mindset shift

in the past week or two, i've had a few pieces of info 'come to light' that could have had the potential to do some serious damage to my progress.

no boring details needed.

just things that, a year ago, would have completely destroyed me.


but not now.

i have to admit, i am surprised by {and totally proud of} how i have responded to the events.
surprised by my own strength.


the difference?

my constant decision to think differently about things.
to realise when things are out of my control, and
to let go of those things.


my decision, every day, to live without a sense of entitlement
                           - i should've had that, or
                           - i deserve that

to be grateful for the things i do have
and to be patient....knowing that one day i may have the things i've always hoped for.

so basically, a lot of 'mental' hard work.

it isn't always easy, but the more i think this way - the easier it gets.

i have noticed a real difference.
life truly is easier when you learn to let go of things beyond your control.
things you can't avoid or change.

i know that:
life isn't always going to be fair.
things are going to happen.
things that hurt.
things that disappoint.

but, when you learn to control the only thing you can
                                                                    ~ your response to those things ~
                                          life is so much better.


life is happier.

life can actually be good again.

no regrets. just love

30 things

So....
many, many posts ago, in what seems now like an alternate universe, I wrote a list of 30 things to do before I turned 30


I failed, so absolutely miserably, that I've decided to scrap that list and write a new one

I don't want to focus on what should've happened in the last 30 years, but didn't.
I don't want to focus on what didn't happen in the last 30 years that should've.

this list will be different.
It can't possibly be titled '30 things to do before I'm 30'

I'm 30 tomorrow.


So this time, it's 30 things that I'm going to do now that I'm (nearly) 30

Kind of like a challenge to myself to make the next chapter of my life the best ever
A list of things to remind myself how I want to live my life
A list of ways I can make the lives of others around me better too


1) I am going to be more thankful. Every day
2) I am going to leave each person I come into contact with better than when I found them....even if just by a smile or a small compliment
3) i will forgive others more
4) i will be more passionate about everything I do
5) I will pay attention and enjoy my life as it happens
6) I will grow stronger everyday
7) I will have more confidence
8) I will speak louder, especially if speaking up for something I believe in
9) I will start conversations with random people (e.g. At airports)
10) I will live with less expectations - I will just let it be
11) I will learn to say 'no' more. But at the same time, I will learn to say 'yes' more too
12) I will empower myself to change what I can, and let go of the rest
13) I WILL declutter and keep my environment tidy
14) I will focus on the positives more, including mine
15) I will accept invitations to go out more with friends
16) I will love myself more!
17) I will pay attention to how I talk to myself....no more put-downs, no more self-sabotage
18) I will drink more water
19) I will take more photos {is that possible, you say?}
20) I will make sure people know that I am happy to see them
21) im going to spend less on things, and spend more on experiences/people
22) I will travel to new places and meet new people
23) I will learn a new language {looks like Mandarin Chinese is up there on the list}
24) Im going to write more handwritten letters
25) I'm going to do more random acts of kindness
26) I'm going to stop taking things so personally
27) I'm going to take more time to observe my surroundings. Take just one more look. For just one more second.
28) I'm going to stop basing my worth on other peoples actions
29) I'm going to give more to others - time, money, whatever
30) I will love others more, even those who hurt me or disappoint me. We're all human. We all make mistakes. And we all need love.

Wow, that was actually quite hard.


Not long to go. The clock is counting down the hours.
Soon I will enter into what is going to be {I'm claiming it!!!!!!!} the best decade of my life!

I'm super excited.
I'm going to live my life. Each and every day.
I'm going to make a difference in other peoples lives, somehow.

This is it.

no regrets. just love

"small bump"

So.

Today has been a day of highs and lows.

The weather has been been beautiful, although a lil cold, here in Sydney. I got out for a walk around the bay near where I live and soaked up some delicious sunshine and inhaled the 'fresh' air.

I had a great skype convo with someone I'm missing badly right now...a convo that made me smile. a LOT

and then, i settled in for a lazy sunday avo watching some tele....and internetting.

I came across this blog from ZMs Polly. I was tempted not to read it, as I had an idea it would stir up emotions inside me I didn't want to feel...but I read it anyway

of course....emotions welled.
everything she said is true. it doesn't matter how far along you are, having a miscarriage is devastating.

what also stirred a different emotion in me was reading about how supportive her husband Grant was during her experiences. how he grieved with her. it wasn't just her going through the journey alone.

I think I realised, that my miscarriage was when my depression really hit me. Not only was I struggling with all the emotions and questions that come with 'losing' a baby, and all those dreams being shattered. But I was also trying to deal with it alone...without the support of my partner. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realise that he actually just never even cared.
That realisation hurts.

For those who don't already know, the changes that have happened for me over the past few months have been relating to my marriage. it ended at Christmas last year. he decided we were better off as 2 individuals, not husband and wife anymore.
One of the comments that people often make when they find out (and when they find out, or if they already know, about my miscarriage) is "well, just as well you don't have any kids together"

Is it really? yes, I know that separation and divorce when kids are involved CAN be messy and can be difficult, but does that outweigh the fact that the only thing I've ever wanted in life is to be a mummy? the fact that I still miss that precious baby that never made it. that I still notice something missing in my life?

i know that miscarriage is a common experience for most women in their lives. but that doesn't make it hurt less.
i know that marriage breakdown is also (very sadly) a common experience for a lot of people in this day and age. but that doesn't make it hurt less.

everyone's journey is their own. this is a part of mine.

all i know is you have to learn from your experiences.
so what can i learn from this?
well, i can't decide whether or not the next baby i conceive will make it into this world.
but i can decide one thing:
the next person i choose to be with is going to be someone who i know will support me through anything. someone who will journey through the experience with me. someone who will not leave me to deal with it on my own.

that i CAN choose.

no regrets. just love

my new mantra....

this photo was taken the same day as AJ's celebration service - some of her friends released blue balloons for her. i just love the pic (borrowed from the friend). added the quote.

this is what i need to continue to remember to do. just breathe. let go of the negative. let go of what i can't control. let go of the insecurities. let go of the doubts. let go of the past (well, the not-so-good parts anyway). just live my life. take a chance. who cares if i make the wrong decision? at least i made a decision! you never know if you don't try.

i have accepted a new job! woooo. excite. but also a little bit eeeek. nervous as heck. had a fleeting moment of worry - did i pick the right job? what if it's not the right one?

but that didn't last. i'm just going to run with the fact that i chose one. it's done. i can't unchange it (for now anyway). let's just see how it goes.

i've been going along to some therapy sessions with a psychologist (yes - that title did freak me out at first - am i really THAT screwed up?)
so far so good.
it almost feels like when i talk, as the words come out, i can let go of the hurt.
acknowledge the pain. then watch it fly away.
it's impossible to deny that talking does help. well, it does for me.
i guess it's just hearing that how i'm feeling is okay. i'm not crazy. i have a reason for feeling the way i do.

so now, i start my new job on tuesday! i'm super amped.
it's only 13 sleeps til the mister is back. can't wait to see my favourite person on the planet!
i just helped my niece get all ready for her dress up 'under the sea' day at kindy - as a mermaid.

life is good.

i'm living for today.
with hope for tomorrow.

no regrets. just love