So....
many, many posts ago, in what seems now like an alternate universe, I wrote a list of 30 things to do before I turned 30
I failed, so absolutely miserably, that I've decided to scrap that list and write a new one
I don't want to focus on what should've happened in the last 30 years, but didn't.
I don't want to focus on what didn't happen in the last 30 years that should've.
this list will be different.
It can't possibly be titled '30 things to do before I'm 30'
I'm 30 tomorrow.
So this time, it's 30 things that I'm going to do now that I'm (nearly) 30
Kind of like a challenge to myself to make the next chapter of my life the best ever
A list of things to remind myself how I want to live my life
A list of ways I can make the lives of others around me better too
1) I am going to be more thankful. Every day
2) I am going to leave each person I come into contact with better than when I found them....even if just by a smile or a small compliment
3) i will forgive others more
4) i will be more passionate about everything I do
5) I will pay attention and enjoy my life as it happens
6) I will grow stronger everyday
7) I will have more confidence
8) I will speak louder, especially if speaking up for something I believe in
9) I will start conversations with random people (e.g. At airports)
10) I will live with less expectations - I will just let it be
11) I will learn to say 'no' more. But at the same time, I will learn to say 'yes' more too
12) I will empower myself to change what I can, and let go of the rest
13) I WILL declutter and keep my environment tidy
14) I will focus on the positives more, including mine
15) I will accept invitations to go out more with friends
16) I will love myself more!
17) I will pay attention to how I talk to myself....no more put-downs, no more self-sabotage
18) I will drink more water
19) I will take more photos {is that possible, you say?}
20) I will make sure people know that I am happy to see them
21) im going to spend less on things, and spend more on experiences/people
22) I will travel to new places and meet new people
23) I will learn a new language {looks like Mandarin Chinese is up there on the list}
24) Im going to write more handwritten letters
25) I'm going to do more random acts of kindness
26) I'm going to stop taking things so personally
27) I'm going to take more time to observe my surroundings. Take just one more look. For just one more second.
28) I'm going to stop basing my worth on other peoples actions
29) I'm going to give more to others - time, money, whatever
30) I will love others more, even those who hurt me or disappoint me. We're all human. We all make mistakes. And we all need love.
Wow, that was actually quite hard.
Not long to go. The clock is counting down the hours.
Soon I will enter into what is going to be {I'm claiming it!!!!!!!} the best decade of my life!
I'm super excited.
I'm going to live my life. Each and every day.
I'm going to make a difference in other peoples lives, somehow.
This is it.
no regrets. just love
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
Truth: Part 2
I have been awake most of the night after my blog post yesterday.
Thinking about why I was so scared of him.
So scared of wanting to make him happy, not upset him, not disagree with him.
Then I remembered that one night.
The night I think my fear all stemmed from.
It was a night during a time when he was actually home.
I had decided to go out for a girls night...nothing major. He'd gone out with the boys the weekend before, so I thought it would be okay.
It was still relatively early (about midnight) and the girls wanted to stay out, but I decided I was ready to go home. I called him and asked him if he'd mind picking me up (we lived about 15 mins from 'town' at this stage)
he said no. get a cab.
So I got a cab.
The minute I arrived home, I could sense his anger. I could almost smell it.
He started yelling.
Calling me all sorts of horrible names.
Saying all sorts of horrible things.
How dare I call him to ask for a ride?!?!
How dare I go out for a girls night and leave him at home?!?!
And what had I truly been up to that night? Who had I really been with?!?
The accusations were flying.
The angry words were flying.
Next, the telephone went flying.
He had thrown our home phone across the room, trying to hit me with it.
He had missed, and the phone smashed against the dresser.
He demanded I slept in the spare room that night
The next day, somehow, he managed to convince me it was all my fault. That I was to blame. That I was in the wrong.
And I believed him.
I guess that was when I started thinking about everything I said or did...and whether or not it was going to make him angry again. 'Walking on eggshells' as they call it...
It was from that moment on, I started living in fear.
This wasn't the last night of this kind...but it's the first one I can remember.
Thinking about why I was so scared of him.
So scared of wanting to make him happy, not upset him, not disagree with him.
Then I remembered that one night.
The night I think my fear all stemmed from.
It was a night during a time when he was actually home.
I had decided to go out for a girls night...nothing major. He'd gone out with the boys the weekend before, so I thought it would be okay.
It was still relatively early (about midnight) and the girls wanted to stay out, but I decided I was ready to go home. I called him and asked him if he'd mind picking me up (we lived about 15 mins from 'town' at this stage)
he said no. get a cab.
So I got a cab.
The minute I arrived home, I could sense his anger. I could almost smell it.
He started yelling.
Calling me all sorts of horrible names.
Saying all sorts of horrible things.
How dare I call him to ask for a ride?!?!
How dare I go out for a girls night and leave him at home?!?!
And what had I truly been up to that night? Who had I really been with?!?
The accusations were flying.
The angry words were flying.
Next, the telephone went flying.
He had thrown our home phone across the room, trying to hit me with it.
He had missed, and the phone smashed against the dresser.
He demanded I slept in the spare room that night
The next day, somehow, he managed to convince me it was all my fault. That I was to blame. That I was in the wrong.
And I believed him.
I guess that was when I started thinking about everything I said or did...and whether or not it was going to make him angry again. 'Walking on eggshells' as they call it...
It was from that moment on, I started living in fear.
This wasn't the last night of this kind...but it's the first one I can remember.
My intention here is not to 'bad-mouth' my ex, defame him or say that everything that was wrong with our marriage was his fault.I feel compelled to share this story because if I can help just one person be freed from a relationship like this, then my journey has been worth it.
My advice to someone living in a relationship, like mine was, is this - GET OUT!
It is NOT healthy. It is NOT normal.
It is NOT love.
Love is patient
Love is kind
Love doesn't get easily or uncontrollably angry
Love doesn't throw household objects with the intention to hurt you
Love doesn't try and control you
Love doesn't live a life of double standards
I know its not easy.
My advice to someone living in a relationship, like mine was, is this - GET OUT!
It is NOT healthy. It is NOT normal.
It is NOT love.
Love is patient
Love is kind
Love doesn't get easily or uncontrollably angry
Love doesn't throw household objects with the intention to hurt you
Love doesn't try and control you
Love doesn't live a life of double standards
I know its not easy.
I know it may seem like you can't walk away...like your world won't exist without him in it...like you would be lost without him.
But are you actually YOU?
Is it actually YOUR world?
Are you truly happy?
You WILL be okay without him
You DO deserve someone who truly loves you - and truly understands the meaning of love
You will find someone who accepts you for YOU, and allows you to be the fullest, most truest form of yourself
You just have to believe it.
But are you actually YOU?
Is it actually YOUR world?
Are you truly happy?
You WILL be okay without him
You DO deserve someone who truly loves you - and truly understands the meaning of love
You will find someone who accepts you for YOU, and allows you to be the fullest, most truest form of yourself
You just have to believe it.
One day.
You will.
no regrets. just love
You will.
no regrets. just love
Truth
You know those moments where you have a sudden revelation?
An "a-ha" moment?
That moment when the lightbulb flicks on and something that you've really known all along is suddenly impossible to deny anymore?
I had one of those moments today.
A harsh reality, but an important one nonetheless.
It's something I've really known for a long time - but i had just never seen it so plainly before.
It was in black and white. Right in front of my face....
In a book I was reading for work.
The book was 'Time to Think', written by Nancy Kline.
Nothing really to do with my situation, really....which is why this jumped out and smacked me in the face so much
The book talks about creating a Thinking Environment and how your actions and abilities to listen to someone can actually improve their thinking skills.
One chapter talked about what to look out for - what NOT to do.
Then I saw it.
Co-dependent.
As in someone who is an addict - or in a relationship that feeds someone's addiction.
The excerpt I am going to write pretty much sums up my so-called marriage.
This isn't easy to admit.
"But co-dependants are everywhere, not just in the lives of active addicts.
You are co-dependent if:
- you feel that you are dying (literally) if the person is mad with you
- you feel joy only when the other person is happy and are sad the minute they feel sad
- you ask them what THEY think in order to know what YOU think
- you lie to keep them pleased
- you do not know you exist apart from them
- you exist in a pool of anxiety when you haven't heard from them
- you are most happy obeying, most uncomfortable thinking for yourself"
Wow.
I can honestly say that I answered yes to every single one of those points in relation to how I used to feel about my relationship with my ex.
I was scared of him
I was scared of upsetting him and making him mad
I was scared to tell him how I felt or what I wanted because it never really was important
I was scared of being on my own because I didn't know who I was anymore without him
Anyone who knew me before I got married will agree.....I slowly lost more and more of who I was the longer I was in that relationship
It was unhealthy.
It was destructive
It was slowly killing me
But I allowed it.
I enabled it
I didn't stand up to it or him
I was co-dependent.
There. I said it.
But now I am free.
And today, the revelation came to me.....stronger than it has ever before.
I am FREE!
free from that constant fear
Free from living my life with someone else's ideas, feelings, thoughts
Free from having one person have so much control over my life.
Words can not express how amazing that realisation is.
How truly deeply grateful I am.
I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am free to be ME
And I am never going to be a co-dependent
EVER AGAIN!
I guess I just made my new years resolution :)
no regrets. just love
An "a-ha" moment?
That moment when the lightbulb flicks on and something that you've really known all along is suddenly impossible to deny anymore?
I had one of those moments today.
A harsh reality, but an important one nonetheless.
It's something I've really known for a long time - but i had just never seen it so plainly before.
It was in black and white. Right in front of my face....
In a book I was reading for work.
The book was 'Time to Think', written by Nancy Kline.
Nothing really to do with my situation, really....which is why this jumped out and smacked me in the face so much
The book talks about creating a Thinking Environment and how your actions and abilities to listen to someone can actually improve their thinking skills.
One chapter talked about what to look out for - what NOT to do.
Then I saw it.
Co-dependent.
As in someone who is an addict - or in a relationship that feeds someone's addiction.
The excerpt I am going to write pretty much sums up my so-called marriage.
This isn't easy to admit.
"But co-dependants are everywhere, not just in the lives of active addicts.
You are co-dependent if:
- you feel that you are dying (literally) if the person is mad with you
- you feel joy only when the other person is happy and are sad the minute they feel sad
- you ask them what THEY think in order to know what YOU think
- you lie to keep them pleased
- you do not know you exist apart from them
- you exist in a pool of anxiety when you haven't heard from them
- you are most happy obeying, most uncomfortable thinking for yourself"
Wow.
I can honestly say that I answered yes to every single one of those points in relation to how I used to feel about my relationship with my ex.
I was scared of him
I was scared of upsetting him and making him mad
I was scared to tell him how I felt or what I wanted because it never really was important
I was scared of being on my own because I didn't know who I was anymore without him
Anyone who knew me before I got married will agree.....I slowly lost more and more of who I was the longer I was in that relationship
It was unhealthy.
It was destructive
It was slowly killing me
But I allowed it.
I enabled it
I didn't stand up to it or him
I was co-dependent.
There. I said it.
But now I am free.
And today, the revelation came to me.....stronger than it has ever before.
I am FREE!
free from that constant fear
Free from living my life with someone else's ideas, feelings, thoughts
Free from having one person have so much control over my life.
Words can not express how amazing that realisation is.
How truly deeply grateful I am.
I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am free to be ME
And I am never going to be a co-dependent
EVER AGAIN!
I guess I just made my new years resolution :)
no regrets. just love
Sunday, December 30, 2012
2013
it's that time of year.
new years eve.
time for both reflection on the year that's passed, and looking forward to the year to come.
i don't believe in new years resolutions.
i believe in continually growing & challenging myself.....
....regardless of the date.
2012 has been an interesting year, to say the least.
a lot of growth....a lot of learning
quite possibly the most difficult year of my life.
but at the same time....possibly the most liberating & beneficial year.
yes, I still have a LONG way to go
yes, I will still have my bad days
yes, I still need to learn to love myself
yes, I still need to learn to trust again
but I am grateful for the things I have learned.
I am grateful for the people i've met.
i am proud of how far I have come
i accept my journey & embrace the growth that is still to come
2013 is going to be an exciting and, again, challenging year - but challenging in a positive way
for those who read my last post...you'll no doubt be wanting to know where my path leads next....
i can now make the 'announcement'
this little kiwi is spreading her wings again.
new places
new people
new learning
new adventures
i have accepted a position as Head of Nursery at an international school in China!!!!!!!
i can not contain my excitement!
i am so thankful for the amazing opportunity and it's definitely one that I wasn't going to pass up!
even though our paths may not take the direction we have planned...or imagined...or hoped
sometimes, the unchartered path, the unexpected changes, the so-called 'speed bumps' in life bring the most reward.
just sometimes, the 'spanner in the works' is actually the best thing that could've ever happened to you
it's not what happens to you that matters, but your response to it.
2013 is a year for living my life.
no regrets. just love
x
new years eve.
time for both reflection on the year that's passed, and looking forward to the year to come.
i don't believe in new years resolutions.
i believe in continually growing & challenging myself.....
....regardless of the date.
2012 has been an interesting year, to say the least.
a lot of growth....a lot of learning
quite possibly the most difficult year of my life.
but at the same time....possibly the most liberating & beneficial year.
yes, I still have a LONG way to go
yes, I will still have my bad days
yes, I still need to learn to love myself
yes, I still need to learn to trust again
but I am grateful for the things I have learned.
I am grateful for the people i've met.
i am proud of how far I have come
i accept my journey & embrace the growth that is still to come
2013 is going to be an exciting and, again, challenging year - but challenging in a positive way
for those who read my last post...you'll no doubt be wanting to know where my path leads next....
i can now make the 'announcement'
this little kiwi is spreading her wings again.
new places
new people
new learning
new adventures
i have accepted a position as Head of Nursery at an international school in China!!!!!!!
i can not contain my excitement!
i am so thankful for the amazing opportunity and it's definitely one that I wasn't going to pass up!
even though our paths may not take the direction we have planned...or imagined...or hoped
sometimes, the unchartered path, the unexpected changes, the so-called 'speed bumps' in life bring the most reward.
just sometimes, the 'spanner in the works' is actually the best thing that could've ever happened to you
it's not what happens to you that matters, but your response to it.
2013 is a year for living my life.
no regrets. just love
x
Thursday, December 6, 2012
my life. a constant adventure.
So. It seems my life here in Sydney is a transient one.
For what I needed at the time......
An escape from reality
Something new to focus on
New people and places
New self discovery
.....Sydney has been perfect
However, you can't run from your problems forever.
Some day you need to stop, turn around and face them head on.
Smack.
Also...
Sometimes you need to stop trying to do everything on your own
Sometimes you need to surround yourself with your family and friends
Just sometimes, you need a lil bit of help
and I'm not too proud to admit that.
So my next step is to head back across the ditch...back to the homeland...back into those warm, welcoming and loving arms of those who know me best...
But, as with my whole life so far....
....that won't be for long either.
There's another adventure brewing. One that I am so excited about!
And after a lil more healing, and a little bit of mustard, I'll be totally ready to embrace it!
I am adamant that I won't let any amazing opportunity pass me by.
As always, I choose to live with no regrets.
Looking forward. Moving forward, no matter how slowly.
All I need I courage!
After all....life is a journey, not a destination.
No regrets. Just love
Friday, August 31, 2012
why hello, september springtime
winter is officially over.
well, according to the calendar anyway.
i love spring. i love the crisp mornings and the beautiful sunny days.
i love the blossoms.
i love the symbolism of new life.
new beginnings.
i love knowing that summer is just around the corner.
sitting in the sun this morning, enjoying a freshly brewed coffee with my flatmate, i had a sense of happiness. a sort of bliss. a sense of being okay with where i am right now. nearly, and i emphasise nearly, a sense of feeling settled.
and it felt good.
new season - on the calendar.
new season - in my life.
who knows what the next season will hold for me.
but i'm excited.
and i'm ready for it.
no regrets. just love
well, according to the calendar anyway.
i love spring. i love the crisp mornings and the beautiful sunny days.
i love the blossoms.
i love the symbolism of new life.
new beginnings.
i love knowing that summer is just around the corner.
sitting in the sun this morning, enjoying a freshly brewed coffee with my flatmate, i had a sense of happiness. a sort of bliss. a sense of being okay with where i am right now. nearly, and i emphasise nearly, a sense of feeling settled.
and it felt good.
new season - on the calendar.
new season - in my life.
who knows what the next season will hold for me.
but i'm excited.
and i'm ready for it.
no regrets. just love
Saturday, August 18, 2012
mantra. made permanent
so. the title of this blog is 'no regrets. just love'
what does that mean to me?
yes. it is a line from a cheesy and catchy katy perry tune. i'm a not-so-secret lover of pop. what can i say. i'm an 80s girl. no apologies there.
but it was those 4 words that stood out to me back in 2010.
back then, they resonated with me because of my depression.
now, they resonate for different reasons.
regardless of the why behind it - those 4 words still speak deeply to me.
life is a journey. a roller-coaster, if you will.
you can't predict what is going to happen. you can't change what has passed.
all you can do is live your life the best you can. live with no regrets. no 'what ifs'.
live a life you can be proud of.
and through the journey, you have to love. as much as you can.
love yourself. the most important (as I am still learning)
love those who love you
love those who hurt you.
because, ultimately, everyone comes in to your life for a reason.
everyone has lessons to teach you.
it's up to you whether you learn those lessons. or not.
i am still learning a lot. about life. about love. about me.
but i am learning. and growing. and that's the main thing.
i don't regret anything that has happened in my life. even the things that have made me cry.
i am grateful for the good times. the best times. the happy times.
the memories that i have of the past.
the memories that make me smile when i think of them.
especially the people who have been a part of those memories.
i am grateful, also, for the hard times.
the memories i sometimes wish i could forget.
the memories i sometimes wish never happened.
even the people who have broken my heart.
for everything that has happened is part of who i am.
and i am learning to love who that is.
even with the scars.
you only live once.
and i intend to live my life.
i intend to feel every feeling that i can.
the love.
the hurt.
the laughter.
the pain.
as a reminder, as if i could ever forget, i decided to get my mantra forever inked to my skin.
There's nothing for you to become, just to realise who you are - Joseph Clough.
I hope you live a life you're proud of. -F. Scott Fitzgerald
I myself don't have amazingly memorable or quotable words to express how important one's journey is, or how paramount it is to love yourself - no matter your scars....
all i can do is share with you my journey. my lessons.
and tell you that your journey is amazing.
no matter your scars.
no matter your battles.
no matter your hurts or your joys.
you are enough.
no regrets. just love.
what does that mean to me?
yes. it is a line from a cheesy and catchy katy perry tune. i'm a not-so-secret lover of pop. what can i say. i'm an 80s girl. no apologies there.
but it was those 4 words that stood out to me back in 2010.
back then, they resonated with me because of my depression.
now, they resonate for different reasons.
regardless of the why behind it - those 4 words still speak deeply to me.
life is a journey. a roller-coaster, if you will.
you can't predict what is going to happen. you can't change what has passed.
all you can do is live your life the best you can. live with no regrets. no 'what ifs'.
live a life you can be proud of.
and through the journey, you have to love. as much as you can.
love yourself. the most important (as I am still learning)
love those who love you
love those who hurt you.
because, ultimately, everyone comes in to your life for a reason.
everyone has lessons to teach you.
it's up to you whether you learn those lessons. or not.
i am still learning a lot. about life. about love. about me.
but i am learning. and growing. and that's the main thing.
i don't regret anything that has happened in my life. even the things that have made me cry.
i am grateful for the good times. the best times. the happy times.
the memories that i have of the past.
the memories that make me smile when i think of them.
especially the people who have been a part of those memories.
i am grateful, also, for the hard times.
the memories i sometimes wish i could forget.
the memories i sometimes wish never happened.
even the people who have broken my heart.
for everything that has happened is part of who i am.
and i am learning to love who that is.
even with the scars.
you only live once.
and i intend to live my life.
i intend to feel every feeling that i can.
the love.
the hurt.
the laughter.
the pain.
as a reminder, as if i could ever forget, i decided to get my mantra forever inked to my skin.
There's nothing for you to become, just to realise who you are - Joseph Clough.
I hope you live a life you're proud of. -F. Scott Fitzgerald
I myself don't have amazingly memorable or quotable words to express how important one's journey is, or how paramount it is to love yourself - no matter your scars....
all i can do is share with you my journey. my lessons.
and tell you that your journey is amazing.
no matter your scars.
no matter your battles.
no matter your hurts or your joys.
you are enough.
no regrets. just love.
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