fear of failing & lessons from a 19 year old

wow. what a roller-coaster journey life has been recently.
one day, everything's perfect. life is good and you are truly happy.
the next, everything's different.

i don't know what it is (well, actually I do - it's a nasty thing called Depression) but i have this intense fear of failing. the last thing i want to do is let anybody down, no matter what the cost.
usually, the cost is my own health and sense of well-being.

this is the hardest thing for me. learning to be selfish. saying no to people when i can't do things.
the real me is a people pleaser. and i don't want to change that. because seeing others happy does make me happy. it's just temporary until i end up burnt out.
the real me is someone who is there for her friends and family when they really need her. and i don't want to change that either.

i think what i need to learn to do is find a good balance - time for me, and time for others.
i also need to be aware of how much of others' problems that i take onboard. because i do. if i'm involved in someone else's problems - it's never easy to walk away from it. i continue to dwell on the issue even when i'm not around them. i really take the full weight of the problem on my shoulders.
maybe that's why my back and neck are so munted. (wow. a little joke. ha)

i've been ordered by the doc to have at least 2 weeks off work. hmmmm.
as much as i know that he is probably right and i need some time for me, i can't help but feel that not being at work is meaning that i'm letting my boss down, the other teachers and the children down too. i know that may is a busy month for us with a few teachers away.... this doesn't help me feel less of a failure. it makes me feel completely useless.
but i know that if i don't do as i'm told, i'll end up even more useless later on - and the children deserve me at my best. i don't want to give them anything less than 100%

depression is such a difficult thing - because i KNOW there are people going through seriously difficult situations right now, who have a reason to be struggling with life. then there's me. i don't have any reason to be the way i am. no reason for crumpling into a crying mess at the drop of a hat. i have a lot to be thankful for, and i know that. it's just telling the depression that.

anyway. i also wanted to write about some things i have learned over the last week. things that my friend's 19 year old sister has taught me.
1) LIVE YOUR LIFE EVERYDAY
not everyone actually lives their life to the full, everyday. she did. i should.
2) FORGIVE EASILY
people are going to hurt you throughout your life. people hurt her. she forgave them.
holding a grudge and resenting others only really makes you bitter and unhappy.
people are truly only human. none of us are perfect - we all make mistakes.
3) LAUGH OFTEN
life is too short to be taken so seriously. laughter is the best medicine, and it's amazing how good you feel after a good, genuine chuckle.
4) LOVE MUCH
AJ loved all people. no judgement. accepting all differences. this is not easy to do.
nobody is less than anyone else, and therefore everyone deserves to be treated equally. with respect. with love. with compassion. and with acceptance. this is something i am going to try and do better at.

it is amazing how much she packed into her short 19 years. and it is humbling how much she had to share with and teach others. a truly inspiring young woman. thank you, AJ, for what you taught me. your smile, joy and love will be forever missed.