possible to be loved

it has been nearly a year since my last post.

what can i say, i've been busy.

i've been busy growing.
                       learning.
                       changing.
                       loving.

i've been busy living.

my move to china happened nearly 9 months ago now. it is so clear that this is definitely where i'm supposed to be.

right now, i am in the moment that, quite a while ago, i had hoped would come.
that 'one day everything will make sense' moment.

it's kind of exciting, i have to admit.


i'm not gonna lie and pretend that every day is easy now.
that i don't still have difficult days.
that the darkness doesn't still linger in the background.
that those harmful words spoken over me don't still play on my insecurities.

every day is not easy. but most of the days are.
i do still have difficult days, but they are few and far between - and now i have someone who gets it, gets me
and actually wants to support me on those days.
the darkness tries its hardest to take over again. but i am stronger now.
those words do still echo in the most remote corners of my mind,
but his loving words now scream louder


china not only brought me new direction, new purpose, new adventures.
it also brought me new love.
real love.
the kind that knows all your darkness, all your fears, all your insecurities, but chooses to stay.
the kind that works hard every day to show you your strengths, your possibilities, your light.
i never knew it could be so freeing. so uplifting. so amazing.

he is beyond incredible.
and i feel so incredibly blessed.

china has also brought another kind of love.
me love.

"i know i am enough.

possible to be loved.

it was not about me"

                              {katy perry}

no more focussing on who i was. or who i was perceived to be.
i now see who i am. who i can be.

i'm still learning, still growing.
still finding my way in some regards.
but i'm getting there.
and now, i know the way.


the only way is up.

no regrets. just love

visual delights

while you are waiting {and waiting, and waiting} for my next proper post....enjoy these little delights. eye candy. the deliciousness that is my niece and nephews.

LOVE the look of absolute excitement on his face as he open his treasure chest birthday present :)

creative juices flowing

the little munchkin.

cheesy ballerina..

these little angels teach me every day about finding joy in everything. finding delight in the little things. letting my imagination go wild and living life. 

love you cheebies. xxx

through the eyes of a child...

this afternoon the sun decided to show it's face for a little while.

so i decided to get out of the house and go for a walk. but i wanted company. so my gorgeous little niece came with. she's 3. she's absolutely adorable.

we were gone for such a long time, because Noelle wanted to just keep on walking. the delight that she got from even just the little things that we found along the way was refreshing.

a praying mantis.

builders building a house

hearing a bird singing (which she mimicked in a sing-song voice "Good morning! How are you today? I'm fine, thank you. And you?)

watching the clouds in the sky (one of which she was sure was following her - "Maybe it wants to be my friend")

we went to the park. standard kid stuff. swing. see-saw. 

then the lake. to find the ducks (but there weren't any. Noelle's response? "oh well, maybe we come back tomorrow with some bread and they'll be there")

as we were walking we saw a HUGE flight of steps going up to the top of the hill. After we had already had a conversation about clouds, Noelle decided that she needed to be taller so she could touch the clouds. She decided that walking up the steps was how she would reach them.

"please, Rachel, we walk up the steps now?" are you sure? i asked, not actually very keen on walking all the way up and then having to come all the way down again. "Yes, sure!" she said excitedly.

so off we went. counting the steps as we went. we got half way. 

me: are you tired yet? do you want to go back down?

Noelle: no! we not at the top yet! we got to go up there to touch the clouds

we did make it in the end. all the way to the top. and what a view! we could see all the places we had just walked to, and the colours were beautiful. we couldn't quite touch the clouds, but noelle didn't seem to mind. she was happy that she was closer to them than before. and she enjoyed the view too. we talked about clouds for ages, and everything else we could see. we talked about how clouds can sometimes look like different things, and have different colours in them, like when the sun is setting. Noelle saw one that she was adamant looked like a caterpillar. i couldn't quite see it, but maybe i wasn't looking hard enough :)

walking with noelle today was lovely. not only to get out and get some fresh air and clear my head, but just watching the joy she found in the smallest things. it reminded me of me when i was little. every discovery was a major deal. every little outing was fun. every experience was a time to learn more and delight in.

what's happened? why do i not see life like that anymore? why is it that i forget that the little things i do everyday are important. the little short visits i have with people are valuable. the sights around me are beautiful. why have i let myself get so busy, and so caught up in what i think i should doing, or what people want me to do, that i have forgotten to just live life and enjoy it. 

i want to have the heart of a child again. i want to have the fresh view of the world - like every day i will discover something new, and everything is exciting. 

i had a bit of fun and googled 'clouds that look like things'....some funny results.

i'll share a few of my faves with you

i will remember to look up, and see the interesting shapes i can see in the clouds...and i will remember to take delight in the little things i do, and the beautiful things around me.

thanks Noelle. it seems i am getting a lot of insight into how to live life from people much younger than me lately. i'm not too proud to say it. i'm not too proud to learn life lessons from my 3 year old niece. or my friend's 19 year old sister.

you live and learn, everyday