"small bump"

So.

Today has been a day of highs and lows.

The weather has been been beautiful, although a lil cold, here in Sydney. I got out for a walk around the bay near where I live and soaked up some delicious sunshine and inhaled the 'fresh' air.

I had a great skype convo with someone I'm missing badly right now...a convo that made me smile. a LOT

and then, i settled in for a lazy sunday avo watching some tele....and internetting.

I came across this blog from ZMs Polly. I was tempted not to read it, as I had an idea it would stir up emotions inside me I didn't want to feel...but I read it anyway

of course....emotions welled.
everything she said is true. it doesn't matter how far along you are, having a miscarriage is devastating.

what also stirred a different emotion in me was reading about how supportive her husband Grant was during her experiences. how he grieved with her. it wasn't just her going through the journey alone.

I think I realised, that my miscarriage was when my depression really hit me. Not only was I struggling with all the emotions and questions that come with 'losing' a baby, and all those dreams being shattered. But I was also trying to deal with it alone...without the support of my partner. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realise that he actually just never even cared.
That realisation hurts.

For those who don't already know, the changes that have happened for me over the past few months have been relating to my marriage. it ended at Christmas last year. he decided we were better off as 2 individuals, not husband and wife anymore.
One of the comments that people often make when they find out (and when they find out, or if they already know, about my miscarriage) is "well, just as well you don't have any kids together"

Is it really? yes, I know that separation and divorce when kids are involved CAN be messy and can be difficult, but does that outweigh the fact that the only thing I've ever wanted in life is to be a mummy? the fact that I still miss that precious baby that never made it. that I still notice something missing in my life?

i know that miscarriage is a common experience for most women in their lives. but that doesn't make it hurt less.
i know that marriage breakdown is also (very sadly) a common experience for a lot of people in this day and age. but that doesn't make it hurt less.

everyone's journey is their own. this is a part of mine.

all i know is you have to learn from your experiences.
so what can i learn from this?
well, i can't decide whether or not the next baby i conceive will make it into this world.
but i can decide one thing:
the next person i choose to be with is going to be someone who i know will support me through anything. someone who will journey through the experience with me. someone who will not leave me to deal with it on my own.

that i CAN choose.

no regrets. just love

fear of failing & lessons from a 19 year old

wow. what a roller-coaster journey life has been recently.
one day, everything's perfect. life is good and you are truly happy.
the next, everything's different.

i don't know what it is (well, actually I do - it's a nasty thing called Depression) but i have this intense fear of failing. the last thing i want to do is let anybody down, no matter what the cost.
usually, the cost is my own health and sense of well-being.

this is the hardest thing for me. learning to be selfish. saying no to people when i can't do things.
the real me is a people pleaser. and i don't want to change that. because seeing others happy does make me happy. it's just temporary until i end up burnt out.
the real me is someone who is there for her friends and family when they really need her. and i don't want to change that either.

i think what i need to learn to do is find a good balance - time for me, and time for others.
i also need to be aware of how much of others' problems that i take onboard. because i do. if i'm involved in someone else's problems - it's never easy to walk away from it. i continue to dwell on the issue even when i'm not around them. i really take the full weight of the problem on my shoulders.
maybe that's why my back and neck are so munted. (wow. a little joke. ha)

i've been ordered by the doc to have at least 2 weeks off work. hmmmm.
as much as i know that he is probably right and i need some time for me, i can't help but feel that not being at work is meaning that i'm letting my boss down, the other teachers and the children down too. i know that may is a busy month for us with a few teachers away.... this doesn't help me feel less of a failure. it makes me feel completely useless.
but i know that if i don't do as i'm told, i'll end up even more useless later on - and the children deserve me at my best. i don't want to give them anything less than 100%

depression is such a difficult thing - because i KNOW there are people going through seriously difficult situations right now, who have a reason to be struggling with life. then there's me. i don't have any reason to be the way i am. no reason for crumpling into a crying mess at the drop of a hat. i have a lot to be thankful for, and i know that. it's just telling the depression that.

anyway. i also wanted to write about some things i have learned over the last week. things that my friend's 19 year old sister has taught me.
1) LIVE YOUR LIFE EVERYDAY
not everyone actually lives their life to the full, everyday. she did. i should.
2) FORGIVE EASILY
people are going to hurt you throughout your life. people hurt her. she forgave them.
holding a grudge and resenting others only really makes you bitter and unhappy.
people are truly only human. none of us are perfect - we all make mistakes.
3) LAUGH OFTEN
life is too short to be taken so seriously. laughter is the best medicine, and it's amazing how good you feel after a good, genuine chuckle.
4) LOVE MUCH
AJ loved all people. no judgement. accepting all differences. this is not easy to do.
nobody is less than anyone else, and therefore everyone deserves to be treated equally. with respect. with love. with compassion. and with acceptance. this is something i am going to try and do better at.

it is amazing how much she packed into her short 19 years. and it is humbling how much she had to share with and teach others. a truly inspiring young woman. thank you, AJ, for what you taught me. your smile, joy and love will be forever missed.

road to nowhere?

after yesterday's blog being so positive...i have to admit, today is completely different.

i'm feeling very lonely today. very alone. 

i know i'm on a journey, one that may take a while...

but sometimes i wonder just where this road is taking me?

it feels like i'm on a road to nowhere....sometimes.

like i take one step forward, then 2 gigantic steps backwards.

(photo taken at Pineda de Mar in Spain)

one day, hopefully, i will reach the end of the road...or at least start out on a new, better journey.

what it means to me....

depression can mean different things to different people.

to me, depression is an evil. a killer.
it kills hope. love. beauty. laughter. joy. faith. and vision.
all things that are vital to a healthy and successful life.

depression kills your ability to trust.
in yourself. in others. in the world.

depression kills relationships.
even the ones you thought were the strongest.

depression kills humour.
things you once found hilarious don't seem so funny any more.

depression kills understanding.
it seems you become lost in translation. even with those you are closest to.

have you ever had a moment in time where you feel like you are screaming at the top of your lungs, in a crowded room, and no-one even stops to look up at you?
or a moment when you feel like you're buried alive, and you're banging on the coffin, but the people keep on shoveling the dirt on top of you?
or a moment when you are under water, scrambling for the sunlight at the surface, but an invisible force is holding your foot so you don't get anywhere?
or a moment, in a dream, where you are running away from a monster, but you are running on soft sand, against a strong wind so you can't run fast, and the monster is gaining on you?

to me, all of those moments are what having depression is like, for a major chunk of the time.
sometimes, the feelings just become so intense, you can't see an end to them. you can't find a solution. and sometimes, you can't even remember the reason for their existence.

all you know, in that moment, is that excruciatingly overwhelming sense of emotion - usually sadness or insecurity or doubt. there is nothing else. no voice of reason or truth or light.
just the voice of the killer, spreading its evil through your thoughts.

depression kills confidence.
to yourself, you are the least exciting person, with the least amount to offer.

depression kills control.
you no longer have control over your emotional reactions, and your interpretations become skewed.

there are times, in extreme cases, where depression kills life.
sometimes, the extremity of the emotions become too much.
sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is never reached.
for those people, i feel sadness.
it hurts me to think of the loneliness, emptiness, and hopelessness they must have felt during that dark moment when depression got the better of them.
that's why i find it so difficult when others talk about people who take their own lives as being 'selfish'.
i understand both sides of the argument, and agree, in part, with them both.
for the family and loved ones left behind, the hurt and pain of not knowing why, will never subside. the loss they feel, and possibly the guilt of not having known or being able to help, will live on with them.

having nearly been in a place of absolute darkness, i understand the desire to end the emotional overload. to end the feeling of failure. to end the feeling of sadness. to end the hurt and to quiet the evil voices in your head.
however, i'm not saying that i agree it is the right thing to do.

i am so thankful that i was pulled back from that place. i am so thankful that i am still here. even though, some days are hard and i wonder if it would've made that much of a difference to everyone else....
but i have hope again now. and i have joy.
yes, i still have sadness. and yes i still struggle with feelings of failure, inadequacy, and darkness.
but there is some light. and i intend to hold on to that light.

i know that there are people around me who would've missed me if i wasn't here. i know that, to them, i mean everything. and that makes the battle worth it.

i am thankful that i never completely lost the fight.
for me, from now on, depression is a LOSER.
you've already lost the battle, big D. I am still here. and i am still smiling.
i still see beauty in the world, and i still find joy.
what's even better, i am still learning so much about myself.
every day brings new enlightenment.
new enlightenment brings new empowerment.

one day, i am sure, i will be triumphant. i will be the WINNER.
i can't wait for that day.
i'm going to have the biggest, most funnest party ever!!!!

p.s. you're all invited :)

why me?

there are times when i wonder why i have depression.
am i being punished for something?
was i too happy before?
or was i too ungrateful for the blessings i had.


other times i remind myself that it is often the most amazing minds and the most gentlest spirits who are affected by depression. i read somewhere once (sorry i can't give credit where it's due) that depression usually hits the least deserving people - that it's usually the most amazing people who are 'cursed' with this monster.


but most of the time i am somewhere in between. i think life is harder these days. it's not just because i've grown up and have to face 'grown up' issues. it's also the way society has changed. i mean, i realise that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain - and therefore is not purely environmental - but i do believe that there can be contributors and stressors that make a person more susceptible to it. i think that's what has happened to me. life.
i think i have become so consumed by the various events throughout my life, that i have forgotten to enjoy it. i need to start enjoying my life, otherwise i will wake up one day to find that it is over.

i know that i made so much progress recently. i started to believe in beauty again. i am not going to give up. just because i've had a 'bad day'.
my personal short term mission now is to force myself to find one thing that i am grateful for every day. one thing that i can say "today was a good day because....."
if i do not write one thing everyday, i want you, my 'followers', to hound me. ask me. what was i grateful for today?

after my last entry (the big, emotional one) i had a few replies - some public, some private. i want to thank you, so sincerely and deeply for your encouragement and support. it is nice to know that even though i feel alone in this struggle (because, ultimately, it is a personal struggle), there are people who are thinking of me, and hoping for me to find beauty and joy again.

sometimes, i have to admit (and apologise for), i find myself feeling a twinge of jealousy as i observe my wonderful friends live their lives, finding amazing jobs, enjoying life with their partners (some with children), discovering their passions and their purpose in life. especially my friends who i have seen go through struggles of their own....now to see them flourishing - it makes me happy, but also a tiny weeny bit sad that it's not me. i am proud of them, nonetheless, for conquering their obstacles and not giving up. i know they deserve all the happiness, joy and beauty they have now.

the reason i want to thank those of you who take the time to comment on my blog, is because - through your feedback - i am beginning to feel a sense of purpose for myself. this blog, that started out as being an outlet for me (because i was too lazy to write in a normal diary), is now becoming an empowering place for me, where i feel that what i have to write is important. that maybe, what i have to say will have an impact on someone else, some day. that maybe, just maybe, i have been 'cursed with a blessing'.

if WHEN i break the chains of depression and rid my life of this overwhelming sadness, i will use my experience to help others. i will never forget this journey and this struggle, and i will make some good of it.

no man is an island. and no matter how much of a 'personal struggle' depression is, it always helps to know that you actually aren't alone. it is always helpful to know that someone else has been there - and has made it through the other side. it always helps to know that someone believes in you, and that they can see the light that still shines, somewhere buried deep inside your darkness.

pressure to be....

lately i have been struggling with a 'pressure to be'.....

it's hard to make sense of it. but basically i have been feeling pressures from all places to be somewhere or something for someone else. i know that a lot of those times, i have been needed. other times, it's just me and my fear of letting someone else down. but right now, i am feeling exhausted. i feel like i have been everything to everyone else, and i have been neglecting ME.

one of my very wise friends said "how can you do something else for someone else when you're burnt out?"
i tried to take a day for me. and all i managed was a couple of hours. but at least that's a start.
writing here is also time for me. i haven't been on here for a while, and i think it's because i've been avoiding the words flying around in my head.

i have had to deal with a lot of unpleasant reality in the last couple of weeks. a death in the family. sudden and very sad circumstances. now, i have lost some of the beauty i had begun to build up in my world again.
now i am left with an overwhelming feeling that i will never get there. i will never have complete beauty and happiness again. i think it's sometimes possibly true because of the fact that anytime i am faced with true beauty or true happiness, usually seen in other people, i am unable to cope with it and i end up a crumpled crying mess.

i think i am feeling a lot of self-pity right now. i have lost all motivation to better my world. i feel that i have tried so hard and really believed that i was getting somewhere, only to have it fall down around me.
am i doing something wrong? am i still keeping up invisible walls without meaning to? am i just incapable of feeling true and deep happiness?
or am i just really really tired and will everything be better after the christmas holidays?

i do know that i miss my mister. a lot. and i just want our life to begin properly already. i am ready for the next stage. i am ready for a home to call our own. our own space - space where i can be creative and express my inner voice. space where i can be comfortable enough to truly be myself...in all my messiness :p
i am ready for and desperately needing consistency in my time with him. i just want to be with him. all the time. i want to wake up and know that he will be next to me. i get lonely waking up on my own too often.
i know that it is not advised when you have depression to really try and have a baby, but i honestly think that i am ready for that too. i am my happiest when i am around my niece and nephew - the joy they bring me is so indescribable, and i eagerly anticipate the love and joy that i know i will feel when i have my own cherubs.

i have also been battling with comments from others regarding depression. i remind myself not to get upset or angry at the person specifically, because i know that no-one can truly understand the grips of depression unless they have been there personally. but it gets frustrating when some people just refuse to even try and understand. it is more like an ignorance. an intolerance. and it frustrates me. if i could just 'snap out of it', i would. TRUST ME! this is not some fairground ride that i enjoy, and that i would wish to take again. if i had a choice, i would not choose depression. FOR ANYBODY.

this blog is now also a mission for me to continue to raise awareness of the illness....to help others who battle with depression to be heard - to express their experiences and feelings without fear of discrimination or judgement.

so. today's blog, my first in a long time, has been a heavy and emotion-filled one. i'm sorry for that. but i needed to clear my mind and get these oppressive thoughts down.
i am tired of being this 'version' of me. i don't like who i am right now. i am ready for the new and improved.


This. Is. Not. Who. I. Am.

the past...

so. we all know that we can't change the past. 

we have to just do the best we can to deal with it, and leave it behind.

sometimes, though, no matter how well you think you've dealt with something - there it is again *BAM* and it's smacked you on the side of the head again.

it's not so much the past that gives you a whack. but the stab you feel when you realize that, just maybe, you haven't dealt with it completely. that whack causes cracks…then you start to doubt that you've actually really left it in the past.

this was me, yesterday. just one word is all it took. *BAM* there i was - practically K.O'd by it. shook me for a minute. then i snapped out of it. it wasn't until later, when i was lying awake in bed, that i reevaluated the knock. what is wrong with me?!?!?!? deal with it, rachel, and let it go! 

i don't know if it's my lack of self-esteem at the moment that causes me to feel this way. or maybe it's the depression that makes my mind keep on revisiting the hurt. maybe i don't want to forget, so that it will never happen again.

all i know is, that this is one aspect that is top of my list of battles. i WILL deal with it. and i WILL leave it behind. i WILL be stronger because of it. and i WILL be better because of it, somehow. hard to believe at times, and hard to understand just how that is supposed to happen, when my mind is still clouded with lurking darkness. somewhere, in that darkness, there has to be some light. there has to be some of the me left who wouldn't even let this bother her. the me that wouldn't even flinch at the punch just thrown at her. the me that would've just got up and punched the past right back in the face.

i refuse to let the past dictate my future. i refuse to be limited to this feeling of weakness. i am better than that. now, i just have to believe it myself.

wow. that was some deep stuff. good to get it down though - stop it from swirling around in my head.

on a lighter note. i have rediscovered  picnik - a website that i started using aaaages ago and never really got into. duh! what was wrong with me?! haha. it's awesome. i love the effects i can do with my pics. a lot of the time, these days, it's all in the editing that makes great photos. i personally love this pic. not to brag or anything.

anyway, off for some socializing. put on a happy face :)

thought for today

i am not depressed.
it doesn't own me.
it doesn't make me who i am


i have depression.
there's a difference.



it just sucks that it's such a crappy thing to have.
would rather just have a cold. or a headache.


today, i will focus on seeing the positive in every situation. instead of always finding the negative and feeling like i've failed.

first ever blog post

hey. so this is my first blog post ever. weird. but good.

this blog is dedicated to finding beauty in the world again. after a year of suffering with depression, i've decided I need some extra motivation - and a place to work through things. who knows, maybe I could even help someone else?

this is a space for dream words. love words. made up words, flying words, fall down and get up words. i want to get to know the sound of my inner voice. i want to be creative. i want to be generous. i want to be bold.

after all. "life is not about finding yourself. life is about creating yourself" - George Bernard Shaw.

welcome to my journey. no regrets. just love.

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