"small bump"

So.

Today has been a day of highs and lows.

The weather has been been beautiful, although a lil cold, here in Sydney. I got out for a walk around the bay near where I live and soaked up some delicious sunshine and inhaled the 'fresh' air.

I had a great skype convo with someone I'm missing badly right now...a convo that made me smile. a LOT

and then, i settled in for a lazy sunday avo watching some tele....and internetting.

I came across this blog from ZMs Polly. I was tempted not to read it, as I had an idea it would stir up emotions inside me I didn't want to feel...but I read it anyway

of course....emotions welled.
everything she said is true. it doesn't matter how far along you are, having a miscarriage is devastating.

what also stirred a different emotion in me was reading about how supportive her husband Grant was during her experiences. how he grieved with her. it wasn't just her going through the journey alone.

I think I realised, that my miscarriage was when my depression really hit me. Not only was I struggling with all the emotions and questions that come with 'losing' a baby, and all those dreams being shattered. But I was also trying to deal with it alone...without the support of my partner. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realise that he actually just never even cared.
That realisation hurts.

For those who don't already know, the changes that have happened for me over the past few months have been relating to my marriage. it ended at Christmas last year. he decided we were better off as 2 individuals, not husband and wife anymore.
One of the comments that people often make when they find out (and when they find out, or if they already know, about my miscarriage) is "well, just as well you don't have any kids together"

Is it really? yes, I know that separation and divorce when kids are involved CAN be messy and can be difficult, but does that outweigh the fact that the only thing I've ever wanted in life is to be a mummy? the fact that I still miss that precious baby that never made it. that I still notice something missing in my life?

i know that miscarriage is a common experience for most women in their lives. but that doesn't make it hurt less.
i know that marriage breakdown is also (very sadly) a common experience for a lot of people in this day and age. but that doesn't make it hurt less.

everyone's journey is their own. this is a part of mine.

all i know is you have to learn from your experiences.
so what can i learn from this?
well, i can't decide whether or not the next baby i conceive will make it into this world.
but i can decide one thing:
the next person i choose to be with is going to be someone who i know will support me through anything. someone who will journey through the experience with me. someone who will not leave me to deal with it on my own.

that i CAN choose.

no regrets. just love

explore. discover

So...hello! This post comes to you from my new home in Sydney, Australia!

3 weeks down and so far, so good. The move went well. I'm settling in and getting out exploring this fabulous (and freaking HUGE) city. I'm enjoying time with my new roomie and getting to know her better (and her wonderful, crazy friends). Me (left) & my roomie (right)

I've had some fun doing what I love maybe a little too much (those of you who know me will know that I'm talking about shopping)

I've relaxed in Hamilton Island and been snorkeling at the Great Barrier Reef. An absolute MUST! so amazing!

I've had a fleeting visit from my bestest lady on her way home from China and I've caught up with a beautiful friend from back home who has called Sydney her home for 2 years.

After a bit of down time, I've gotten stuck in to creating my life here - I've bought a car, been applying for jobs and learning to find my way around. 4 interviews down (one of which was a 2nd interview), 2 job offers so far - but the one I really want is still to get back to me. Fingers crossed!!! (obvious slight change to original plan, for those of you who know me)

I have found what could just be my favourite spot in Sydney so far. i am so grateful to new friends for sharing the spot with me....take a look. so peaceful, relaxing, and reminds me a little of home. Introducing: Nielsen Park...

i really feel like this move has definitely been the right thing for me right now. i am relishing the new adventures and the new challenges...and rediscovering ME.

i am learning more about my own strengths. my own passions. my own dreams and hopes.
who i am and what really makes me tick

Sydney is still so undiscovered to me. there is still so much to see and do! that is really exciting to me. it's refreshing and reviving. it's uplifting.

i'm looking forward to many more new friends and experiences.
for once, i feel like i am in the right place at the right time.

this is definitely an important chapter in my journey.

no regrets. just love

hello stranger

wow. it HAS been a while.

my life has taken on a new direction since my last post.
changes.
big changes.

as hard as things have been, the excitement of what the future holds is now starting to take over.
new beginnings.
2012. the year of taking risks. the year of no regrets. the year of love - mostly learning to love myself.

i haven't been well this week, and am really needing to crawl into bed right now....but i just wanted to do a post. at least a short one. get back into the blogging groove.

i want to focus my posts this year on all the exciting and new adventures i will be experiencing.
i'd love for you to come along for the ride.

i am searching for inspiration all around me. there is so much beauty to see. so much to be grateful for. these are a few of my fave pics at the mo....

 true story.

 as simple as that.

 i'm ready for it!

 not always what i wanna hear, but encouraging

i've also got back into my photography. my first awesome shoot for the year was with the lovely Moodle (AKA Maz), her gorgeous girl Ashlee and the baby giraffe growing inside her. love this pic.

so, welcome to my 2012 journey.
it's gonna be quite a ride :)


life is too short to be caught up on what's been.
i wanna focus on what's to come.

no regrets. just love

visual delights

while you are waiting {and waiting, and waiting} for my next proper post....enjoy these little delights. eye candy. the deliciousness that is my niece and nephews.

LOVE the look of absolute excitement on his face as he open his treasure chest birthday present :)

creative juices flowing

the little munchkin.

cheesy ballerina..

these little angels teach me every day about finding joy in everything. finding delight in the little things. letting my imagination go wild and living life. 

love you cheebies. xxx

disappointment

oh. my.

i promised you a new post. like last fortnight.

eeeek. i haven't delivered.


i am aware that i haven't delivered. and i know that i have disappointed my 'followers'.


this weekend. i promise
this weekend there will be a new post.

i have been sickies. and hectic at work.
no excuse, i know.
but i P.ROMISE!
this wknd it is ON!

thank you for standing by me despite my disappointments.

totally love you for that

remember me????

eeeeek.

hello. my lovely followers.
are you still there?



i have been so MIA lately.
there have been so many changes going on in my life.
and i apologise.
i have not posted for, like, ever.


but during that time, I have been gathering my thoughts.
thoughts on life.
on love.
on decisions.
on depression.
on beauty.
on a whole heap of important stuff.

i promise i will share some of these thoughts over the next few days.

now that life has calmed down a little,
i am going to get back into my blogging.

i have missed it so.
and i have continued to receive encouraging comments from you lovelies
so i am going to get back in to it.

after i have had a chillax time tonite.
haha. the week has been hectic.

so, i am enjoying a pinot gris, snuggled in front of the heater, relaxing.
i will transfer thought to paper (computer screen) tomorrow.

i am also getting a new hair style tomorrow. if you're lucky i'll post a pic

which reminds me.
i haven't been behind the camera in a while.
maybe this weekend is a good time to restart.


i hope you have all been well. and thank you for not abandoning me,
even though i have been so slack.

so, til tomorrow

no regrets. just love

my new mantra....

this photo was taken the same day as AJ's celebration service - some of her friends released blue balloons for her. i just love the pic (borrowed from the friend). added the quote.

this is what i need to continue to remember to do. just breathe. let go of the negative. let go of what i can't control. let go of the insecurities. let go of the doubts. let go of the past (well, the not-so-good parts anyway). just live my life. take a chance. who cares if i make the wrong decision? at least i made a decision! you never know if you don't try.

i have accepted a new job! woooo. excite. but also a little bit eeeek. nervous as heck. had a fleeting moment of worry - did i pick the right job? what if it's not the right one?

but that didn't last. i'm just going to run with the fact that i chose one. it's done. i can't unchange it (for now anyway). let's just see how it goes.

i've been going along to some therapy sessions with a psychologist (yes - that title did freak me out at first - am i really THAT screwed up?)
so far so good.
it almost feels like when i talk, as the words come out, i can let go of the hurt.
acknowledge the pain. then watch it fly away.
it's impossible to deny that talking does help. well, it does for me.
i guess it's just hearing that how i'm feeling is okay. i'm not crazy. i have a reason for feeling the way i do.

so now, i start my new job on tuesday! i'm super amped.
it's only 13 sleeps til the mister is back. can't wait to see my favourite person on the planet!
i just helped my niece get all ready for her dress up 'under the sea' day at kindy - as a mermaid.

life is good.

i'm living for today.
with hope for tomorrow.

no regrets. just love