an easy one....

today i begin writing one thing about each day that was good.
well, today was an easy one!
my day was filled with so much goodness and beauty. it was truly amazing.

one of my dearest friends, Lindsay, got married today.
so right there you've got a pretty major reason why today was a good day.

the weather was perfect. the venue was gorgeous. the decorations were amazing. the couple were stunning!
the food was delicious and, in general, it was a spectacular day!

another thing that made it good was that i didn't become overwhelmed by so much love and beauty and joy, like i usually would. today i actually just embraced it. and i enjoyed it. i had a few tears - but they were acceptable because everyone was crying - it was during the speeches where everyone gets emotional. i managed to rein in the tears, though, and i felt "in control" of my emotions today. quite an achievement for me, and one that i have to say i am quite proud of. it truly was a splendid day (and the possibilities for photography were endless, so i was really in heaven!)

after all this goodness, i felt quite content as i drove myself home. how else could this day be any better (apart from having hubby there too)?
waiting for me at home, to my surprise, was a lovely bunch of flowers from the mister. (i'm sure you were all thinking the surprise was going to be him.....haha, i wish!)
i could not believe it! he had known that i was going to have missed him today, and he knew that i'd had a pretty rough weekend emotionally (and was probably worried that i would've been an emotional wreck after the wedding)...that he thought he would send me flowers to make me smile. and they did. i smiled. a lot. in fact, i'm still smiling now as i'm writing this. i can smell the delicious fragrance wafting through my room and i am happy. right here in this moment, in this day, i am happy.

and it feels GOOD!





i will leave you with a little snippet from the millions of photos i took today. this one was actually a mistake, but i kind of love it. lovers escaping into a secret garden. plus - it doesn't give too much away, because i have been told before that some people don't really like photos going up on the web before they've had a chance to put some up first. so here it is. here they are. Mr and Mrs Faris :)

a picture paints 1000 words....

this is a picture i took, driving home from auckland a few weeks ago. i love the colours and the feeling of happiness i get when i look at it. i thought i would share it with you all 

why me?

there are times when i wonder why i have depression.
am i being punished for something?
was i too happy before?
or was i too ungrateful for the blessings i had.


other times i remind myself that it is often the most amazing minds and the most gentlest spirits who are affected by depression. i read somewhere once (sorry i can't give credit where it's due) that depression usually hits the least deserving people - that it's usually the most amazing people who are 'cursed' with this monster.


but most of the time i am somewhere in between. i think life is harder these days. it's not just because i've grown up and have to face 'grown up' issues. it's also the way society has changed. i mean, i realise that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain - and therefore is not purely environmental - but i do believe that there can be contributors and stressors that make a person more susceptible to it. i think that's what has happened to me. life.
i think i have become so consumed by the various events throughout my life, that i have forgotten to enjoy it. i need to start enjoying my life, otherwise i will wake up one day to find that it is over.

i know that i made so much progress recently. i started to believe in beauty again. i am not going to give up. just because i've had a 'bad day'.
my personal short term mission now is to force myself to find one thing that i am grateful for every day. one thing that i can say "today was a good day because....."
if i do not write one thing everyday, i want you, my 'followers', to hound me. ask me. what was i grateful for today?

after my last entry (the big, emotional one) i had a few replies - some public, some private. i want to thank you, so sincerely and deeply for your encouragement and support. it is nice to know that even though i feel alone in this struggle (because, ultimately, it is a personal struggle), there are people who are thinking of me, and hoping for me to find beauty and joy again.

sometimes, i have to admit (and apologise for), i find myself feeling a twinge of jealousy as i observe my wonderful friends live their lives, finding amazing jobs, enjoying life with their partners (some with children), discovering their passions and their purpose in life. especially my friends who i have seen go through struggles of their own....now to see them flourishing - it makes me happy, but also a tiny weeny bit sad that it's not me. i am proud of them, nonetheless, for conquering their obstacles and not giving up. i know they deserve all the happiness, joy and beauty they have now.

the reason i want to thank those of you who take the time to comment on my blog, is because - through your feedback - i am beginning to feel a sense of purpose for myself. this blog, that started out as being an outlet for me (because i was too lazy to write in a normal diary), is now becoming an empowering place for me, where i feel that what i have to write is important. that maybe, what i have to say will have an impact on someone else, some day. that maybe, just maybe, i have been 'cursed with a blessing'.

if WHEN i break the chains of depression and rid my life of this overwhelming sadness, i will use my experience to help others. i will never forget this journey and this struggle, and i will make some good of it.

no man is an island. and no matter how much of a 'personal struggle' depression is, it always helps to know that you actually aren't alone. it is always helpful to know that someone else has been there - and has made it through the other side. it always helps to know that someone believes in you, and that they can see the light that still shines, somewhere buried deep inside your darkness.

how?

how can i let go of the past when it is still so very present?
when it refuses to just go away.

how can i get over the hurts of yesterday, when the effects are still so real - like new wounds every day?


i've tried. and tried. and tried some more.

i just don't know how it could be possible.
even though i wish - more than anything - that it was.

pressure to be....

lately i have been struggling with a 'pressure to be'.....

it's hard to make sense of it. but basically i have been feeling pressures from all places to be somewhere or something for someone else. i know that a lot of those times, i have been needed. other times, it's just me and my fear of letting someone else down. but right now, i am feeling exhausted. i feel like i have been everything to everyone else, and i have been neglecting ME.

one of my very wise friends said "how can you do something else for someone else when you're burnt out?"
i tried to take a day for me. and all i managed was a couple of hours. but at least that's a start.
writing here is also time for me. i haven't been on here for a while, and i think it's because i've been avoiding the words flying around in my head.

i have had to deal with a lot of unpleasant reality in the last couple of weeks. a death in the family. sudden and very sad circumstances. now, i have lost some of the beauty i had begun to build up in my world again.
now i am left with an overwhelming feeling that i will never get there. i will never have complete beauty and happiness again. i think it's sometimes possibly true because of the fact that anytime i am faced with true beauty or true happiness, usually seen in other people, i am unable to cope with it and i end up a crumpled crying mess.

i think i am feeling a lot of self-pity right now. i have lost all motivation to better my world. i feel that i have tried so hard and really believed that i was getting somewhere, only to have it fall down around me.
am i doing something wrong? am i still keeping up invisible walls without meaning to? am i just incapable of feeling true and deep happiness?
or am i just really really tired and will everything be better after the christmas holidays?

i do know that i miss my mister. a lot. and i just want our life to begin properly already. i am ready for the next stage. i am ready for a home to call our own. our own space - space where i can be creative and express my inner voice. space where i can be comfortable enough to truly be myself...in all my messiness :p
i am ready for and desperately needing consistency in my time with him. i just want to be with him. all the time. i want to wake up and know that he will be next to me. i get lonely waking up on my own too often.
i know that it is not advised when you have depression to really try and have a baby, but i honestly think that i am ready for that too. i am my happiest when i am around my niece and nephew - the joy they bring me is so indescribable, and i eagerly anticipate the love and joy that i know i will feel when i have my own cherubs.

i have also been battling with comments from others regarding depression. i remind myself not to get upset or angry at the person specifically, because i know that no-one can truly understand the grips of depression unless they have been there personally. but it gets frustrating when some people just refuse to even try and understand. it is more like an ignorance. an intolerance. and it frustrates me. if i could just 'snap out of it', i would. TRUST ME! this is not some fairground ride that i enjoy, and that i would wish to take again. if i had a choice, i would not choose depression. FOR ANYBODY.

this blog is now also a mission for me to continue to raise awareness of the illness....to help others who battle with depression to be heard - to express their experiences and feelings without fear of discrimination or judgement.

so. today's blog, my first in a long time, has been a heavy and emotion-filled one. i'm sorry for that. but i needed to clear my mind and get these oppressive thoughts down.
i am tired of being this 'version' of me. i don't like who i am right now. i am ready for the new and improved.


This. Is. Not. Who. I. Am.

last day...

so, today is my last day of vacay. tonight i get back on that tin bird and wing my way back to the land of the long white cloud. i have to be honest. a big part of me is super amped about going back home - to the warmth of summer, to see my niece and nephew, see friends and family again. but of course there is a little part of me that is sad to leave the mister and my relaxing time of having nothing i have to do and nowhere i have to be.

the time has gone so quickly! doesn't it always?
i've not really done much, but i have had a good time.
explored vegesack (a bit), taken some pics, been to bremen, been to hamburg, made new friends, enjoyed good food and wine, tried a 'vodka ahoy' and have the ingredients to bring home to share this delight with everyone back there. haha
i've experienced a traditional bavarian buffet lunch, accompanied by a yummy german beer.
i've been shopping (my fave thing to do)
i've slept in almost every morning
i've discovered the delicious butterbrezel
i've had a late night bratwurst after a few drinks
i've spent time with my husband, which has been great - and obviously was the main reason for the vacay.
i've even picked up a few german words along the way.

i know i'm going to have a shock when i get home. the weather is going to be completely different. but i'm ready for it! i'm ready for some sun and beach time.
there's really no place like home.
i'm a true kiwi and always will be. a true kiwi always returns back to the homeland.
NZ really is the best place in the world.
NZ - here i come! can't wait

i'll leave you with two more pics from my wanderings around vegesack.

the buried life….

so, there have been a few days here in Vegesack where the weather has been less than ideal and i've found myself with nothing else to do but snuggle up in the hotel room with lollies, diet coke, and a movie from Rhys's harddrive. so much so that i ran out of movies i was actually interested in watching (his collection looks a lot different to what mine would look like).

i discovered a show on MTV website that i've been watching quite a bit over the last few days. The Buried Life. it's awesome. a group of canadian boys who wanted to live their life while they were alive. and wanted to prove that anything is possible if you really set your mind to it.
they created a list of the 100 things they want to do before they die. and they have a flipping blast crossing things off the list. it's a good watch, but also inspirational too. for every thing they cross off their list, they help someone else cross something off theirs. some moving moments.

it has made me think - crikey! i'm turning 30 in 2 years! yikes. have i done all the things that i had hoped i'd do? when i was younger, 30 seemed soooooo old and sooooooooo long away. i always thought i'd have a family by now and be well settled down. i've got the husband. but at the mo, that's as far as my little family unit goes. I have packed a lot into my 28 years, but are there things that i've wanted to do but never had the guts? haha..probably. i am possibly the world's biggest woose (i never know how to spell that word - just looked it up online. apparently you can write it woose, wuss, or wussy. there you go).

there are definitely things i want to do but never think i would actually go through with.
so, you know what i'm thinking?

i'm going to make a list of the 30 things i want to do before i turn 30.

#1 - perform in a stage musical
#2 - do a photography course
#3 - go sky-diving
#4 - start business with Kylie
#5 - go to New York
#6 - do a make-up course
#7 - go to the Melbourne Races
#8 - sell my first photograph - to someone i don't know :)
#9 - sit my Grade 8 piano exam
#10 - be off my meds completely
#11 - help build a home for Habitat for Humanity
#12 - have been to 30 concerts in my life (so far i've been to 6, sad huh?)
#13 - go skinny dipping
#14 - swim with sharks (well, at least cage diving anyway)
#15 - go scuba diving again (i haven't been for 6 years!)
#16 - learn french, enough to hold a decent conversation
#17 - compete in and finish a half marathon
#18 - write a letter to all the people in my life that i am close to, telling them what i appreciate about each    
       of them
#19 - learn a new sport
#20 - learn to surf (and NOT be scared of the sharks)
#21 - get back into dancing.  i will find a class and attend it - regularly.
#22 - lose 10kgs
#23 - have an overseas holiday with my 2 sisters
#24 - treat my bestie to something amazing (that she really needs)
#25 - set up an album where i take and print one picture every day - showing a highlight from that day
#26 - start writing a book
#27 - go on a Volunteer holiday with the hubby
#28 - be able to bait my own hook (this is one for the hubby, he'll be so please, haha)
#29 - donate $500 to a local charity
#30 - have a baby (or at least get pregnant by the time i'm 30)


so. that was harder than i thought it was going to be. writing a list of things i want to do before i die would have been a bit easier. but then, i guess, we never know when we're going to die.

i leave Germany tomorrow, land back in Aotearoa on Thursday. next week my 30 before 30 mission begins. who knows, if i achieve all of these things before 30, i might even keep going and lengthen my list to 100 things to do before i die.

we need to live our life while we are alive. otherwise what's the point?
get some direction. i've got mine now.


so…what is the one main thing you want to do before you die?