You know those moments where you have a sudden revelation?
An "a-ha" moment?
That moment when the lightbulb flicks on and something that you've really known all along is suddenly impossible to deny anymore?
I had one of those moments today.
A harsh reality, but an important one nonetheless.
It's something I've really known for a long time - but i had just never seen it so plainly before.
It was in black and white. Right in front of my face....
In a book I was reading for work.
The book was 'Time to Think', written by Nancy Kline.
Nothing really to do with my situation, really....which is why this jumped out and smacked me in the face so much
The book talks about creating a Thinking Environment and how your actions and abilities to listen to someone can actually improve their thinking skills.
One chapter talked about what to look out for - what NOT to do.
Then I saw it.
Co-dependent.
As in someone who is an addict - or in a relationship that feeds someone's addiction.
The excerpt I am going to write pretty much sums up my so-called marriage.
This isn't easy to admit.
"But co-dependants are everywhere, not just in the lives of active addicts.
You are co-dependent if:
- you feel that you are dying (literally) if the person is mad with you
- you feel joy only when the other person is happy and are sad the minute they feel sad
- you ask them what THEY think in order to know what YOU think
- you lie to keep them pleased
- you do not know you exist apart from them
- you exist in a pool of anxiety when you haven't heard from them
- you are most happy obeying, most uncomfortable thinking for yourself"
Wow.
I can honestly say that I answered yes to every single one of those points in relation to how I used to feel about my relationship with my ex.
I was scared of him
I was scared of upsetting him and making him mad
I was scared to tell him how I felt or what I wanted because it never really was important
I was scared of being on my own because I didn't know who I was anymore without him
Anyone who knew me before I got married will agree.....I slowly lost more and more of who I was the longer I was in that relationship
It was unhealthy.
It was destructive
It was slowly killing me
But I allowed it.
I enabled it
I didn't stand up to it or him
I was co-dependent.
There. I said it.
But now I am free.
And today, the revelation came to me.....stronger than it has ever before.
I am FREE!
free from that constant fear
Free from living my life with someone else's ideas, feelings, thoughts
Free from having one person have so much control over my life.
Words can not express how amazing that realisation is.
How truly deeply grateful I am.
I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am free to be ME
And I am never going to be a co-dependent
EVER AGAIN!
I guess I just made my new years resolution :)
no regrets. just love
