possible to be loved

it has been nearly a year since my last post.

what can i say, i've been busy.

i've been busy growing.
                       learning.
                       changing.
                       loving.

i've been busy living.

my move to china happened nearly 9 months ago now. it is so clear that this is definitely where i'm supposed to be.

right now, i am in the moment that, quite a while ago, i had hoped would come.
that 'one day everything will make sense' moment.

it's kind of exciting, i have to admit.


i'm not gonna lie and pretend that every day is easy now.
that i don't still have difficult days.
that the darkness doesn't still linger in the background.
that those harmful words spoken over me don't still play on my insecurities.

every day is not easy. but most of the days are.
i do still have difficult days, but they are few and far between - and now i have someone who gets it, gets me
and actually wants to support me on those days.
the darkness tries its hardest to take over again. but i am stronger now.
those words do still echo in the most remote corners of my mind,
but his loving words now scream louder


china not only brought me new direction, new purpose, new adventures.
it also brought me new love.
real love.
the kind that knows all your darkness, all your fears, all your insecurities, but chooses to stay.
the kind that works hard every day to show you your strengths, your possibilities, your light.
i never knew it could be so freeing. so uplifting. so amazing.

he is beyond incredible.
and i feel so incredibly blessed.

china has also brought another kind of love.
me love.

"i know i am enough.

possible to be loved.

it was not about me"

                              {katy perry}

no more focussing on who i was. or who i was perceived to be.
i now see who i am. who i can be.

i'm still learning, still growing.
still finding my way in some regards.
but i'm getting there.
and now, i know the way.


the only way is up.

no regrets. just love

2013

it's that time of year.
new years eve.
time for both reflection on the year that's passed, and looking forward to the year to come.

i don't believe in new years resolutions.
i believe in continually growing & challenging myself.....
             ....regardless of the date.


2012 has been an interesting year, to say the least.

a lot of growth....a lot of learning

quite possibly the most difficult year of my life.
but at the same time....possibly the most liberating & beneficial year.

yes, I still have a LONG way to go
yes, I will still have my bad days
yes, I still need to learn to love myself
yes, I still need to learn to trust again


but I am grateful for the things I have learned.
I am grateful for the people i've met.
i am proud of how far I have come
i accept my journey & embrace the growth that is still to come

2013 is going to be an exciting and, again, challenging year - but challenging in a positive way

for those who read my last post...you'll no doubt be wanting to know where my path leads next....



i can now make the 'announcement'

this little kiwi is spreading her wings again.
new places
new people
new learning
new adventures

i have accepted a position as Head of Nursery at an international school in China!!!!!!!
i can not contain my excitement!
i am so thankful for the amazing opportunity and it's definitely one that I wasn't going to pass up!

even though our paths may not take the direction we have planned...or imagined...or hoped

sometimes, the unchartered path, the unexpected changes, the so-called 'speed bumps' in life bring the most reward.

just sometimes, the 'spanner in the works' is actually the best thing that could've ever happened to you



it's not what happens to you that matters, but your response to it.

2013 is a year for living my life.

no regrets. just love
x

my life. a constant adventure.

So. It seems my life here in Sydney is a transient one.

For what I needed at the time......

          An escape from reality

          Something new to focus on

          New people and places

          New self discovery

                                  .....Sydney has been perfect

However, you can't run from your problems forever.

Some day you need to stop, turn around and face them head on. 

Smack.

Also...

Sometimes you need to stop trying to do everything on your own

Sometimes you need to surround yourself with your family and friends

Just sometimes, you need a lil bit of help

and I'm not too proud to admit that.

So my next step is to head back across the ditch...back to the homeland...back into those warm, welcoming and loving arms of those who know me best...

But, as with my whole life so far....

       ....that won't be for long either.

There's another adventure brewing. One that I am so excited about!

And after a lil more healing, and a little bit of mustard, I'll be totally ready to embrace it!

I am adamant that I won't let any amazing opportunity pass me by.

As always, I choose to live with no regrets.

Looking forward. Moving forward, no matter how slowly. 

All I need I courage!

After all....life is a journey, not a destination.

No regrets. Just love

my new mantra....

this photo was taken the same day as AJ's celebration service - some of her friends released blue balloons for her. i just love the pic (borrowed from the friend). added the quote.

this is what i need to continue to remember to do. just breathe. let go of the negative. let go of what i can't control. let go of the insecurities. let go of the doubts. let go of the past (well, the not-so-good parts anyway). just live my life. take a chance. who cares if i make the wrong decision? at least i made a decision! you never know if you don't try.

i have accepted a new job! woooo. excite. but also a little bit eeeek. nervous as heck. had a fleeting moment of worry - did i pick the right job? what if it's not the right one?

but that didn't last. i'm just going to run with the fact that i chose one. it's done. i can't unchange it (for now anyway). let's just see how it goes.

i've been going along to some therapy sessions with a psychologist (yes - that title did freak me out at first - am i really THAT screwed up?)
so far so good.
it almost feels like when i talk, as the words come out, i can let go of the hurt.
acknowledge the pain. then watch it fly away.
it's impossible to deny that talking does help. well, it does for me.
i guess it's just hearing that how i'm feeling is okay. i'm not crazy. i have a reason for feeling the way i do.

so now, i start my new job on tuesday! i'm super amped.
it's only 13 sleeps til the mister is back. can't wait to see my favourite person on the planet!
i just helped my niece get all ready for her dress up 'under the sea' day at kindy - as a mermaid.

life is good.

i'm living for today.
with hope for tomorrow.

no regrets. just love

new beginnings

well i promised an update, so here it is.

roughly 3 weeks ago, i resigned from my job. i didn't have another one lined up. just decided it was time to move on.

at first, i was a bit freaked out. no job = no money. even though my hubby has been supporting me, i still don't like not being able to earn my own money.

at first, i spent a lot of time thinking about that door that i just shut. was it the right thing to do? will i find another job? i'm going to miss the children so much!

but then i realised. the longer you spend looking at the door that has shut, the less likely you will be to see the other door that is opening for you.

i decided to move my focus away from the shut door of the old job.
that was a chapter in my life. an important chapter, and one that i have enjoyed, mostly.
but sometimes change is good.
new beginnings are important to stop ourselves getting stale and unchallenged.

i have been focusing my attention on the exciting future that i can now create for myself. a new job...one that i can choose and have the luxury {thanks to the amazing hubby} of not having to rush into.

i have been enjoying the time to get back to me over the past few weeks. rediscovering what i enjoy. what i value. what i have been missing in my life lately.
sure, the extra time has also meant that i have been missing the hubby a lot more than usual, but i just tell myself that i am lucky to have a hubby to miss. and missing him means that i love him. and that's a good thing :)

i have had more time to spend with friends, family, myself.

i have done a little bit of photography too, which i haven't done for a while.

today was a beautiful day and i had the delightful pleasure of taking some photos for a gorgeous little family who wanted to celebrate the life of their son. an outdoor venue was chosen {a gorgeous park that i used to frequent a lot as a little girl with my Gran}

here are a few shots that i snapped of the beautiful surroundings in between shots of the family {totally unedited, btw}

so, you can see the stunning crisp autumn {nearly winter} day that it was!


so this post is all about having no regrets. life is too short to stay in a job that isn't right for you. life is too short to stay indoors just because it's a little bit chilly. life is just too short for regrets full stop.

here's to the future. although uncertain as to what it brings for me, i'm excited.
bring it on!

2011 baby!

flip. it's the first day of 2011.....where has the last year gone? feels like only yesterday i was just beginning my meds and dealing with the various 'joys' of battling with depression.

2010 turned out to be a great year. well, the 2nd half did anyway. so i am planning on continuing the good run right on into twenty-eleven, and have high hopes for the delightfulness that will be my journey this year. bring on the beauty. bring on the discovery. bring on the fun. bring on the love. bring on the LIFE!

amped much? yep. actually i am.


yesterday i picked up the pics that i snapped on my little mate 'Pomme'....
well, haha. not sure if i even want to share these with the world, as i'm not sure i'm altogether proud of them. but, definitely a learning curve! i'm not sure what went wrong with some of them...too much light from one side? i know what went wrong with some (note the pics where you can see my finger at the side! my bad).
i'm looking forward to grabbing another film tho and having another go. mistakes are made so we can learn from them. hopefully.

here are some of the better pics, and some of the ones that could've been awesome with the 'mistakes'.