possible to be loved

it has been nearly a year since my last post.

what can i say, i've been busy.

i've been busy growing.
                       learning.
                       changing.
                       loving.

i've been busy living.

my move to china happened nearly 9 months ago now. it is so clear that this is definitely where i'm supposed to be.

right now, i am in the moment that, quite a while ago, i had hoped would come.
that 'one day everything will make sense' moment.

it's kind of exciting, i have to admit.


i'm not gonna lie and pretend that every day is easy now.
that i don't still have difficult days.
that the darkness doesn't still linger in the background.
that those harmful words spoken over me don't still play on my insecurities.

every day is not easy. but most of the days are.
i do still have difficult days, but they are few and far between - and now i have someone who gets it, gets me
and actually wants to support me on those days.
the darkness tries its hardest to take over again. but i am stronger now.
those words do still echo in the most remote corners of my mind,
but his loving words now scream louder


china not only brought me new direction, new purpose, new adventures.
it also brought me new love.
real love.
the kind that knows all your darkness, all your fears, all your insecurities, but chooses to stay.
the kind that works hard every day to show you your strengths, your possibilities, your light.
i never knew it could be so freeing. so uplifting. so amazing.

he is beyond incredible.
and i feel so incredibly blessed.

china has also brought another kind of love.
me love.

"i know i am enough.

possible to be loved.

it was not about me"

                              {katy perry}

no more focussing on who i was. or who i was perceived to be.
i now see who i am. who i can be.

i'm still learning, still growing.
still finding my way in some regards.
but i'm getting there.
and now, i know the way.


the only way is up.

no regrets. just love

the hardest thing to do....

another new chapter in my life begins.

i am home.
literally.

living back home with the parentals.
in my home town.

it feels good
but it's also a bit scary

                   ....there are lots of 'demons' to face being back here again.


something that has been weighing on my mind lately is why good things always seem to happen to bad people.

yet good people seem to get continuously crapped on



i'm not purely bleating away about my own problems here. although, sometimes - i'll admit it - i definitely think it.
i wonder 'am i really such a bad person that this bad stuff keeps happening to me?'

but then i remind myself that i have a LOT to be thankful for.
things to look forward to.
i remind myself, again and again, i am FREE to be ME - and that in itself is a blessing!

this 'good people get crapped on' thing happens all around me. daily.

it doesn't seem fair to watch people who are knowingly 'rotten eggs' seem to get everything they've ever wanted.
be successful.
find love.
find their form of happiness - no matter how shallow it is or who they've had to hurt to get it.

yet people who just ooze goodness and are a gift to all those they come into contact with, seem to get hammered with bad news, tough times, not getting what they want/need or getting what they don't want, and just all round general crap.


there are plenty of bad people who seem to have it all.
and it frustrates the s*%# out of me.



when i turned 30, i wrote a list of 30 things i wanted to do and be in my life from now on.
number 30 was this:
                              30) I will love others more, even those who hurt me or disappoint me.

since coming back home, that last one has been smacking me in the face daily.
it is a really hard thing to do.

there are days when i wonder why i should?
why do they deserve it if they can't treat me well?
why should i wish them well in their life?
why should i waste my love on them?

the answer is simple.

it's not about them!
i shouldn't waste my energy on negative thoughts or hate towards them.
holding on to hurt and anger only affects one person.
me.
and i am too precious and too awesome and too full of love and hope to be weighed down with anger.

yes, loving someone who hurts you is fully hard!
but wishing well for those who hurt you shows your strong character and spirit.
you will not be broken.
i will not be broken.


there are plenty of days when i feel i can't love those who have hurt me
but then i stop and think...
actually,
i can

loving others is just another way to build your own happiness.
having hate or anger or hurt just clutters up what space there is for your smiles
i am no longer pinning my happiness on others.
how they treat me now or how they treated me in the future.
only one person can truly determine your happiness.
and that's yourself
it's your decision, every morning, to wake up and say
today is a good day,
and i am going to be happy!!!

no regrets. just love

30 things

So....
many, many posts ago, in what seems now like an alternate universe, I wrote a list of 30 things to do before I turned 30


I failed, so absolutely miserably, that I've decided to scrap that list and write a new one

I don't want to focus on what should've happened in the last 30 years, but didn't.
I don't want to focus on what didn't happen in the last 30 years that should've.

this list will be different.
It can't possibly be titled '30 things to do before I'm 30'

I'm 30 tomorrow.


So this time, it's 30 things that I'm going to do now that I'm (nearly) 30

Kind of like a challenge to myself to make the next chapter of my life the best ever
A list of things to remind myself how I want to live my life
A list of ways I can make the lives of others around me better too


1) I am going to be more thankful. Every day
2) I am going to leave each person I come into contact with better than when I found them....even if just by a smile or a small compliment
3) i will forgive others more
4) i will be more passionate about everything I do
5) I will pay attention and enjoy my life as it happens
6) I will grow stronger everyday
7) I will have more confidence
8) I will speak louder, especially if speaking up for something I believe in
9) I will start conversations with random people (e.g. At airports)
10) I will live with less expectations - I will just let it be
11) I will learn to say 'no' more. But at the same time, I will learn to say 'yes' more too
12) I will empower myself to change what I can, and let go of the rest
13) I WILL declutter and keep my environment tidy
14) I will focus on the positives more, including mine
15) I will accept invitations to go out more with friends
16) I will love myself more!
17) I will pay attention to how I talk to myself....no more put-downs, no more self-sabotage
18) I will drink more water
19) I will take more photos {is that possible, you say?}
20) I will make sure people know that I am happy to see them
21) im going to spend less on things, and spend more on experiences/people
22) I will travel to new places and meet new people
23) I will learn a new language {looks like Mandarin Chinese is up there on the list}
24) Im going to write more handwritten letters
25) I'm going to do more random acts of kindness
26) I'm going to stop taking things so personally
27) I'm going to take more time to observe my surroundings. Take just one more look. For just one more second.
28) I'm going to stop basing my worth on other peoples actions
29) I'm going to give more to others - time, money, whatever
30) I will love others more, even those who hurt me or disappoint me. We're all human. We all make mistakes. And we all need love.

Wow, that was actually quite hard.


Not long to go. The clock is counting down the hours.
Soon I will enter into what is going to be {I'm claiming it!!!!!!!} the best decade of my life!

I'm super excited.
I'm going to live my life. Each and every day.
I'm going to make a difference in other peoples lives, somehow.

This is it.

no regrets. just love

2013

it's that time of year.
new years eve.
time for both reflection on the year that's passed, and looking forward to the year to come.

i don't believe in new years resolutions.
i believe in continually growing & challenging myself.....
             ....regardless of the date.


2012 has been an interesting year, to say the least.

a lot of growth....a lot of learning

quite possibly the most difficult year of my life.
but at the same time....possibly the most liberating & beneficial year.

yes, I still have a LONG way to go
yes, I will still have my bad days
yes, I still need to learn to love myself
yes, I still need to learn to trust again


but I am grateful for the things I have learned.
I am grateful for the people i've met.
i am proud of how far I have come
i accept my journey & embrace the growth that is still to come

2013 is going to be an exciting and, again, challenging year - but challenging in a positive way

for those who read my last post...you'll no doubt be wanting to know where my path leads next....



i can now make the 'announcement'

this little kiwi is spreading her wings again.
new places
new people
new learning
new adventures

i have accepted a position as Head of Nursery at an international school in China!!!!!!!
i can not contain my excitement!
i am so thankful for the amazing opportunity and it's definitely one that I wasn't going to pass up!

even though our paths may not take the direction we have planned...or imagined...or hoped

sometimes, the unchartered path, the unexpected changes, the so-called 'speed bumps' in life bring the most reward.

just sometimes, the 'spanner in the works' is actually the best thing that could've ever happened to you



it's not what happens to you that matters, but your response to it.

2013 is a year for living my life.

no regrets. just love
x

why hello, september springtime

winter is officially over.

well, according to the calendar anyway.

i love spring. i love the crisp mornings and the beautiful sunny days.
i love the blossoms.

i love the symbolism of new life.
new beginnings.

i love knowing that summer is just around the corner.

sitting in the sun this morning, enjoying a freshly brewed coffee with my flatmate, i had a sense of happiness. a sort of bliss. a sense of being okay with where i am right now. nearly, and i emphasise nearly, a sense of feeling settled.

and it felt good.

new season - on the calendar.
new season - in my life.

who knows what the next season will hold for me.
but i'm excited.
and i'm ready for it.

no regrets. just love

thought for today

i am not depressed.
it doesn't own me.
it doesn't make me who i am


i have depression.
there's a difference.



it just sucks that it's such a crappy thing to have.
would rather just have a cold. or a headache.


today, i will focus on seeing the positive in every situation. instead of always finding the negative and feeling like i've failed.