what i'm thinking?

i'm going to make a list of the 30 things i want to do before i turn 30.

#1 - perform in a stage musical
#2 - do a photography course
#3 - go sky-diving
#4 - start business with Kylie
#5 - go to New York
#6 - do a make-up course
#7 - go to the Melbourne Races
#8 - sell my first photograph - to someone i don't know :)
#9 - sit my Grade 8 piano exam
#10 - be off my meds completely
#11 - help build a home for Habitat for Humanity
#12 - have been to 30 concerts in my life (so far i've been to 6, sad huh?)
#13 - go skinny dipping
#14 - swim with sharks (well, at least cage diving anyway)
#15 - go scuba diving again (i haven't been for 6 years!)
#16 - learn french, enough to hold a decent conversation
#17 - compete in and finish a half marathon
#18 - write a letter to all the people in my life that i am close to, telling them what i appreciate about each    
       of them
#19 - learn a new sport
#20 - learn to surf (and NOT be scared of the sharks)
#21 - get back into dancing.  i will find a class and attend it - regularly.
#22 - lose 10kgs
#23 - have an overseas holiday with my 2 sisters
#24 - treat my bestie to something amazing (that she really needs)
#25 - set up an album where i take and print one picture every day - showing a highlight from that day
#26 - start writing a book
#27 - go on a Volunteer holiday with the hubby
#28 - be able to bait my own hook (this is one for the hubby, he'll be so please, haha)
#29 - donate $500 to a local charity
#30 - have a baby (or at least get pregnant by the time i'm 30)


so. that was harder than i thought it was going to be. writing a list of things i want to do before i die would have been a bit easier. but then, i guess, we never know when we're going to die.

i leave Germany tomorrow, land back in Aotearoa on Thursday. next week my 30 before 30 mission begins. who knows, if i achieve all of these things before 30, i might even keep going and lengthen my list to 100 things to do before i die.

we need to live our life while we are alive. otherwise what's the point?
get some direction. i've got mine now.


so…what is the one main thing you want to do before you die?