possible to be loved

it has been nearly a year since my last post.

what can i say, i've been busy.

i've been busy growing.
                       learning.
                       changing.
                       loving.

i've been busy living.

my move to china happened nearly 9 months ago now. it is so clear that this is definitely where i'm supposed to be.

right now, i am in the moment that, quite a while ago, i had hoped would come.
that 'one day everything will make sense' moment.

it's kind of exciting, i have to admit.


i'm not gonna lie and pretend that every day is easy now.
that i don't still have difficult days.
that the darkness doesn't still linger in the background.
that those harmful words spoken over me don't still play on my insecurities.

every day is not easy. but most of the days are.
i do still have difficult days, but they are few and far between - and now i have someone who gets it, gets me
and actually wants to support me on those days.
the darkness tries its hardest to take over again. but i am stronger now.
those words do still echo in the most remote corners of my mind,
but his loving words now scream louder


china not only brought me new direction, new purpose, new adventures.
it also brought me new love.
real love.
the kind that knows all your darkness, all your fears, all your insecurities, but chooses to stay.
the kind that works hard every day to show you your strengths, your possibilities, your light.
i never knew it could be so freeing. so uplifting. so amazing.

he is beyond incredible.
and i feel so incredibly blessed.

china has also brought another kind of love.
me love.

"i know i am enough.

possible to be loved.

it was not about me"

                              {katy perry}

no more focussing on who i was. or who i was perceived to be.
i now see who i am. who i can be.

i'm still learning, still growing.
still finding my way in some regards.
but i'm getting there.
and now, i know the way.


the only way is up.

no regrets. just love

30 things

So....
many, many posts ago, in what seems now like an alternate universe, I wrote a list of 30 things to do before I turned 30


I failed, so absolutely miserably, that I've decided to scrap that list and write a new one

I don't want to focus on what should've happened in the last 30 years, but didn't.
I don't want to focus on what didn't happen in the last 30 years that should've.

this list will be different.
It can't possibly be titled '30 things to do before I'm 30'

I'm 30 tomorrow.


So this time, it's 30 things that I'm going to do now that I'm (nearly) 30

Kind of like a challenge to myself to make the next chapter of my life the best ever
A list of things to remind myself how I want to live my life
A list of ways I can make the lives of others around me better too


1) I am going to be more thankful. Every day
2) I am going to leave each person I come into contact with better than when I found them....even if just by a smile or a small compliment
3) i will forgive others more
4) i will be more passionate about everything I do
5) I will pay attention and enjoy my life as it happens
6) I will grow stronger everyday
7) I will have more confidence
8) I will speak louder, especially if speaking up for something I believe in
9) I will start conversations with random people (e.g. At airports)
10) I will live with less expectations - I will just let it be
11) I will learn to say 'no' more. But at the same time, I will learn to say 'yes' more too
12) I will empower myself to change what I can, and let go of the rest
13) I WILL declutter and keep my environment tidy
14) I will focus on the positives more, including mine
15) I will accept invitations to go out more with friends
16) I will love myself more!
17) I will pay attention to how I talk to myself....no more put-downs, no more self-sabotage
18) I will drink more water
19) I will take more photos {is that possible, you say?}
20) I will make sure people know that I am happy to see them
21) im going to spend less on things, and spend more on experiences/people
22) I will travel to new places and meet new people
23) I will learn a new language {looks like Mandarin Chinese is up there on the list}
24) Im going to write more handwritten letters
25) I'm going to do more random acts of kindness
26) I'm going to stop taking things so personally
27) I'm going to take more time to observe my surroundings. Take just one more look. For just one more second.
28) I'm going to stop basing my worth on other peoples actions
29) I'm going to give more to others - time, money, whatever
30) I will love others more, even those who hurt me or disappoint me. We're all human. We all make mistakes. And we all need love.

Wow, that was actually quite hard.


Not long to go. The clock is counting down the hours.
Soon I will enter into what is going to be {I'm claiming it!!!!!!!} the best decade of my life!

I'm super excited.
I'm going to live my life. Each and every day.
I'm going to make a difference in other peoples lives, somehow.

This is it.

no regrets. just love

the future...

a blog response to yesterday's blog.
a conversation with myself. yes. but important.


so yesterday i was a bit upset about the past coming back to haunt me. i let that take over my mind for a bit.
my bad.

after heading out for some fun and mingling with the mister and his 'friends', i felt a lot better.
this morning, i woke up and decided to force myself to focus on something different.
the future.
the past is done. it's over. it's goneburger.
ain't nothing i can do to change it or the way i dealt with stuff before.

all i can do is look forward. look at how to deal with my emotions now and in the future. work on how to handle tricky situations that may arise. re-learn how to throw that punch back.

right now, i have a lot to be thankful for.
yes, i still have times when i feel ripped off, like i pulled the short straw, like life is a struggle.
but if i really look at my life, it's not all that bad.

i have a husband who loves me and wants me in his life.
i have a family who are always there for me no matter what. and who i actually enjoy spending time with.
i have the CUTEST and most precious niece and nephew who i simply adore.
i am currently in Germany experiencing something new.
i have been given so many opportunities to travel and broaden my horizons. some of those opportunities i had to work hard for. others i have been blessed with by various people in my life.
i have amazing friends. lots of friends i don't keep in regular contact with, but i know will always be 'just like old times' when we catch up. other friends i consider my closest ones - the ones who truly know me and still love me anyway. the ones i can be myself with - and i actually have a blast. with them, being me is actually enough. you know who you are.
i may not be the prettiest or the skinniest specimen out there, but at least i have eyes to see the beauty in the world. i have legs to take me places. i have ears to hear the sounds around me - some wonderful, some super annoying, but sounds nonetheless.
i have a heart that is open. sometimes too open, and that's how i get hurt. but it's open. and i wouldn't have it any other way. i have compassion for others. i have tolerance for others. and i know that's a good thing in a world of hate and racism and intolerance. i have love to give.

so. yeah. life isn't that bad. in fact, today, i would even venture as far as to say that life is good.
today, life is good.
tomorrow, if i stay focused and positive, life will be even better.


i'm off to Bremen today, to explore something new with some of the girls from the boat. new people. new sights.
this is me - waaaaaaaaaay out of my comfort zone.
exciting.
life.
let's do this.

life

life is about making lots of mistakes.

and death is about wishing you'd made a whole lot more.

first ever blog post

hey. so this is my first blog post ever. weird. but good.

this blog is dedicated to finding beauty in the world again. after a year of suffering with depression, i've decided I need some extra motivation - and a place to work through things. who knows, maybe I could even help someone else?

this is a space for dream words. love words. made up words, flying words, fall down and get up words. i want to get to know the sound of my inner voice. i want to be creative. i want to be generous. i want to be bold.

after all. "life is not about finding yourself. life is about creating yourself" - George Bernard Shaw.

welcome to my journey. no regrets. just love.

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