2013

it's that time of year.
new years eve.
time for both reflection on the year that's passed, and looking forward to the year to come.

i don't believe in new years resolutions.
i believe in continually growing & challenging myself.....
             ....regardless of the date.


2012 has been an interesting year, to say the least.

a lot of growth....a lot of learning

quite possibly the most difficult year of my life.
but at the same time....possibly the most liberating & beneficial year.

yes, I still have a LONG way to go
yes, I will still have my bad days
yes, I still need to learn to love myself
yes, I still need to learn to trust again


but I am grateful for the things I have learned.
I am grateful for the people i've met.
i am proud of how far I have come
i accept my journey & embrace the growth that is still to come

2013 is going to be an exciting and, again, challenging year - but challenging in a positive way

for those who read my last post...you'll no doubt be wanting to know where my path leads next....



i can now make the 'announcement'

this little kiwi is spreading her wings again.
new places
new people
new learning
new adventures

i have accepted a position as Head of Nursery at an international school in China!!!!!!!
i can not contain my excitement!
i am so thankful for the amazing opportunity and it's definitely one that I wasn't going to pass up!

even though our paths may not take the direction we have planned...or imagined...or hoped

sometimes, the unchartered path, the unexpected changes, the so-called 'speed bumps' in life bring the most reward.

just sometimes, the 'spanner in the works' is actually the best thing that could've ever happened to you



it's not what happens to you that matters, but your response to it.

2013 is a year for living my life.

no regrets. just love
x

my life. a constant adventure.

So. It seems my life here in Sydney is a transient one.

For what I needed at the time......

          An escape from reality

          Something new to focus on

          New people and places

          New self discovery

                                  .....Sydney has been perfect

However, you can't run from your problems forever.

Some day you need to stop, turn around and face them head on. 

Smack.

Also...

Sometimes you need to stop trying to do everything on your own

Sometimes you need to surround yourself with your family and friends

Just sometimes, you need a lil bit of help

and I'm not too proud to admit that.

So my next step is to head back across the ditch...back to the homeland...back into those warm, welcoming and loving arms of those who know me best...

But, as with my whole life so far....

       ....that won't be for long either.

There's another adventure brewing. One that I am so excited about!

And after a lil more healing, and a little bit of mustard, I'll be totally ready to embrace it!

I am adamant that I won't let any amazing opportunity pass me by.

As always, I choose to live with no regrets.

Looking forward. Moving forward, no matter how slowly. 

All I need I courage!

After all....life is a journey, not a destination.

No regrets. Just love

mantra. made permanent

so. the title of this blog is 'no regrets. just love'

what does that mean to me?

yes. it is a line from a cheesy and catchy katy perry tune. i'm a not-so-secret lover of pop. what can i say. i'm an 80s girl. no apologies there.

but it was those 4 words that stood out to me back in 2010.
back then, they resonated with me because of my depression.
now, they resonate for different reasons.

regardless of the why behind it - those 4 words still speak deeply to me.

life is a journey. a roller-coaster, if you will.

you can't predict what is going to happen. you can't change what has passed.

all you can do is live your life the best you can. live with no regrets. no 'what ifs'.
live a life you can be proud of.
and through the journey, you have to love. as much as you can.

love yourself. the most important (as I am still learning)
love those who love you
love those who hurt you.

because, ultimately, everyone comes in to your life for a reason.
everyone has lessons to teach you.

it's up to you whether you learn those lessons. or not.

i am still learning a lot. about life. about love. about me.
but i am learning. and growing. and that's the main thing.

i don't regret anything that has happened in my life. even the things that have made me cry.

i am grateful for the good times. the best times. the happy times.
the memories that i have of the past.
the memories that make me smile when i think of them.
especially the people who have been a part of those memories.

i am grateful, also, for the hard times.
the memories i sometimes wish i could forget.
the memories i sometimes wish never happened.
even the people who have broken my heart.

for everything that has happened is part of who i am.
and i am learning to love who that is.
even with the scars.

you only live once.
and i intend to live my life.
i intend to feel every feeling that i can.
the love.
the hurt.
the laughter.
the pain.

as a reminder, as if i could ever forget, i decided to get my mantra forever inked to my skin.

There's nothing for you to become, just to realise who you are - Joseph Clough.

I hope you live a life you're proud of. -F. Scott Fitzgerald

I myself don't have amazingly memorable or quotable words to express how important one's journey is, or how paramount it is to love yourself - no matter your scars....

all i can do is share with you my journey. my lessons.

and tell you that your journey is amazing.
no matter your scars.
no matter your battles.
no matter your hurts or your joys.

you are enough.


no regrets. just love.

fear of failing & lessons from a 19 year old

wow. what a roller-coaster journey life has been recently.
one day, everything's perfect. life is good and you are truly happy.
the next, everything's different.

i don't know what it is (well, actually I do - it's a nasty thing called Depression) but i have this intense fear of failing. the last thing i want to do is let anybody down, no matter what the cost.
usually, the cost is my own health and sense of well-being.

this is the hardest thing for me. learning to be selfish. saying no to people when i can't do things.
the real me is a people pleaser. and i don't want to change that. because seeing others happy does make me happy. it's just temporary until i end up burnt out.
the real me is someone who is there for her friends and family when they really need her. and i don't want to change that either.

i think what i need to learn to do is find a good balance - time for me, and time for others.
i also need to be aware of how much of others' problems that i take onboard. because i do. if i'm involved in someone else's problems - it's never easy to walk away from it. i continue to dwell on the issue even when i'm not around them. i really take the full weight of the problem on my shoulders.
maybe that's why my back and neck are so munted. (wow. a little joke. ha)

i've been ordered by the doc to have at least 2 weeks off work. hmmmm.
as much as i know that he is probably right and i need some time for me, i can't help but feel that not being at work is meaning that i'm letting my boss down, the other teachers and the children down too. i know that may is a busy month for us with a few teachers away.... this doesn't help me feel less of a failure. it makes me feel completely useless.
but i know that if i don't do as i'm told, i'll end up even more useless later on - and the children deserve me at my best. i don't want to give them anything less than 100%

depression is such a difficult thing - because i KNOW there are people going through seriously difficult situations right now, who have a reason to be struggling with life. then there's me. i don't have any reason to be the way i am. no reason for crumpling into a crying mess at the drop of a hat. i have a lot to be thankful for, and i know that. it's just telling the depression that.

anyway. i also wanted to write about some things i have learned over the last week. things that my friend's 19 year old sister has taught me.
1) LIVE YOUR LIFE EVERYDAY
not everyone actually lives their life to the full, everyday. she did. i should.
2) FORGIVE EASILY
people are going to hurt you throughout your life. people hurt her. she forgave them.
holding a grudge and resenting others only really makes you bitter and unhappy.
people are truly only human. none of us are perfect - we all make mistakes.
3) LAUGH OFTEN
life is too short to be taken so seriously. laughter is the best medicine, and it's amazing how good you feel after a good, genuine chuckle.
4) LOVE MUCH
AJ loved all people. no judgement. accepting all differences. this is not easy to do.
nobody is less than anyone else, and therefore everyone deserves to be treated equally. with respect. with love. with compassion. and with acceptance. this is something i am going to try and do better at.

it is amazing how much she packed into her short 19 years. and it is humbling how much she had to share with and teach others. a truly inspiring young woman. thank you, AJ, for what you taught me. your smile, joy and love will be forever missed.

road to nowhere?

after yesterday's blog being so positive...i have to admit, today is completely different.

i'm feeling very lonely today. very alone. 

i know i'm on a journey, one that may take a while...

but sometimes i wonder just where this road is taking me?

it feels like i'm on a road to nowhere....sometimes.

like i take one step forward, then 2 gigantic steps backwards.

(photo taken at Pineda de Mar in Spain)

one day, hopefully, i will reach the end of the road...or at least start out on a new, better journey.

comparing your life to others'

i have decided that there is nothing sillier than comparing your life to other peoples' lives.

this is something that i am completely guilty of a lot of the time. i was especially bad last year, and the year before that...but this year i am determined to be more content with what i have in my life and make the most of it.

right now, it's a bit difficult though. a LOT of my friends from high school (and life in general) have either had babies or are pregnant now. i'm totally ecstatic for them, of course, and wish them nothing but joy in their new adventures as mummies....but i can't help feeling a little jealous because the ONE thing i want more than anything in my life is to be a mummy...to have my own little cherub to love and nurture and adore.

i know, i know. it will happen. when it's right. good things take time. yeah, yeah.
and i also understand the logic that now we've started with our new house plans (YAY!!!!!!!) we might as well wait until that is all finished before we start shooting out the sprockets. but, it's a little bit hard when growing up, i ALWAYS thought i would have had my babies by now. WELL before now.
oh well. i guess life it like that. things happen. new adventures take you in new directions, and therefore plans change. or have to be put on hold. it's all good. it's all part of the journey.

i am pretty happy with my life right now. the weather is gorgeous. sunshine, warmth, and blue skies make me happy. the mister is home. we have a visitor from the UK here too, which makes life fun. i also have made a new breakthrough with my health and fitness regime. just got home from the gym now, and even I was surprised at how motivated i was during my workout today. you should have seen the look on my Personal Trainer's face when she came in and saw me running on the treadmill. haha....sounds like nothing, i know - but if you truly know me, you will know how much i absolutely positively LOATHE running. but there i was. running. fast. for ages. phew!
i am determined that 2011 is going to be my year. and so far, it is. life is good. i am happy. i am not needing my meds as regularly (but yes, i'm still being careful about that). i have reunited with 'lost' friends from last year and i am committed to keeping my relationships on track and flourishing. my photography is going well and i am hoping will get even better.

today is a good day. now is a good time in my life and i am really relishing being able to enjoy it.

"keep up the good work" - i should tell myself this everyday.
i AM doing well. i AM fighting and i AM winning. my life is becoming more and more my own again. i have more control and i LOVE it!!!!!

2011 baby!

flip. it's the first day of 2011.....where has the last year gone? feels like only yesterday i was just beginning my meds and dealing with the various 'joys' of battling with depression.

2010 turned out to be a great year. well, the 2nd half did anyway. so i am planning on continuing the good run right on into twenty-eleven, and have high hopes for the delightfulness that will be my journey this year. bring on the beauty. bring on the discovery. bring on the fun. bring on the love. bring on the LIFE!

amped much? yep. actually i am.


yesterday i picked up the pics that i snapped on my little mate 'Pomme'....
well, haha. not sure if i even want to share these with the world, as i'm not sure i'm altogether proud of them. but, definitely a learning curve! i'm not sure what went wrong with some of them...too much light from one side? i know what went wrong with some (note the pics where you can see my finger at the side! my bad).
i'm looking forward to grabbing another film tho and having another go. mistakes are made so we can learn from them. hopefully.

here are some of the better pics, and some of the ones that could've been awesome with the 'mistakes'.

why me?

there are times when i wonder why i have depression.
am i being punished for something?
was i too happy before?
or was i too ungrateful for the blessings i had.


other times i remind myself that it is often the most amazing minds and the most gentlest spirits who are affected by depression. i read somewhere once (sorry i can't give credit where it's due) that depression usually hits the least deserving people - that it's usually the most amazing people who are 'cursed' with this monster.


but most of the time i am somewhere in between. i think life is harder these days. it's not just because i've grown up and have to face 'grown up' issues. it's also the way society has changed. i mean, i realise that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain - and therefore is not purely environmental - but i do believe that there can be contributors and stressors that make a person more susceptible to it. i think that's what has happened to me. life.
i think i have become so consumed by the various events throughout my life, that i have forgotten to enjoy it. i need to start enjoying my life, otherwise i will wake up one day to find that it is over.

i know that i made so much progress recently. i started to believe in beauty again. i am not going to give up. just because i've had a 'bad day'.
my personal short term mission now is to force myself to find one thing that i am grateful for every day. one thing that i can say "today was a good day because....."
if i do not write one thing everyday, i want you, my 'followers', to hound me. ask me. what was i grateful for today?

after my last entry (the big, emotional one) i had a few replies - some public, some private. i want to thank you, so sincerely and deeply for your encouragement and support. it is nice to know that even though i feel alone in this struggle (because, ultimately, it is a personal struggle), there are people who are thinking of me, and hoping for me to find beauty and joy again.

sometimes, i have to admit (and apologise for), i find myself feeling a twinge of jealousy as i observe my wonderful friends live their lives, finding amazing jobs, enjoying life with their partners (some with children), discovering their passions and their purpose in life. especially my friends who i have seen go through struggles of their own....now to see them flourishing - it makes me happy, but also a tiny weeny bit sad that it's not me. i am proud of them, nonetheless, for conquering their obstacles and not giving up. i know they deserve all the happiness, joy and beauty they have now.

the reason i want to thank those of you who take the time to comment on my blog, is because - through your feedback - i am beginning to feel a sense of purpose for myself. this blog, that started out as being an outlet for me (because i was too lazy to write in a normal diary), is now becoming an empowering place for me, where i feel that what i have to write is important. that maybe, what i have to say will have an impact on someone else, some day. that maybe, just maybe, i have been 'cursed with a blessing'.

if WHEN i break the chains of depression and rid my life of this overwhelming sadness, i will use my experience to help others. i will never forget this journey and this struggle, and i will make some good of it.

no man is an island. and no matter how much of a 'personal struggle' depression is, it always helps to know that you actually aren't alone. it is always helpful to know that someone else has been there - and has made it through the other side. it always helps to know that someone believes in you, and that they can see the light that still shines, somewhere buried deep inside your darkness.

weekend..

this weekend has been full of ups and downs.

friday was meant to be the day i said goodbye to my mister.

but, delightfully, we were given another day together cos his work changed their mind on where they were sending him.

so. we got friday as a bonus.

saturday a.m was an early one. 5am awake. finalise packing. then i dropped him at the shuttle place in town.

tearful goodbye.

saying goodbye is hard. it never gets easier. 3 months apart is hard.

but this is all part of my journey. our journey. our life at the moment.

it's not forever.

i can't wait for the day when he comes home for good and there will be no more sad goodbyes.

countdown is on now....until i see my mister again.

but then i spent some time with some friends, which lifted my spirits.

laughs, great food, wine. was great to take my mind off the lonely times ahead.

tonight, though, my heart is lonely.

i look at the la-z-boy where he usually sits.

but he's not there.

i really REALLY hope these months go fast.

christmas is coming.

i just hope it hurries the frick up!