possible to be loved

it has been nearly a year since my last post.

what can i say, i've been busy.

i've been busy growing.
                       learning.
                       changing.
                       loving.

i've been busy living.

my move to china happened nearly 9 months ago now. it is so clear that this is definitely where i'm supposed to be.

right now, i am in the moment that, quite a while ago, i had hoped would come.
that 'one day everything will make sense' moment.

it's kind of exciting, i have to admit.


i'm not gonna lie and pretend that every day is easy now.
that i don't still have difficult days.
that the darkness doesn't still linger in the background.
that those harmful words spoken over me don't still play on my insecurities.

every day is not easy. but most of the days are.
i do still have difficult days, but they are few and far between - and now i have someone who gets it, gets me
and actually wants to support me on those days.
the darkness tries its hardest to take over again. but i am stronger now.
those words do still echo in the most remote corners of my mind,
but his loving words now scream louder


china not only brought me new direction, new purpose, new adventures.
it also brought me new love.
real love.
the kind that knows all your darkness, all your fears, all your insecurities, but chooses to stay.
the kind that works hard every day to show you your strengths, your possibilities, your light.
i never knew it could be so freeing. so uplifting. so amazing.

he is beyond incredible.
and i feel so incredibly blessed.

china has also brought another kind of love.
me love.

"i know i am enough.

possible to be loved.

it was not about me"

                              {katy perry}

no more focussing on who i was. or who i was perceived to be.
i now see who i am. who i can be.

i'm still learning, still growing.
still finding my way in some regards.
but i'm getting there.
and now, i know the way.


the only way is up.

no regrets. just love

mindset shift

in the past week or two, i've had a few pieces of info 'come to light' that could have had the potential to do some serious damage to my progress.

no boring details needed.

just things that, a year ago, would have completely destroyed me.


but not now.

i have to admit, i am surprised by {and totally proud of} how i have responded to the events.
surprised by my own strength.


the difference?

my constant decision to think differently about things.
to realise when things are out of my control, and
to let go of those things.


my decision, every day, to live without a sense of entitlement
                           - i should've had that, or
                           - i deserve that

to be grateful for the things i do have
and to be patient....knowing that one day i may have the things i've always hoped for.

so basically, a lot of 'mental' hard work.

it isn't always easy, but the more i think this way - the easier it gets.

i have noticed a real difference.
life truly is easier when you learn to let go of things beyond your control.
things you can't avoid or change.

i know that:
life isn't always going to be fair.
things are going to happen.
things that hurt.
things that disappoint.

but, when you learn to control the only thing you can
                                                                    ~ your response to those things ~
                                          life is so much better.


life is happier.

life can actually be good again.

no regrets. just love

the hardest thing to do....

another new chapter in my life begins.

i am home.
literally.

living back home with the parentals.
in my home town.

it feels good
but it's also a bit scary

                   ....there are lots of 'demons' to face being back here again.


something that has been weighing on my mind lately is why good things always seem to happen to bad people.

yet good people seem to get continuously crapped on



i'm not purely bleating away about my own problems here. although, sometimes - i'll admit it - i definitely think it.
i wonder 'am i really such a bad person that this bad stuff keeps happening to me?'

but then i remind myself that i have a LOT to be thankful for.
things to look forward to.
i remind myself, again and again, i am FREE to be ME - and that in itself is a blessing!

this 'good people get crapped on' thing happens all around me. daily.

it doesn't seem fair to watch people who are knowingly 'rotten eggs' seem to get everything they've ever wanted.
be successful.
find love.
find their form of happiness - no matter how shallow it is or who they've had to hurt to get it.

yet people who just ooze goodness and are a gift to all those they come into contact with, seem to get hammered with bad news, tough times, not getting what they want/need or getting what they don't want, and just all round general crap.


there are plenty of bad people who seem to have it all.
and it frustrates the s*%# out of me.



when i turned 30, i wrote a list of 30 things i wanted to do and be in my life from now on.
number 30 was this:
                              30) I will love others more, even those who hurt me or disappoint me.

since coming back home, that last one has been smacking me in the face daily.
it is a really hard thing to do.

there are days when i wonder why i should?
why do they deserve it if they can't treat me well?
why should i wish them well in their life?
why should i waste my love on them?

the answer is simple.

it's not about them!
i shouldn't waste my energy on negative thoughts or hate towards them.
holding on to hurt and anger only affects one person.
me.
and i am too precious and too awesome and too full of love and hope to be weighed down with anger.

yes, loving someone who hurts you is fully hard!
but wishing well for those who hurt you shows your strong character and spirit.
you will not be broken.
i will not be broken.


there are plenty of days when i feel i can't love those who have hurt me
but then i stop and think...
actually,
i can

loving others is just another way to build your own happiness.
having hate or anger or hurt just clutters up what space there is for your smiles
i am no longer pinning my happiness on others.
how they treat me now or how they treated me in the future.
only one person can truly determine your happiness.
and that's yourself
it's your decision, every morning, to wake up and say
today is a good day,
and i am going to be happy!!!

no regrets. just love

30 things

So....
many, many posts ago, in what seems now like an alternate universe, I wrote a list of 30 things to do before I turned 30


I failed, so absolutely miserably, that I've decided to scrap that list and write a new one

I don't want to focus on what should've happened in the last 30 years, but didn't.
I don't want to focus on what didn't happen in the last 30 years that should've.

this list will be different.
It can't possibly be titled '30 things to do before I'm 30'

I'm 30 tomorrow.


So this time, it's 30 things that I'm going to do now that I'm (nearly) 30

Kind of like a challenge to myself to make the next chapter of my life the best ever
A list of things to remind myself how I want to live my life
A list of ways I can make the lives of others around me better too


1) I am going to be more thankful. Every day
2) I am going to leave each person I come into contact with better than when I found them....even if just by a smile or a small compliment
3) i will forgive others more
4) i will be more passionate about everything I do
5) I will pay attention and enjoy my life as it happens
6) I will grow stronger everyday
7) I will have more confidence
8) I will speak louder, especially if speaking up for something I believe in
9) I will start conversations with random people (e.g. At airports)
10) I will live with less expectations - I will just let it be
11) I will learn to say 'no' more. But at the same time, I will learn to say 'yes' more too
12) I will empower myself to change what I can, and let go of the rest
13) I WILL declutter and keep my environment tidy
14) I will focus on the positives more, including mine
15) I will accept invitations to go out more with friends
16) I will love myself more!
17) I will pay attention to how I talk to myself....no more put-downs, no more self-sabotage
18) I will drink more water
19) I will take more photos {is that possible, you say?}
20) I will make sure people know that I am happy to see them
21) im going to spend less on things, and spend more on experiences/people
22) I will travel to new places and meet new people
23) I will learn a new language {looks like Mandarin Chinese is up there on the list}
24) Im going to write more handwritten letters
25) I'm going to do more random acts of kindness
26) I'm going to stop taking things so personally
27) I'm going to take more time to observe my surroundings. Take just one more look. For just one more second.
28) I'm going to stop basing my worth on other peoples actions
29) I'm going to give more to others - time, money, whatever
30) I will love others more, even those who hurt me or disappoint me. We're all human. We all make mistakes. And we all need love.

Wow, that was actually quite hard.


Not long to go. The clock is counting down the hours.
Soon I will enter into what is going to be {I'm claiming it!!!!!!!} the best decade of my life!

I'm super excited.
I'm going to live my life. Each and every day.
I'm going to make a difference in other peoples lives, somehow.

This is it.

no regrets. just love

Truth: Part 2

I have been awake most of the night after my blog post yesterday. 
Thinking about why I was so scared of him.
So scared of wanting to make him happy, not upset him, not disagree with him.

Then I remembered that one night.
The night I think my fear all stemmed from.

It was a night during a time when he was actually home. 
I had decided to go out for a girls night...nothing major. He'd gone out with the boys the weekend before, so I thought it would be okay.
It was still relatively early (about midnight) and the girls wanted to stay out, but I decided I was ready to go home. I called him and asked him if he'd mind picking me up (we lived about 15 mins from 'town' at this stage)

he said no. get a cab.

So I got a cab.
The minute I arrived home, I could sense his anger. I could almost smell it.
He started yelling.
Calling me all sorts of horrible names.
Saying all sorts of horrible things.
How dare I call him to ask for a ride?!?!
How dare I go out for a girls night and leave him at home?!?!
And what had I truly been up to that night? Who had I really been with?!?

The accusations were flying.
The angry words were flying.
Next, the telephone went flying.
He had thrown our home phone across the room, trying to hit me with it.
He had missed, and the phone smashed against the dresser.

He demanded I slept in the spare room that night

The next day, somehow, he managed to convince me it was all my fault. That I was to blame. That I was in the wrong.
And I believed him.

I guess that was when I started thinking about everything I said or did...and whether or not it was going to make him angry again. 'Walking on eggshells' as they call it...

It was from that moment on, I started living in fear.

This wasn't the last night of this kind...but it's the first one I can remember.

My intention here is not to 'bad-mouth' my ex, defame him or say that everything that was wrong with our marriage was his fault.I feel compelled to share this story because if I can help just one person be freed from a relationship like this, then my journey has been worth it.

My advice to someone living in a relationship, like mine was, is this - GET OUT! 
It is NOT healthy. It is NOT normal.
It is NOT love.

Love is patient
Love is kind

Love doesn't get easily or uncontrollably angry
Love doesn't throw household objects with the intention to hurt you
Love doesn't try and control you
Love doesn't live a life of double standards 

I know its not easy.

I know it may seem like you can't walk away...like your world won't exist without him in it...like you would be lost without him.

But are you actually YOU?
Is it actually YOUR world?

Are you truly happy?


You WILL be okay without him
You DO deserve someone who truly loves you - and truly understands the meaning of love
You will find someone who accepts you for YOU, and allows you to be the fullest, most truest form of yourself

You just have to believe it.

One day.
You will.


no regrets. just love

Truth

You know those moments where you have a sudden revelation?

An "a-ha" moment?

That moment when the lightbulb flicks on and something that you've really known all along is suddenly impossible to deny anymore?


I had one of those moments today.
A harsh reality, but an important one nonetheless.

It's something I've really known for a long time - but i had just never seen it so plainly before.
It was in black and white. Right in front of my face....

In a book I was reading for work.


The book was 'Time to Think', written by Nancy Kline.
Nothing really to do with my situation, really....which is why this jumped out and smacked me in the face so much

The book talks about creating a Thinking Environment and how your actions and abilities to listen to someone can actually improve their thinking skills.
One chapter talked about what to look out for - what NOT to do.

Then I saw it.
Co-dependent.
As in someone who is an addict - or in a relationship that feeds someone's addiction.

The excerpt I am going to write pretty much sums up my so-called marriage.
This isn't easy to admit.

"But co-dependants are everywhere, not just in the lives of active addicts.
You are co-dependent if:
- you feel that you are dying (literally) if the person is mad with you
- you feel joy only when the other person is happy and are sad the minute they feel sad
- you ask them what THEY think in order to know what YOU think
- you lie to keep them pleased
- you do not know you exist apart from them
- you exist in a pool of anxiety when you haven't heard from them
- you are most happy obeying, most uncomfortable thinking for yourself"

Wow.
I can honestly say that I answered yes to every single one of those points in relation to how I used to feel about my relationship with my ex.

I was scared of him
I was scared of upsetting him and making him mad
I was scared to tell him how I felt or what I wanted because it never really was important
I was scared of being on my own because I didn't know who I was anymore without him

Anyone who knew me before I got married will agree.....I slowly lost more and more of who I was the longer I was in that relationship

It was unhealthy.
It was destructive
It was slowly killing me

But I allowed it.
I enabled it
I didn't stand up to it or him

I was co-dependent.


There. I said it.


But now I am free.
And today, the revelation came to me.....stronger than it has ever before.
I am FREE!
free from that constant fear
Free from living my life with someone else's ideas, feelings, thoughts
Free from having one person have so much control over my life.

Words can not express how amazing that realisation is.
How truly deeply grateful I am.
I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I am free to be ME

And I am never going to be a co-dependent
EVER AGAIN!

I guess I just made my new years resolution :)


no regrets. just love

2013

it's that time of year.
new years eve.
time for both reflection on the year that's passed, and looking forward to the year to come.

i don't believe in new years resolutions.
i believe in continually growing & challenging myself.....
             ....regardless of the date.


2012 has been an interesting year, to say the least.

a lot of growth....a lot of learning

quite possibly the most difficult year of my life.
but at the same time....possibly the most liberating & beneficial year.

yes, I still have a LONG way to go
yes, I will still have my bad days
yes, I still need to learn to love myself
yes, I still need to learn to trust again


but I am grateful for the things I have learned.
I am grateful for the people i've met.
i am proud of how far I have come
i accept my journey & embrace the growth that is still to come

2013 is going to be an exciting and, again, challenging year - but challenging in a positive way

for those who read my last post...you'll no doubt be wanting to know where my path leads next....



i can now make the 'announcement'

this little kiwi is spreading her wings again.
new places
new people
new learning
new adventures

i have accepted a position as Head of Nursery at an international school in China!!!!!!!
i can not contain my excitement!
i am so thankful for the amazing opportunity and it's definitely one that I wasn't going to pass up!

even though our paths may not take the direction we have planned...or imagined...or hoped

sometimes, the unchartered path, the unexpected changes, the so-called 'speed bumps' in life bring the most reward.

just sometimes, the 'spanner in the works' is actually the best thing that could've ever happened to you



it's not what happens to you that matters, but your response to it.

2013 is a year for living my life.

no regrets. just love
x

my life. a constant adventure.

So. It seems my life here in Sydney is a transient one.

For what I needed at the time......

          An escape from reality

          Something new to focus on

          New people and places

          New self discovery

                                  .....Sydney has been perfect

However, you can't run from your problems forever.

Some day you need to stop, turn around and face them head on. 

Smack.

Also...

Sometimes you need to stop trying to do everything on your own

Sometimes you need to surround yourself with your family and friends

Just sometimes, you need a lil bit of help

and I'm not too proud to admit that.

So my next step is to head back across the ditch...back to the homeland...back into those warm, welcoming and loving arms of those who know me best...

But, as with my whole life so far....

       ....that won't be for long either.

There's another adventure brewing. One that I am so excited about!

And after a lil more healing, and a little bit of mustard, I'll be totally ready to embrace it!

I am adamant that I won't let any amazing opportunity pass me by.

As always, I choose to live with no regrets.

Looking forward. Moving forward, no matter how slowly. 

All I need I courage!

After all....life is a journey, not a destination.

No regrets. Just love

why hello, september springtime

winter is officially over.

well, according to the calendar anyway.

i love spring. i love the crisp mornings and the beautiful sunny days.
i love the blossoms.

i love the symbolism of new life.
new beginnings.

i love knowing that summer is just around the corner.

sitting in the sun this morning, enjoying a freshly brewed coffee with my flatmate, i had a sense of happiness. a sort of bliss. a sense of being okay with where i am right now. nearly, and i emphasise nearly, a sense of feeling settled.

and it felt good.

new season - on the calendar.
new season - in my life.

who knows what the next season will hold for me.
but i'm excited.
and i'm ready for it.

no regrets. just love

mantra. made permanent

so. the title of this blog is 'no regrets. just love'

what does that mean to me?

yes. it is a line from a cheesy and catchy katy perry tune. i'm a not-so-secret lover of pop. what can i say. i'm an 80s girl. no apologies there.

but it was those 4 words that stood out to me back in 2010.
back then, they resonated with me because of my depression.
now, they resonate for different reasons.

regardless of the why behind it - those 4 words still speak deeply to me.

life is a journey. a roller-coaster, if you will.

you can't predict what is going to happen. you can't change what has passed.

all you can do is live your life the best you can. live with no regrets. no 'what ifs'.
live a life you can be proud of.
and through the journey, you have to love. as much as you can.

love yourself. the most important (as I am still learning)
love those who love you
love those who hurt you.

because, ultimately, everyone comes in to your life for a reason.
everyone has lessons to teach you.

it's up to you whether you learn those lessons. or not.

i am still learning a lot. about life. about love. about me.
but i am learning. and growing. and that's the main thing.

i don't regret anything that has happened in my life. even the things that have made me cry.

i am grateful for the good times. the best times. the happy times.
the memories that i have of the past.
the memories that make me smile when i think of them.
especially the people who have been a part of those memories.

i am grateful, also, for the hard times.
the memories i sometimes wish i could forget.
the memories i sometimes wish never happened.
even the people who have broken my heart.

for everything that has happened is part of who i am.
and i am learning to love who that is.
even with the scars.

you only live once.
and i intend to live my life.
i intend to feel every feeling that i can.
the love.
the hurt.
the laughter.
the pain.

as a reminder, as if i could ever forget, i decided to get my mantra forever inked to my skin.

There's nothing for you to become, just to realise who you are - Joseph Clough.

I hope you live a life you're proud of. -F. Scott Fitzgerald

I myself don't have amazingly memorable or quotable words to express how important one's journey is, or how paramount it is to love yourself - no matter your scars....

all i can do is share with you my journey. my lessons.

and tell you that your journey is amazing.
no matter your scars.
no matter your battles.
no matter your hurts or your joys.

you are enough.


no regrets. just love.

"small bump"

So.

Today has been a day of highs and lows.

The weather has been been beautiful, although a lil cold, here in Sydney. I got out for a walk around the bay near where I live and soaked up some delicious sunshine and inhaled the 'fresh' air.

I had a great skype convo with someone I'm missing badly right now...a convo that made me smile. a LOT

and then, i settled in for a lazy sunday avo watching some tele....and internetting.

I came across this blog from ZMs Polly. I was tempted not to read it, as I had an idea it would stir up emotions inside me I didn't want to feel...but I read it anyway

of course....emotions welled.
everything she said is true. it doesn't matter how far along you are, having a miscarriage is devastating.

what also stirred a different emotion in me was reading about how supportive her husband Grant was during her experiences. how he grieved with her. it wasn't just her going through the journey alone.

I think I realised, that my miscarriage was when my depression really hit me. Not only was I struggling with all the emotions and questions that come with 'losing' a baby, and all those dreams being shattered. But I was also trying to deal with it alone...without the support of my partner. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realise that he actually just never even cared.
That realisation hurts.

For those who don't already know, the changes that have happened for me over the past few months have been relating to my marriage. it ended at Christmas last year. he decided we were better off as 2 individuals, not husband and wife anymore.
One of the comments that people often make when they find out (and when they find out, or if they already know, about my miscarriage) is "well, just as well you don't have any kids together"

Is it really? yes, I know that separation and divorce when kids are involved CAN be messy and can be difficult, but does that outweigh the fact that the only thing I've ever wanted in life is to be a mummy? the fact that I still miss that precious baby that never made it. that I still notice something missing in my life?

i know that miscarriage is a common experience for most women in their lives. but that doesn't make it hurt less.
i know that marriage breakdown is also (very sadly) a common experience for a lot of people in this day and age. but that doesn't make it hurt less.

everyone's journey is their own. this is a part of mine.

all i know is you have to learn from your experiences.
so what can i learn from this?
well, i can't decide whether or not the next baby i conceive will make it into this world.
but i can decide one thing:
the next person i choose to be with is going to be someone who i know will support me through anything. someone who will journey through the experience with me. someone who will not leave me to deal with it on my own.

that i CAN choose.

no regrets. just love

explore. discover

So...hello! This post comes to you from my new home in Sydney, Australia!

3 weeks down and so far, so good. The move went well. I'm settling in and getting out exploring this fabulous (and freaking HUGE) city. I'm enjoying time with my new roomie and getting to know her better (and her wonderful, crazy friends). Me (left) & my roomie (right)

I've had some fun doing what I love maybe a little too much (those of you who know me will know that I'm talking about shopping)

I've relaxed in Hamilton Island and been snorkeling at the Great Barrier Reef. An absolute MUST! so amazing!

I've had a fleeting visit from my bestest lady on her way home from China and I've caught up with a beautiful friend from back home who has called Sydney her home for 2 years.

After a bit of down time, I've gotten stuck in to creating my life here - I've bought a car, been applying for jobs and learning to find my way around. 4 interviews down (one of which was a 2nd interview), 2 job offers so far - but the one I really want is still to get back to me. Fingers crossed!!! (obvious slight change to original plan, for those of you who know me)

I have found what could just be my favourite spot in Sydney so far. i am so grateful to new friends for sharing the spot with me....take a look. so peaceful, relaxing, and reminds me a little of home. Introducing: Nielsen Park...

i really feel like this move has definitely been the right thing for me right now. i am relishing the new adventures and the new challenges...and rediscovering ME.

i am learning more about my own strengths. my own passions. my own dreams and hopes.
who i am and what really makes me tick

Sydney is still so undiscovered to me. there is still so much to see and do! that is really exciting to me. it's refreshing and reviving. it's uplifting.

i'm looking forward to many more new friends and experiences.
for once, i feel like i am in the right place at the right time.

this is definitely an important chapter in my journey.

no regrets. just love

hello stranger

wow. it HAS been a while.

my life has taken on a new direction since my last post.
changes.
big changes.

as hard as things have been, the excitement of what the future holds is now starting to take over.
new beginnings.
2012. the year of taking risks. the year of no regrets. the year of love - mostly learning to love myself.

i haven't been well this week, and am really needing to crawl into bed right now....but i just wanted to do a post. at least a short one. get back into the blogging groove.

i want to focus my posts this year on all the exciting and new adventures i will be experiencing.
i'd love for you to come along for the ride.

i am searching for inspiration all around me. there is so much beauty to see. so much to be grateful for. these are a few of my fave pics at the mo....

 true story.

 as simple as that.

 i'm ready for it!

 not always what i wanna hear, but encouraging

i've also got back into my photography. my first awesome shoot for the year was with the lovely Moodle (AKA Maz), her gorgeous girl Ashlee and the baby giraffe growing inside her. love this pic.

so, welcome to my 2012 journey.
it's gonna be quite a ride :)


life is too short to be caught up on what's been.
i wanna focus on what's to come.

no regrets. just love

visual delights

while you are waiting {and waiting, and waiting} for my next proper post....enjoy these little delights. eye candy. the deliciousness that is my niece and nephews.

LOVE the look of absolute excitement on his face as he open his treasure chest birthday present :)

creative juices flowing

the little munchkin.

cheesy ballerina..

these little angels teach me every day about finding joy in everything. finding delight in the little things. letting my imagination go wild and living life. 

love you cheebies. xxx

disappointment

oh. my.

i promised you a new post. like last fortnight.

eeeek. i haven't delivered.


i am aware that i haven't delivered. and i know that i have disappointed my 'followers'.


this weekend. i promise
this weekend there will be a new post.

i have been sickies. and hectic at work.
no excuse, i know.
but i P.ROMISE!
this wknd it is ON!

thank you for standing by me despite my disappointments.

totally love you for that

remember me????

eeeeek.

hello. my lovely followers.
are you still there?



i have been so MIA lately.
there have been so many changes going on in my life.
and i apologise.
i have not posted for, like, ever.


but during that time, I have been gathering my thoughts.
thoughts on life.
on love.
on decisions.
on depression.
on beauty.
on a whole heap of important stuff.

i promise i will share some of these thoughts over the next few days.

now that life has calmed down a little,
i am going to get back into my blogging.

i have missed it so.
and i have continued to receive encouraging comments from you lovelies
so i am going to get back in to it.

after i have had a chillax time tonite.
haha. the week has been hectic.

so, i am enjoying a pinot gris, snuggled in front of the heater, relaxing.
i will transfer thought to paper (computer screen) tomorrow.

i am also getting a new hair style tomorrow. if you're lucky i'll post a pic

which reminds me.
i haven't been behind the camera in a while.
maybe this weekend is a good time to restart.


i hope you have all been well. and thank you for not abandoning me,
even though i have been so slack.

so, til tomorrow

no regrets. just love